Army of One

1

Our next guest, dubbed

"The Rocky Mountain Rambo,"

got tired of waiting himself,

so he traveled to Pakistan.

How close did you

actually get to bin Laden?

Tonight with Gary Faulkner.

This is

Gary Faulkner. Good luck.

Gary is an adventurer

who set his sites

- on hunting Osama bin Laden.

- Gary Faulkner

made headlines for travelling

to Pakistan

to capture Osama bin Laden.

Dateline 2004.

Land... the lawless,

tribal region of Pakistan.

Our story concerns

Gary Faulkner,

a part-time construction worker

with bad kidneys

and a full-time

American patriot,

who, after years of watching

the United States

fruitlessly hunt

for Osama bin Laden,

claimed he was visited by God

and accepted a mission to find

and capture bin Laden himself.

Armed with only a sword

and knife,

Mr. Faulkner travelled to one

of the most dangerous places

on the planet

to bring bin Laden to justice.

Here I come!

As strange

as it is compelling,

this is a true story,

or a story

that has truth in it,

or maybe... elements of truth.

Gee, pretty boy,

your time has come.

The G has arrived.

Like most stories,

ours began long ago,

when the hero was but a boy.

Take that, twerp.

Don't come around here anymore.

Hello, Gary.

What ails you, my child?

Did those heathen brutes

just burst your balloon?

Children can be

real pricks sometimes.

Gary, see that kid there?

In a few years time,

the guilt he accumulates

from committing this kind

of bullying will lead

to him becoming a horrible

crystal meth addict,

and he's gonna die

in a meth deal gone bad.

Sh*t happens, Gary.

Crying about it

don't do any good.

But this, Gary...

this is your sword that

I give onto thee,

and as long as you behold it,

you need never fear any man.

You are special.

I choose you

to wield this sword,

and as long as

it's in your possession,

you need never know fear again.

Hello?

Hey, Gary, it's Pickles.

Pickles, wow!

What's up, man?

Glad you called,

I need a place to crash.

I've been crashing

at the job site.

Gary has been

described as everything

from a hero to a crackpot.

Dr. Jonathan Boudin

of the Denver Clinic

for Psychiatric Care

told us that Gary, quote,

"does not suffer

from psychosis, paranoia,

or schizophrenia."

Clinically speaking,

he's as sane as you or me.

But you be the judge.

Worst part of having this

bad kidney,

getting dialysis

three times a week

is they won't let me

eat chicken wings.

Man, this country makes

the best goddamn chicken wings

in the world.

Now, I haven't seen

the whole world,

I haven't tasted chicken wings

in Africa,

but I'd be willing to bet the

right ball on a broke-dick dog

that no place makes better wings

than they do here.

Some other reasons America's

the best country ever,

fastest cars.

Now, some douche nugget

pointed out

that the ltalians

and the Germans

make faster rides on account

of their Ferraris,

and their Mercedes.

Well, I'm talking about

non-fascist automobiles.

Also, I'm pretty sure

more people kick ass here

than in any other country.

I mean, some people claim

that you can't quantify

kick-assedness.

Those are usually people who's

asses have been recently kicked.

What is crazy?

I mean, is crazy bad?

Wasn't it crazy to believe

all men were created equal?

Wasn't it crazy to

believe in life, liberty...

From the first moment,

Gary made clear

that he would not fit

with anyone's expectations.

And refused to believe

he was destined

for anything other

than greatness.

As he continually told those

around him,

"You have to think crazy,

to accomplish crazy things."

I don't know, but I once got

a fortune cookie that said,

" In boldness,

there is greatness,"

and I believe that fortune

cookie was correct.

I can't stand foreign beer.

Anybody that drinks foreign beer

or foreign whiskey

should be shot as a traitor.

- Come on.

- That's what we love about you, Gary, man.

It's hard to be down around you.

- I got to piss.

- Idiots!

Reports that U.S. forces

have been very close

to capturing bin Laden,

but that was about

three years ago.

We intend, fully intend,

to-to find him.

We don't know

where Osama bin Laden, um, is.

Government clowns.

The hunt for bin Laden

has been a cold well

for a long time.

They're botching up the plan

to get bin Laden!

Look, I know I'm a Leo,

but it's easier for a mouse

to get into a castle

than it is for a lion.

I'd go in there,

and I'd boost that f***er

right out from underneath their noses.

Hey, buddy.

You think you could do

a better job over there?

Is that what you're saying?

Oh, you're a Marine.

- I am a Marine.

- Well, that's awesome.

Listen, I really appreciate what

you boys are doing over there,

and I understand

the price of freedom,

the sacrifice, but look,

you've got your program,

and I got mine, that's all.

But l-let me buy you a drink.

What do you have?

What are you gonna pay

for that with?

Your unemployment check?

Oh.

Gary... Gary...

Just let it go.

Quick contest, Semper fi.

Let's throw this knife

across the room

over to that dart board.

You get closest

to the bull's-eye,

I'll buy everyone

in this bar a drink, okay?

I get closest, you buy me

a drink and you apologize

for being a dick.

Yeah, you're on.

Pretty good.

Sometimes when people get close

to the bull's-eye,

they get a little cocky.

Sure hope that isn't gonna be

your problem.

Yeah.

Knight the kings.

Oh!

Goddamn it, Gary,

not again!

The blade missed

most of Roy's tendons.

And, like the previous

three times,

he was soon back at the bar

with little more

than a bruised ego.

Why would you buy a showerhead

from a country

that doesn't take showers?

Don't buy that toilet,

that toilet was made in Africa.

Pygmies made that toilet

and they take small shits.

Your turd, your potty,

your poo, as it were,

won't make it past the flusher.

Yoo-hoo.

No, seriously,

why would you buy a faucet

from a country in the midst

of a drought?

I don't know what

you're putting up,

but that ain't gonna hold it.

I want you to trust me

because I'm probably the only

person in this whole store

that'll tell you the truth.

Now, if you need anything at

all, you call me.

I'm Gary Faulkner,

your go-to handyman.

Oh, what...

Gary Faulkner.

Marci Mitchell.

Oh, my God!

I cannot believe it!

You look great.

You look great.

I had so many fantasies

about you in high school.

I must've gone through

about 100 boxes of Kleenex.

That is disgusting,

but I'll take it.

- Why would you...

- Because I always had a crush on you.

What've you been doing

all these years?

Oh, my life is boring.

Uh, you know...

- went in and out of community college,

- Uh-huh.

And then, you know, now I work

at The Olive Garden.

Olive Garden, that's a great

restaurant. Well, good.

- I answer phones at a dentist office.

- Uh-huh.

- Calligraphy on the side.

- Calligraphy?

For wedding invitations,

stuff like that.

Dating only idiots.

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