Armageddon Page #5

Ever.

Who's that for?

Mr Ed?

You stick that in me, l'm gonna

stab you in the heart with it.

You ever see Pulp Fiction?

Oh, say can you see

We're losin' him,

we're losin' him. Clear! Kaboom!

- Freddie, you all right?

- Does this look okay to you?

- Does this look okay?

- lt's not all bad. lt's kinda tingly.

Mr Chapel, you're next!

Oh, gee, lady,

l just came here to drill.

Oh, so did l.

Your triglycerides

are way high...

and your bad cholesterol

is shockingly bad.

- Tell ya to lay off

those pork rinds, Pooh Bear.

- Yeah, pork rind this.

Pork rinds this!

Yeah!

Take it off, baby!

Well, at least

they're in good spirits.

Piece of cake.

Look, you wanna compare brain pans?

l won the Westinghouse Prize

when l was 12. Big deal.

Published at 19. So what? l got

a double doctorate from M.l.T. at 22.

Chemistry and geology.

l taught at Princeton for 2 1/2 years.

You know, l think this might be

the most uncomfortable room

l've ever been in in my life.

Why do l do this? Because the money's

good, the scenery changes...

and they let me use

explosives, okay?

Okay, you wanna be

all psychological with me, that's fine.

l'll tell you one thing

that really drives me nuts...

is people who think that Jethro Tull

is just a person in the band.

Who is Jethro Tull?

My favourite dish is haggis--

heart, lungs, liver.

You shove that all in a sheep's stomach,

then you boil it.

That'll put some hair on your ass.

l am not crazy. l'm just

a little emotional right now, okay?

You all throwin' all this stuff

at me, man. Look-- get-- l mean--

After this is over, could l, like,

get a hug from you or somethin'?

Okay, Cyclops lady's

startin' to bug me.

- Can you handle it?

- l mean, l can handle what l'm,

you know, l'm gonna do.

l can handle that, but l don't know

if l can handle this room.

Woman with large breasts.

- Woman with medium breasts.

- Here's Harry givin' me a hard time.

And, uh, this is Harry tellin' me

it's not good enough.

And, uh, this is Harry tellin' me

l can't marry his daughter.

Thanks a lot. l appreciate it.

Just let it out.

l suffered a major head injury

when l was in high school.

This one looks like you...

with breasts.

Yeah, l can handle it.

Yeah, l can handle it.

A home run! The Cubs win

the World Series!

Fail. Fail.

Depressively fail.

One toxicology analysis

revealed ketamine.

- That is a very powerful sedative.

- Sedatives are used

all the time, Doctor.

Well, this one's used on horses.

Some of these guys

are pretty big.

lt would normally take 18 months

to psychologically prepare...

prescreen viable subjects

for space travel.

- We have seen evidence of a wide

variety of territorial aggression.

- Can they physically survive the trip?

- That's all l need to know here, okay?

- Personally, l don't know how

they survived the tests.

Talk about the wrong stuff.

Good morning.

l'm Colonel Willie Sharp.

ln addition to flying one of

the X-71 teams to that rock...

my job is to train you how to deal

with the mental and physical

rigors of working in space...

so you don't freak out

on the asteroid.

United States astronauts

train for years.

You have 12 days.

Do we have any intelligent questions

before we get started?

- What's an X-71?

- You're the first civilians

to ever see her.

We call 'em the X-71s.

lt's a top secret joint venture

with the Air Force.

She and her sister ship at Vandenberg

are leaving tomorrow

for launch prep in Florida...

but l thought

you oughta take a look.

The two shuttles going up are

the Freedom and the lndependence.

Her titanium alloy impenetrable skin

covers the toughest, meanest...

most sophisticated space vehicle

man has ever made.

Okay, Air Force Colonel Davis,

NASA pilot Tucker...

will command the shuttle

lndependence.

Air Force Colonel Sharp,

NASA pilot Watts, shuttle Freedom.

Munitions specialist Gruber and Halsey

will supervise the nuclear ordnance.

Anyway, uh, l just thought, uh--

thought you guys should meet.

Gentlemen, welcome to our weightless

environmental training facility.

So we're going swimming on this

asteroid? ls that what this is for?

Here at downtown NASA,

we call this the ''Monster Armadillo.''

Gonna be retrofitted

with your drilling arm. She'll turn

Mind if we take a look at her now?

All these rubber hoses gotta go, Max.

Count 'em up.

Make sure it's

short-throw shiftin'.

Quincy!

Somebody tell me what this is.

Plastic ice cream scoop?

What'd that cost? About $400?

This is about the sorriest group

of people l've seen in all

my entire military career.

Your space flight's gonna be

a brutal assault on your senses.

l'm here to give you a taste

of that. NASA's got some of

the finest pilots in the world.

They're gonna be suckin' your eyes

into the back of your heads.

Go easy on me, okay?

lt's my first time.

l just wanna seriously say

l have a small fear of flying.

l'm gonna twist ya.

- And l'm gonna flip ya.

- What's the matter with you?

Frap your body

till your bones hurt.

When you squeal, l'm just

gonna go faster and harder.

No, take me down!

- How's the rest of the crew?

- Well, uh--

Sorry about the rib chunks

all over your dashboard.

Don't forget:

We gotta X-ray all these--

- lf you had to say, who would you say?

- l don't know, Oscar.

Who do you think you are?

- Han Solo.

- No. lf anybody's anybody, l'm Han.

And you're--

you're Chewbacca.

Chewie? Have you even

seen Star Wars?

All right, men, let's go.

Step it up.

Neil Armstrong, 1969,

bouncing on the moon.

He's bouncing because there's

less gravity up there than on Earth.

This will be similar

to the asteroid, so watch it.

Something gets launched off

that asteroid with enough force...

it's gonna keep on going

right into outer space.

What is the deal?

ls it just me, or is Watts really hot?

Yeah.

So we have these new generation suits

with directional accelerant thrusters.

- You won't bounce like Neil Armstrong.

- Yeah, think so?

- Bear!

- Yes?

- Do we have a problem?

- No.

'Cause l'm trying to describe

to you how these D.A.T.s

keep your ass on the ground...

so that if l were to kick you

in the balls...

and you don't know how to work them,

what happens to you?

- l float away.

- Yeah.

And, uh, when do we

start training for that?

Gentlemen, l'll give you 30 seconds

to put your helmets on...

then the oxygen will be sucked

out of this vacuum...

and you will know what it's like

to be in space.

Go!

Depressed in 30 seconds.

Main valves have been activated.

Vacuum P.S.l.s are open.

Okay, gentlemen,

so here's the flight plan.

Now, let's keep the laughter to

a minimum. l know this is not to scale.

Both shuttles will take off

Tuesday at 6:
30 p.m.

Now, 67 minutes later...

you're gonna dock with the Russian space

station to meet cosmonaut Andropov...

who will refuel the shuttles

with liquid O2.

That's your fuel.

Then you'll release...

and take a 60-hour trip

toward the moon.

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