Ari Shaffir: Double Negative Page #5

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they're a videographer. They're not.

They have shitty videos.

Not the quality. The quality's amazing.

The subject matter is the issue.

They think everything they record

is worthy of showing people.

But there's a delete button there.

Use that delete button.

Every time my sisters and brothers

show me videos, any of my friends,

"Look at a video of my kid."

I feel like I'm Dexter,

and I have to fake the emotion,

of what a normal person

with feelings would do in that situation.

I'm always like,

"Cute? How do you do this?"

It's just the dumbest.

"He's walking."

"Yeah, well, they all do that.

That's not..."

I can go on YouTube now,

see a video of a 5-year-old

hitting a golf ball 215 yards.

You're showing me walking? F*** you.

Your child is unimpressive."

"Look, he said 'Dada.'"

"Well, that's not the right way

to say that word.

Congratulations. You videotaped a mistake.

I'm sure he'll be very embarrassed."

They're just annoying.

Like you ever see this?

Who's got kids here?

How many people have kids here?

A few of you. How old are your kids?

- Five.

- Five. Five years old. One.

- You stopped after that?

- Yeah.

Okay, good for you.

Not chasing the dragon

like a lot of people.

"Maybe that eighth one will be good."

Does your kid ever do this

where they're playing?

They're on the ground playing,

having a good time.

They fall. Like, "No big deal."

They get up and keep playing.

But if anybody's watching,

they're like, "Oh, you saw that?

Okay, it's gonna get

really bad for you right now.

But I just want you to know,

you did this to yourself."

They start crying. But don't really cry

'cause they're not really hurt.

They do their impression of

what they remember a cry sounds like.

From memory. They're not good.

They're not actors, never took classes.

They don't know how to do it.

They fall and go...

"Dude, you're doing ghost.

You're not doing crying."

They're not upset.

They think they can get upset.

So, they try to make themselves

get upset.

They're like feminist bloggers.

Nobody feels less joy

than a feminist blogger.

Like, "F*** you. I hate you. You suck."

"Why are you so upset?

It's a nice day out."

"Shut up, man. Don't tell me how to feel."

Parents don't wake up

the same way non-parents wake up.

I think I'd be okay with it, too,

if parents gave me an honest account...

of what parenthood was like.

A lot of parents say, "It's a beautiful

blessing every second of every day.

It's always a beautiful blessing,

every single second."

I'm like, "Every single second?

Then why are the bags

under your eyes twitching?

They're that low,

and they're f***ing twitching.

They're about to pop."

My friend has kids.

My friend Avi has two kids, 4 and 7.

Here's how he wakes up in the morning.

How parents wake up.

Okay? On Sunday, the alarm goes off.

He's sleeping peacefully, right?

The alarm goes off.

As soon as it goes off.

"Get up, move!

Brush your teeth! Clothes. Food.

Go. Move. Now!

Go. Go. Go!"

It's f***ing Afghanistan,

and bombs are dropping every single day.

You sleep with your boots on.

How do you live like that?

Not single people, man.

That's not how we wake up at all.

No kids?

Here's how I wake up on a Sunday.

First of all, no alarm clock.

Just whenever it happens.

Whenever the fates shall deem it time.

Yeah. You're sleeping peacefully, right?

After a while, you're just kind of like...

Remember that, parents?

Remember going back to bed?

Remember those days?

Remember that two-hour blink?

Where you look at your clock like, "9:30?

Okay... 11:
15? How did that just happen?

Am I a time traveler?

What just happened there?

I don't think I can... 12:45?

What is happening right now?

Can I take a...? 2:00, there it is."

Remember sleeping so much that

you physically cannot sleep anymore?

Where you're laying there... You try.

It doesn't stop you from trying.

But you lay there with your

eyes closed for like 45 minutes.

You're like, "No, this is not going down.

Doing everything in my power

to make this happen.

It's not happening,

so I may as well get up.

The sun's going down.

I should probably get Vitamin D

before I commit suicide."

This is one thing parents get me on.

They're like, "Well, don't you get lonely?

Don't you get lonely without children?"

And I'm like, "Oh, yeah.

A deep, deep loneliness that

you could never even ever experience.

It's a f***ing vast emptiness

that goes on for a millennium.

It's super lonely.

Yeah.

But then I call my friends,

and I'm way less lonely. That helps."

There's something to be said for

having cute things around. You get it.

It fills a void

that your friends can't fill.

I have nieces and nephews.

When they're around,

it fills that void, you know?

It's great to play with them

and teach stuff.

But I don't live in the same city as them.

When I'm not in their city, what do I do?

I go to parks and play with randoms, but...

Parents frown on that.

Parents are always like,

"Get away from my child."

I'm like "I'm not a child molester."

But if you bring up child molestation,

that's all they think about.

So, what do you do?

How do single people fill that void?

Dogs.

That's how we do it. You see any

single person over 30 around a dog,

they get weird.

I love dogs.

I'll lick a dog in his mouth, you guys.

I don't give a f***.

I'll give him tongue.

If he's good, he wants that tongue.

If he's a good boy,

he's getting that tongue.

I'll get in there like,

"Are you a good boy?

You're a good boy."

Yeah, owners look at me weird.

"Aren't you afraid of getting a disease?"

And I'm like, "Yeah, depression."

Please, let me have this.

So, Nicole had her baby.

Yeah, the Tinder lady.

She did not name it Tinderthy

like I suggested.

I suggested Tinderthy for a boy,

and for a girl, I said Con-swipe-a.

For ethnic flavor, you know?

A little bit.

F***ing garbage.

She had her baby.

She said her life wasn't gonna change.

She was living in Brooklyn, New York.

And now she lives in Arkansas.

What city in Arkansas, did someone ask?

Because there are some cool cities

in Arkansas? No. Nobody asked.

There's no cool cities in Arkansas.

You guys ever know anybody

that definitely should get an abortion?

You look at them and you're like,

"You're the reason this is legal."

For this case right now is

the only reason anyone's allowed to do it.

Sometimes they get an abortion,

sometimes they don't.

What's the reason they always give

when they don't get an abortion?

When everyone in the world knows

they should get an abortion.

They're like, "I know I should

get an abortion, but I can't because..."

- Jesus.

- Jesus. Yeah, God.

It's always Jesus.

That's what they point to.

"I can't have an abortion. Religion."

That's what Nicole said.

"I can't have an abortion. Religion."

"But where was religion when you were

f***ing behind the Roxy nightclub?"

I don't understand.

Was Jesus back there?

Was Jesus

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