Army of Darkness

ASH:
My name is Ash,

and I am a sIave.

(WHIP CRACKING)

(GROANING)

CIose as I can figure it,

the year is 1300 A.D.,

and I'm being dragged

to my death.

It wasn't aIways Iike this.

I had a reaI Iife once.

A job.

WOMAN ON PA:

Ash to price check four.

Hardware, aisle 12.

Shop smart. Shop S-mart.

I had a wonderfuI

girIfriend, Linda.

Together, we drove to a smaII

cabin in the mountains.

It seems an archaeoIogist

had come to this remote pIace

to transIate and study

his Iatest find,

Necronomicon Ex Mortis,

The Book of the Dead.

Bound in human fIesh

and inked in bIood,

this ancient Sumerian text

contained bizarre

buriaI rites,

funerary incantations and

demon resurrection passages.

It was never meant

for the worId of the Iiving.

The book awoke something dark

in the woods.

It took Linda.

And then it came for me.

(SCREAMS)

It got into my hand

and it went bad.

So I Iopped it off

at the wrist.

(CHAIN SAW WHIRRING)

But that didn't stop it.

It came back.

Big time.

My God!

How do you stop it?

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

SOLDIER:

Surround the stranger!

(HORSES WHINNYING)

SOLDIER:

All right, you men, fall in!

All o' ya, keep apace!

Where in the hell...

(SOLDIERS SHOUTING)

SOLDIER:

Stand fast, hellhound!

No, no. Easy now, chief.

I don't know how I got here,

and I'm not looking

for any trouble.

SOLDIER:

What a piece of armor this is!

Wise man!

Fall back! Come on,

all you men. Back on

your horses. Come on!

My lord, I believe he

is the one written of

in the Necronomicon.

He who's prophesied to fall

from the heavens

and deliver us from

the terrors of the Deadites.

ARTHUR:
What, that buffoon?

Likely,

he's one of Henry's men!

Kneel, rapscallions!

I say to the pit with him!

GUARD:
You shall soon learn

the horrors of the pit.

To the pit!

You miserable bast...

(GRUNTING)

Get him!

Get off of me!

Let me go!

SOLDIER:
Chain him!

SOLDIER:
You're gonna have

a little bit of wee fun, mate.

ARTHUR:
To the castle!

SOLDIER:
Pick up your feet!

Stop draggin' your feet!

Come on! Move along!

Come on, now.

Come on, pick it up.

Have a taste of this!

(WHIP CRACKING)

(GRUNTING)

GUARD:
You men got something

to look forward to,

when you get back

to the castle.

SENTRY:

Lord Arthur approaches!

Raise the portcullis!

Lord Arthur!

Lord Arthur approaches!

GUARD:
That's lovely,

isn't it? Move it in.

Move it, you worthless...

Get on!

(PEOPLE JEERING)

MAN:
Move it up, boys.

MAN 2:
God save the king!

God save the king.

We love him!

MAN 3:
Arthur! He's back!

Lord Arthur,

where is my brother?

Did he not ride with you?

Aye, and fought valiantly.

But last night he fell

in battle to Duke Henry's men.

I'm sorry, Sheila.

Come on.

ASH:
You cretin!

Stop it, you bastard!

(YELLING)

You barbarian!

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Oh, no! Stop it! Stop it!

Get outta here,

you little brat!

Foul thing!

A pox on you, brute!

Thou art a murderer!

A black murderer!

(HAIR TEARING)

My brother's death

shall be avenged!

SOLDIER:
Company, halt!

SOLDIER 2:

Get that yoke off 'im!

Kill them!

WOMAN:
Put them into the pit!

MAN:
You, sir, are not one

of my vassals.

Who are you?

Who wants to know?

I am Henry the Red,

Duke of Shael,

Lord of the Northlands

and leader of its peoples.

Well, hello, Mr. Fancy Pants.

I got news for you, pal.

You ain't leadin'

but two things right now,

Jack and sh*t,

and Jack left town.

GUARD:

Shut your bleedin' hole!

HERALD:

Gentlemen, Lord Arthur!

There is an evil

awakened in this land,

and while my people fight

for their very souls

against it,

you, Henry the Red,

wage war on us!

Charlatan!

It was you who first turned

your swords on us!

And this evil has befouled

my people as well!

Your people are no better

than the foul corruption

that lies in the bowels

of that pit.

SOLDIER:

Right, you're no better.

ARTHUR:
May God have mercy

upon your souls.

God's name! What hell-spawned

thing lurks there?

Into the pit with those

bloodthirsty sons of 'hores!

No! No!

No, no!

(SCREAMING)

(WATER SPLASHING)

(MAN SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Oh! Heavenly God!

MAN:
He's escaping!

SOLDIER:
Hold to!

SOLDIER 2:
Hold him!

MAN:
Who's next?

MAN 2:
It's him.

Aye, he trembles!

MAN 3:
They don't look

so clever now, do they?

MAN 4:
He's frightened!

He's frightened white!

Whoa! Whoa!

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Wait a minute.

You gotta understand, man.

I never even saw

these a**holes before.

MAN:
Get him in there!

MAN 2:
He trembles!

MAN 3:
He's begging!

MAN 4:

What are you waitin' for?

Henry!

You gotta tell him

you don't know me.

We never met. Tell him.

I do not think

he'll listen, lad.

Look.

I'm tellin' you,

you got the wrong guy.

(GROANING)

I'm tellin' you,

you got the wrong guy.

(SCREAMING)

How do you like the pit?

Isn't the pit wonderful?

Why, you...

Spikes.

Hey! He says, "Spikes."

Give him spikes!

Make way! Strange one!

(SCREAMING)

Strange one!

(SCREAMING)

Yes!

(CHAIN SAW WHIRRING)

Damn you. Damn you!

(GROWLING)

(GROWLING)

(TEARING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

You know, your shoelace

is untied.

All right.

Who wants some?

Who's next, huh?

How 'bout it?

Who wants some, huh?

Who wants to have a little?

You. You want some more?

Huh?

You want a little?

Do ya? Do ya?

Do ya want some more?

Huh? Huh?

Now get on those horses

and get outta here.

Let 'em go!

Halt!

Thank you, generous hosts!

ARTHUR:
Sword boy!

For that arrogance,

I shall see you dead.

(GUN FIRING)

Yeah.

All right, you primitive

screw heads, listen up.

See this?

This is my boom stick!

It's a 12-gauge,

double-barreled Remington.

S-mart's top of the line.

You can find this in the

sporting goods department.

That's right. This sweet baby

was made in Grand Rapids,

Michigan.

Retails for about $109.95.

It's got a walnut stock,

cobalt blue steel

and a hair trigger.

That's right, shop smart.

Shop S-mart. You got that?

WOMAN:
Yes, sir. Right.

WOMAN 2:
Yes, sir.

Now I swear,

the next one of you primates

even touches me...

(YELLING)

(GROWLING)

(BELLOWING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Now, let's talk about

how I get back home.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(BURPING)

I prithee to

forgive me, m'lord.

I believed thee

one of Henry's men.

First you wanna kill me,

now you wanna kiss me.

Blow.

(DOOR OPENING)

So what's the deal?

Can you send me back or not?

Only the Necronomicon

has the power.

An unholy book

which we also require.

Within its pages are passages

that can send you back

to your time.

Only you, The Promised One,

can quest for it.

I don't want your book.

I don't want your bullshit.

Just send me back

to my own time.

Pronto, today, chop...

(WATER SPLASHING)

You shall die!

(GRUNTING)

(CACKLING)

You shall never obtain

the Necronomicon!

We shall feast

upon your souls!

It's a trick. Get an ax.

(SCREAMING)

ARTHUR:
Guards, stop it!

MAN:
Catch the witch!

MAN 2:
Death to the witch!

WITCH:
Have some porridge!

My eyes! I'm blind!

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