Army of Darkness Page #2

Oh, God, I'm blind!

No, don't!

Yo, she-b*tch.

Let's go.

Ya-hoo.

If the Necronomicon fell into

the hands of the Deadites,

all mankind will be

consumed by this evil.

Now will thou quest

for the book?

ASH:
That one.

(BOTH GASP)

Groovy.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

What's the matter?

You raised in a barn?

Shut the door.

Probably was raised in a barn

with all the other primitives.

The wise men say that thou art

The Promised One.

'Tis said that

thou wilt journey for

the book to help us,

and that thou wilt lead

our people against the evil.

The only reason I'm going to

get the book is to get home.

I believe that thou wilt

be leaving in the morning.

Don't touch that, please.

Your primitive intellect

wouldn't understand

alloys and compositions

and things with

molecular structures in the...

What are you doin'

here anyway?

I wanted to say

that all of my,

all of my hopes

and prayers go with you,

and I made this for thee.

Good, I could use

a horse blanket.

Give me some sugar, baby.

ASH:
Come on, boy!

Steady now. Whoa.

What? What is it?

This path will lead you

to an unholy place.

A cemetery. There,

the Necronomicon awaits.

When thou retrievest the book

from its cradle,

you must recite the words,

"KIaatu barada nikto."

KIaatu barada nikto. Okay.

Well, repeat them.

KIaatu barada nikto.

Again!

I got it, I got it! I know

your damn words, all right?

Now you get this straight,

the both of you.

If I get that book,

you send me back.

After that, I'm history.

(HORSE WHINNYING)

ASH:
What is it, boy?

Come on!

Come on!

(SCREAMING)

Come on!

Come on, you!

(SCREAMING)

(BANGING)

(CACKLING)

Hey, let's scare

this guy good! Come on.

Ramming speed!

MAN:
Ready, aim, fire!

Get away!

Whoa!

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Oh...

Oh!

You lousy little...

MAN:
Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, my!

(SCREAMS)

Lift up!

(SIZZLING)

Whoa!

(SINGING)

London Bridge is faIIing down

FaIIing down

FaIIing down

(GASPS)

My fair Iady

Is he up? How is he?

Hey, he's gettin' up.

What a horrible nightmare.

Wait a minute. Oh, God!

I can't move!

(SCREAMING)

And go!

Open wide.

Geronimo!

Hooray!

Hooray!

(CHOCKING)

Okay, little fellow. How about

some hot chocolate, huh?

(MAN SCREAMING)

How'd you like

the taste of that, huh?

How'd you like the ta...

(GRUNTING)

MAN:
(MUFFLED) Let me out!

Oh, dear God,

it's growing bigger!

(HOWLING)

I'm blind. I'm blind.

Yip, yip!

Oh, hey!

Where are you takin' me?

What are you?

Are you me?

I'm bad Ash,

and you're good Ash.

You're goody little two-shoes.

(SINGING)

You're goody IittIe two-shoes

Goody IittIe two-shoes

LittIe goody two-shoes

LittIe goody two-shoes

LittIe goody two-shoes

LittIe goody two-shoes

LittIe goody two-shoes

(HORN BLOWING)

LittIe goody two-shoes

Good, bad.

I'm the guy with the gun.

That'll teach you.

Yeah, that'll teach you.

You shall never retrieve

the Necronomicon!

You'll die in the graveyard

before you get it!

Hey...

What's that you got

on your face?

Huh?

I'll come back for you!

Come on, boy!

Three books?

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Nobody said anything

about three books.

Like, what am I

supposed to do?

Take one book,

or all books, or, or what?

Well.

(ASH YELLING)

Whoa. Wrong book.

(SCREAMING)

You!

I'll get back to you.

Well,

seems fairly obvious.

Wait a minute, the words.

All right, all right,

all right.

Say the words.

KIaatu barada...

Iu...

Necktie.

Nectar, nickel.

Noodle. It's an "N" word.

It's definitely an "N" word.

It's definitely an "N" word.

(COUGHING)

KIaatu barada n...

Okay, then.

That's it.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Hey. Wait a minute.

Everything's cool.

I said the words. I did!

No, wait! Oh!

You people, seek cover!

To the parapet!

Seek your children!

(HORSES WHINNYING)

Steady the horses!

Something's wrong.

Something's amiss.

(SCREAMING)

Where'd you go?

Where'd you g...

Oh! I'll crush ya!

I'll mash ya into paste,

you bony cre...

I'm through being their

garbage boy. I did my part.

Now I want back,

like in the deal.

I:

live

again.

There! The Promised One!

The Promised One's returned!

SENTRY:
Raise the portcullis!

Welcome home!

MAN:
We're saved!

WOMAN:
The Necronomicon!

MAN:
Truly he is

The Promised One!

MAN 2:

He's brought the Necronomicon!

How are ya?

He's brought the book!

Yeah, great, great.

Good boy!

Get the f*** outta my face!

The Necronomicon, quickly.

Did you bring

the Necronomicon?

Yeah, it's, it's just that...

Just what?

Nothin'. Here.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

Now send me back.

Like in the deal.

When you removed the

Necronomicon from the cradle,

did you speak the words?

Yeah, basically.

Did you speak the exact words?

Look, maybe I didn't say every

single, little tiny syllable,

no, but basically

I said 'em, yeah.

Dung-eating fool!

Thou hast doomed us all!

When thou misspoke the words,

the army of the dead awoke!

Now, whoa, whoa,

right there, spinach chin.

You said you could

clean this mess up

once you got that book.

You said there was a passage

that could get rid of this

thing and send me back.

It's true,

the book still possesses

the power to send you back,

but to us it is useless!

The evil has a terrible hunger

for the Necronomicon,

and it will come here

to get it.

We had a deal.

You wanted the damn book,

I got it for ya.

I did my part,

now you send me back.

ARTHUR:
Very well.

As we are men of our word,

we shall honor our bargain.

The wise men shall return you

to your own time.

Yeah?

MAN:
I thought he was the one.

Yeah, right.

'Cause that was the deal.

So when do you think we can

start with all the thing

and the...

WOMAN:
He's nothin'

but a traitor, he is!

When do you think we can start

with all the

ceremony and...

Wretched excuse for a man!

The wise men were fools

to trust in you.

SOLDIER:

I knew he couldn't be trusted.

MAN:
We put our trust in him.

I still believe that

thou wilt help us.

Oh, Sheila, don't you get it?

It's over.

I didn't have what it took.

So long.

But what of the things

that we've shared?

What of all the sweet words

that you spoke in private?

Oh, well...

Well, that's just what

we call "pillow talk," baby.

That's all.

It was more than that.

I still have faith in thee.

I still believe that

thou wilt stay and save us.

I...

(SOBS)

Coward!

(SQUAWKING)

SENTRY:
Look there! A demon!

Ash! Help me!

Sheila!

Shoot the bloody thing!

Hold your arms!

You'll hit the girl!

Me sword!

Damn you!

Dig, damn you!

Dig faster!

I shall command every

worm-infested son of a b*tch

that ever died in battle!

Thank you, sir!

You there, handsomely now.

Aye, my liege.

We shall storm their castle

and get my book!

Hoist, you damnable varlets!

(COUGHING)

Welcome back to the land

of the living.

Now pick up a shovel

and get digging!

Bring on the wench!

Gimme me some sugar, baby.

(SCREAMING)

Well.

Now, ain't you

a sweet little thing?

Don't touch me,

you foul thing!

Come on.

That's it.

We got plans for you,

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