Armageddon Page #4

- Eight whole months?

- Well, pretty much, yeah.

- Well, gee whiz.

- Well, this is the team

that has to do the job up there.

We need you to train 'em down here.

Well, Mr Stamper, what do you think?

You know, drilling's a science.

lt's an art.

l'm a third-generation driller,

doin' it all my life...

and l still haven't got it

all figured out.

l assume you sent for me because

somebody told you l was the best.

Well, l'm only the best

because l work with the best.

You don't trust the men you're

working with, you're as good as dead.

Now, you want to send

these boys into space, fine.

l'm sure they'll make

good astronauts.

But they don't know jack

about drillin'.

- What's your contingency plan?

- Contingency plan?

Your backup plan. You gotta have

some kind of backup plan, right?

- No, we don't have a backup plan.

This is it.

- And this is the best that you could--

that the-the government,

the U.S. government can come up with?

l mean, y-you're NASA, for cryin'

out loud. You put a man on the moon.

You're geniuses! Y-You're the guys

that think this sh*t up.

l'm sure you got a team of men

sittin' around somewhere right now...

just thinkin' sh*t up

and somebody backin' them up.

You tellin' me you don't have

a backup plan, that these

eight Boy Scouts right here...

that is the world's hope,

that's what you're tellin' me?

- Yeah.

- Oh, Jesus. Damn it.

We're a little short on time here.

Will you help us?

- All they gotta do is drill?

- That's it.

No spacewalkin',

no crazy astronaut stuff?

Just drill.

How many men were you plannin'

on takin' up there?

We're sendin' up

two shuttles, two teams.

lf l do this,

l'm gonna wanna take my own men.

You got it.

So you're saying you'll help us?

Yes, sir.

Thanks.

l just don't trust anybody else

to do it, that's all.

No, Mrs Curlene,

it's Harry Stamper.

lf you see Bear, you tell him

Harry's lookin' for him.

Those guys get off this rig,

they scatter. J. Otis Curlene Bear--

probably the only black man

on a big hog in Kadoka, South Dakota.

Come and get Papa Bear!

- Uh, Max.

- You got a weight limit on the shuttle?

- Max.

- Hey, Mama.

- Oh, that's so sweet, Maxie.

- Hey, did ya get me one of them

yellow jelly bear claws l like?

Maxie, are you in trouble

with the law again?

- No, Mama.

- Maxie.

l swear, Mama, l'm--

- You know l want Rockhound.

- We call him Hound because...

well, um, he's horny.

Well, you might want to start

with every bar in New Orleans.

That is a big, shiny mount,

isn't it?

- How long you been married?

- For two weeks.

- See this diamond?

- Yeah?

- lt's not a diamond.

Would you like another drink?

- Yeah.

- Sir, FBl.

- She's so cute.

- No, thanks.

- We have a national security matter.

- Good for you.

- Let's go.

- Now.

- How old are you?

Oscar Choice-- spacey

but absolutely brilliant geologist.

He owns a horse ranch

outside of El Paso.

What the--

Mr Chick Chapel, at the craps table,

Caesar's Palace, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Yes! About time.

Charles Chapel, game's over.

Who's gonna run the other rig?

How 'bout Benny? He's good.

The only one knows

how to run it as well as l do is A.J.

l thought you said

you couldn't trust him.

l thought you said l could.

Yep, you are on your way, A.J.

Well, you know, bein' in business

for yourself has its advantages--

make my own hours,

nobody shoots me in the leg.

You don't got

a gun on ya now, do ya? Oh, good.

'Cause l kinda wanted to get back

to this whole thing

about you askin' me for help.

Does that mean that there's actually

a job that Mr All-Go-No-Quit-Big-Nuts...

Harry Stamper can't handle by himself...

and needs my expert advice?

- Somethin' like that, yeah.

- Well, no, no, no.

l mean, is it-it something like that,

or is it that?

You know,

you and me got a real problem.

You know, Harry,

there are only, uh...

five words l wanna hear

from you right now.

And those words are: ''You know, A.J.,

l really look up to you.

''You've been a hero of mine

for a long time, and...

l'm very impressed with your work;

l'm emotionally closed off.''

That's like--

that's like 11 words or somethin'.

You know what? How about just,

''A.J., l'm sorry, and-- and l love ya.''

You know, A.J.,

there's not a job on the planet...

that l want you

to work with me on.

l mean that.

So what are you doin' here?

Harry, what's the job?

- Big Daddy!

- What's up, baby?

Yeah, big Bear.

What's up? What's up?

What's up, Harry?

Did NASA find oil on Uranus, man?

None of you have to go.

We can all just sit here on Earth...

wait for this big rock to crash into it,

kill everything and everybody we know.

The United States government

just asked us to save the world.

- Anybody wanna say no?

- Twenty years--

haven't turned ya down once,

not about to start now.

- l'm there.

- Guess l can't let you

go up there alone.

l'm with you.

l mean, this is--

this is historic.

Guys, this is

like deep blue hero stuff.

- Of course l'm in.

- While l don't share his enthusiasm...

you know me-- beam me up, Scotty.

- You all right, Max?

- l-l don't-- l-l don't--

Whatever you think.

- What about you?

- l'm in.

All right, then.

We go.

l don't mean to be the materialistic

weasel of this group, but...

you think we'll get

hazard pay out of this?

lf you're trying to make me feel better

about this scenario, give it up.

To tell you the truth, l'm kind of

encouraged. This guy Chick here was

an Air Force commando for six years.

We got robbery, assault,

arrest, resisting arrest.

We got a collection agent

for the mob. Two of these guys

have done serious time.

-Look, they're the best at what they do.

-So am l.

And l'm not

so optimistic.

We spend $250 billion

a year on defence.

And here we are. The fate

of the planet is in the hands...

of a bunch of retards l wouldn't

trust with a potato gun.

- So what's the verdict?

- They'll do it.

- They've made a few requests though.

- Such as?

Just a few things here, uh--

Nothing really big, just--

Well, as an example--

Uh, Oscar here's got some

outstanding parking tickets.

Wants 'em wiped off his record.

- Fifty-six tickets in seven states.

- l'll tell him, Oscar. l got it.

- Okay.

- Uh, Noonan's got two women friends...

that he'd like to see made

American citizens, no questions asked.

Max would like you to bring back

eight track tapes.

Not sure if that's gonna work,

but let's see what else.

Chick wants a full week's Emperor's

Package at Caesar's Palace, um--

Hey, you guys wouldn't

be able to tell us who

actually killed Kennedy, would ya?

Uh, Bear would like to stay

at the...

White Horse, the--

White House.

White House.

White House. Yeah, he'd like

to stay in the Lincoln Bedroom

of the White House for the summer.

- Stuff like that.

- Sure, l think we can, uh...

take care of some of that.

Harry!

Yeah, one more thing. Um--

None of them wanna

pay taxes again.

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