Army of One Page #2

Uh, 'cause that...

those are the kinds of people

- that can spend time with me, with my schedule.

- Uh-huh.

- You know, losers that have nothing else to do.

- Yeah.

Um...

You remember my sister Carrie?

Sure, yeah, she made you look

like a girl scout.

Uh... well, she,

she passed away.

And, uh, she OD'd

in Colorado Springs,

like, eight years ago.

Wow, that's...

I'm-I'm sorry, that's...

- She got really bad into drugs and, uh..

- I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Had a kid with her dealer 'cause

that's a... kind of stupid

decision you make, but, um...

And what happened to the kid?

I adopted her.

- Oh.

- Lizzie, she's my little princess.

She's, like... all I have

in the world, so...

- Oh, that's awesome!

- Yeah.

- I got to keep it together because of her.

- Wow.

- And, uh, it's why I'm working three jobs, that I...

- Yeah.

Hate.

Well, I'll drink to that.

Well, I don't

do that anymore, so...

- No. Sh*t!

- I don't do that.

Only making good decisions.

Hey, listen, do you want

to get an ice cream sundae

with me tonight?

Let's have ice cream.

- Great.

- Not tonight.

- Okay.

- I can't do it tonight.

- But tomorrow night?

- Great.

We're gonna have ice cream,

but you have to find me.

Listen, you still got

that awesome tattoo?

Yes!

I'll find you.

They don't call me

the psychic wizard for nothing.

In the past five years,

it appears that Osama bin Laden

and billions

of American dollars

have all but disappeared

into the mountains

of western Pakistan.

I'm serious, Pickles, we

got to get on this immediately!

No waiting, no hesitating!

Got to get on this

right f***ing now!

What the f*** is going on, man?

Did you see that sh*t?

No, I didn't see... Gary, look,

listen to me, -What?

You got to stop with

the noise, okay?

We can't deal with it anymore,

we can't sleep back there.

You've been here

for three months.

You got to get a job,

you got to get out of here, man.

W-What... so? I'm sorry, okay?

I'll quiet down. What is it?

I love you, but you got to

get out of here, man.

- Oh!

- You got to go.

You got to find a different

couch to sleep on, okay?

- Come on.

- I'm sorry, I'll, uh...

Well, look, I'll...

let me just, uh...

if I can just finish tonight...

- Yeah, just...

- and I'll clean up.

Yeah, just stay here tonight,

it's fine.

Thank you, buddy. Okay. -She's

trying to sleep, all right?

Hey, you remember what

tomorrow is, right?

- What?

- Dialysis.

- Oh, right, yeah.

- Dialysis, all right.

Yeah, I remember now.

Thanks, Pickles.

So, tomorrow you're out.

It is said that on a cold day

in Valley Forge,

George Washington talked to God

as young Americans died

on the battlefield.

Abraham Lincoln

talked to God daily.

But Gary did them one better.

Hello, Gary.

Holy sh*t.

Yes, I take a holy sh*t

every day.

God?

Well, Gary, I have many names.

But God's kind of catchy,

don't you think?

But you're the one true God?

Who created the universe?

Yeah, more or less,

but let's not dwell on that

cosmic sh*t right now.

I've got a favor

to ask you, Gary.

A favor?

A tiny, little favor that

I'd like you, Gary Faulkner,

to do for me.

Of course.

I'm calling it a favor

to be compassionate,

and kind, and nice.

It's more like a command really.

You understand?

I do.

Okay, cool.

I need you to go over

to Pakistan

and capture that son of a b*tch

Osama bin Laden for me.

OBL?

He's got to be taken down.

He pulled that 9/11 sh*t

and f***ed me right over.

Now he's got to pay the price.

No one else seems

to be able to do it, Gary.

And my patience

is getting wafer thin.

Capture bin Laden?

Capture him,

bring him back alive though.

Remember, thou shall not kill.

So we're good?

You'll go to Pakistan and

capture Osama bin Laden for me.

Perfect.

Oh, just so you know, Gary,

this is probably it.

I've got no plans

to ever speak to you again,

but I am everywhere, you know?

All knowing, all seeing.

Which, by the way,

isn't as much fun

as it's cracked up to be.

Wait. What do you mean?

Dr. Jones to ER.

Dr. Jones to ER.

Oh, my God.

How did you find me?

I don't want to say I'm psychic,

but if the shoe fits.

Well, get in here.

Oh, I want

to introduce you to Lizzie.

She's got some challenges.

She doesn't talk.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, everybody talks,

but only the real smart ones

don't use their mouths,

right, Lizzie?

Oh, and you have got

a killer smile.

Which can be used both

as a friendly thing

and also as a weapon, which I'm

sure you're already aware of.

Nonetheless, it's great to

finally meet you.

Lizzie...

have you got a power animal?

Like a spirit animal?

Like a guide?

I'll bet you do.

See, mine's the donkey.

Now, my dad used to call me

a jackass when I was a kid.

And at first I thought

it was an insult,

and then I realized

it's a compliment

because jackasses are true,

hardworking

and loyal.

Now, what's your power animal?

Oh!

The seagull, good choice!

Butterscotch or chocolate?

I'm a butterscotch man myself,

but I can go either way.

Just like to make sure

everybody's happy

with the sundaes and stuff.

Butterscotch, goddamn it!

Looks like I'm having

chocolate again.

And I think I remember you like

the mint chocolate chip.

How the hell

did you remember that?

Mind like a steel trap.

You and Osama bin Laden?

How does that work?

What-what's your plan?

Well, okay, you see,

that right off the bat

is a bit of a misnomer

'cause it's not my plan,

it's God's plan.

I didn't make the rules,

God did.

But the plan is

I'm thinking about buying a boat

and sailing to Pakistan...

- "Sailing to Pakistan?"

- Yeah, I was gonna...

go to San Diego, buy a boat,

sail to Pakistan,

capture Osama bin Laden,

bring him back to America

for justice and stuff.

That's the plan... it's pretty

simple when you think about it.

That's crazy.

Sometimes,

things are so sane

they are beyond

our comprehension...

Do you know anything

about sailing?

Marci!

You're so funny!

The pirates did it,

the Pilgrims did it,

and they weren't even

21 st century guys.

I'm a 21 st century guy!

Gary, boats are

very expensive, right?

Do you have that kind of money?

I got a little tucked away.

You'd be surprised

how much you can save

when you don't pay your bills

and you live on job sites.

Uh, things get

particularly "traumaticals,"

I can ask Dr. Ross,

who's my kidney doctor,

and he always has

some money around

to give to a worthy cause.

And I'm thinking about taking

Roy and Pickles with me to Vegas

to make a little

extra cash for my trip.

You see, I'm doing this

for people like you and Lizzie,

to bring the fight

into his backyard,

to bring the fight to him,

so he doesn't come

into our backyard.

Well, walk me through it.

What are you gonna do,

just fight him and kill him?

No, no, that would be too easy.

And I was told to capture him.

And I-I don't want

to kill anyone, anyway.

I think I would just...

kill him,

on the spot, you know?

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