Ari Shaffir: Double Negative Page #4

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Everybody's working for the weekend

Everybody's got to...

Is that how abortions are done?

I don't know. I've never seen one.

I have waited in the car before,

but I've never been in there.

I assume you reach in and grab the fetus,

then basketball shot it into a trash can.

If you miss, a nurse kicks it

out for three. "Curry, downtown."

No? Is that not how it's done? All right.

At this point I would like to say

thank you for all the women in here,

especially the moms,

for not turning on me horribly.

'Cause, yeah, when I lose a crowd,

it's always moms.

Women who are like,

"F*** you. I hope you never have a kid."

"I know. Me, too. We're on the same page."

So, thank you, women,

for holding it together.

Women get a bad rap sometimes.

Not all the time.

Not all the time, but sometimes.

"Women are crazy." You ever hear that?

Hear it all the time, I don't think so.

I read this article online

about women's hormones.

This is what it said.

Women, in your brains,

you have 40 percent

more hormones than men have.

Forty percent more. Yeah. And that's

not period time. That's non-period time.

I don't know what happens during

the period. All hell breaks loose.

Not talking that. We're talking

three and a half weeks a month.

Whatever men have, our top level,

women, 40 percent on top of that.

Just sh*t popping off in there

that men have no concept of whatsoever.

Our thing is here, and you've got, "Pew,

pew. Feelings, feelings, emotions. Pew."

Men call you crazy. 'Cause what?

'Cause why? 'Cause once every two weeks,

you go, "F*** you," out of nowhere?

With 40 percent more,

those are great odds.

With 40 percent more,

minimum three days a week,

we should wake up with you

over us with scissors

just going, "Not today."

And just f***ing bounding off.

So, congratulations, women,

on being shockingly un-crazy.

I know men who if they get

less than six hours of sleep,

and you cut them off in traffic,

they'll follow you to where you work

and threaten your life.

I'll take a "f*** you"

once in a while. It's okay.

My brother's one of those guys

who brings his kid everywhere.

So disappointing when you realize

that your family is capable of that.

My brother lives in Europe now.

'Cause he didn't know

"taxes" applied to him.

That's what he said.

"Those are for everybody?"

"Yeah, man. Those are for everybody."

So, he just never paid them.

He owes like $200,000 to the government.

Yeah, it got out of control.

Eventually he was like,

"I'm sorry. I'll just leave."

I feel bad staying with you

when I owe you all this money,

so I'm gonna get out of here.

You're never gonna see that f***ing money,

so I'm gonna get out."

He lives in Europe. It turns out Europe

is almost the same as America.

Basically no difference anymore.

They have everything we have.

Little differences.

There are little differences.

He said you've got to type in PornHub.uk.

But you cope, you learn to cope.

- It's just different porn.

- "Stick it in me arse."

Is that a pirate?

What did I just do?

What accent was that? Was that England?

I was trying to do England.

I don't think I got it.

I was gonna be in Denmark

for some comedy festival.

They flew me to Denmark

which is pretty cool.

My brother called, "While you're

in Europe, let's do something."

"Sure. What do you want to do?"

Looked at his calendar,

Oktoberfest was right then.

"You want to go to Oktoberfest?"

I was like, "F*** yeah."

Two Jews sneaking back into Germany?

Let's take back the night.

You know, let's piss on Hitler's grave.

Yeah. But he goes, "I don't think

they have a Hitler's grave."

I'm just gonna piss everywhere,

and if I hit it, I hit it.

I did, too.

I pissed everywhere in Germany.

I pissed outside like 25 times.

All the time. You can't get in trouble.

If you're a Jew, you can't get

in trouble for little sh*t like that.

You've got to do something really wrong.

Got to steal a car or worse.

They'll let you go for little stuff.

'Cause of what happened before.

They still feel guilty about it, I guess.

If you don't know,

it was like a disagreement we had.

We lost. I mean, obviously, we lost.

But they way overreacted, so...

All right, no more Holocaust jokes.

So, anyway, so I took the train

into Germany, right? That's a change.

Last one. That was it, you guys.

That's it. No more. No more.

Come on. You can't laugh

at sh*t like that. That's not cool.

It's not cool.

And my brother met me, took his car.

We met at the train station.

We're both jumping, "Shaffir boys,

we're doing this. Oktoberfest."

So excited.

And then his back door opens up.

And you just hear, "Ahh! No!

I don't want to! I don't want to!"

He brought his 4-year-old kid

to Oktoberfest.

I was like,

"Are you kidding me right now?"

"Did you not want me to bring him?"

"Yes. You read my tone correctly.

I did not want you to bring him."

He said what parents say

when they know they f***ed up.

"Well, you should have said something.

If you didn't want me to bring him,

should've said something."

"Why would I have to tell you that?

I don't have to tell you that.

I didn't tell you not to bring anthrax.

You knew that on your own.

I shouldn't have to tell you

not to bring a kid to a beer festival.

He's like, "Why?"

He got indignant. That's what parents do.

"Why shouldn't he be here right now?"

I'm like, "Uh, because I plan on

getting really drunk.

And I question his tolerance.

The way I see it, he'll be

the first one to barf every night.

He just barfed.

He already barfed for no reason.

So, how is that gonna be?"

He tried to sell me on him. "Ari, come on.

He's really smart for his age."

All right, but he's really stupid

for my age.

And I'm not at his kindergarten,

he's at my beer festival.

For me, he's illiterate.

That's not smart. I'm sorry.

You're not gonna sell me

on an illiterate person being smart.

Pregnant off a Tinder date.

Anybody here

not know what Tinder is?

You all know. Or no one's gonna say?

My grandmother, she asked me:

"What's a Tinder?"

And I'm like, "It's not 'a' anything."

How do you explain to

a 94-year-old woman what Tinder is?

She goes, "I don't know anything."

And I was like, "All right, well..."

Uh...

I was like, "There was once

a great man named Steve Jobs.

And he took the power of computers,

and he put it in everybody's hands.

At all times, we had access

to information,

right in the palm of our hands.

It was an amazing time

in human development.

Truly, it really was.

And then within seven years,

we were using that to f***."

Yeah. Gay people figured it out

in two years.

They were way ahead of the curve.

"All gay scientists,

put down what you're doing.

Figure this out.

We don't need to transfer information.

F***ing, let's f***."

And then my friend got

pregnant off one of those.

They bother me too much, parents.

Sometimes the problem is the videos.

The iPhone 6 and 7 now.

Makes everyone think

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