Army of One Page #3

I mean, not face-to-face,

I don't want to see him

face-to-face,

but from far away, definitely.

Yeah, well,

if it comes down to that,

then I'll drop a gun

in front of him

I'll drop a gun

in front of me,

and we'll draw, fair and square,

Old West style.

Your ramp is a piece of sh*t.

I know.

I-I can't afford to have it

fixed right now, so...

You and Lizzie...

you deserve better.

Good night, Gary.

Night.

Yah! Eh-yah-eh!

Cha! Eh-yah-eh!

Yah!

What the f***?

You're awful pretty

first thing in the morning.

I consider that a positive sign!

Well, you look like sh*t.

And you got a sense of humor,

'cause I know that's not true.

Hey, listen.

These are my buddies,

Roy...

- Good morning.

- Pickles...

- How are you?

- Two of the nicest dudes you'll ever meet.

I... thank you

for what you're doing,

but, you know, it's really early

and Lizzie's still asleep, so...

Now, listen,

when we're finished,

you're gonna have

a brand-new ramp

and it's gonna be the envy

of every crippled kid

in the neighborhood.

We don't say "cripple."

She's challenged.

Oh. You mean like us guys.

Yeah.

Um...

Thank you.

How much... how much

do I owe you for this?

Marci Mitchell, not a dime.

That little girl

deserves the best.

But it might just cost you

a whole lot of love.

Well, um...

- I might be a little short this month.

- Ooh.

See, now there's

that smile again.

That smile is something

I'm gonna be thinking

a lot about

while I'm sailing to Pakistan.

You are glowing,

Marci Mitchell.

You are radioactive.

You are my lucky charm.

I'm telling you, it was God.

Like, Old Testament,

New Testament Lord on high.

He came to my bedside

in the free clinic

and he told me to do this.

And I know you guys

are skeptics.

Pickles, I know you're, like,

quasi-Buddhist backslash

Senecan stoic,

but I'm telling you it was God,

he spoke to me,

and I gotta do this!

Hey, man, we're not arguing.

We love Vegas.

Hey, Gary, we were wondering:

what did God look like?

About how you'd imagine.

Maybe a little younger.

That's weird, I always thought

he would've looked like

Phil Donahue

or someone like that.

I always thought

he'd be, like, a lion

with, like,

James Earl Jones' voice.

Mm, that's cool.

Hey, what did God say

we should play?

You play whatever you want.

This is God's house,

it's like a church.

We can't lose.

Come on, red!

Oh!

- Go.

- Let 'em come.

Oh!

Uh...

I don't know, I think...

I'm all right.

I'm all right right there.

- No. Gary, come on.

- No, no, no. No, no. Don't do it.

Oh! Oh!

You did it!

He's my friend.

He is my friend.

- And he is lucky.

- Hey.

Are you smoking marijuana?

No sh*t, Einstein.

You think I might be

smoking some weed?

Uh, you need to put

that out right now

or we're gonna call the cops.

Oh, you're gonna call the cops

on The G.

All right.

Don't be a buzzkill.

Get out of my sight.

Man, I been seeing

you shitheads all night.

What the holy hell do you want?

What do a bunch of

Columbian drug lords

care about Al-Qaeda anyway?

Yeah, right.

This ain't my first rodeo,

hombre.

And what if I don't?

Ow!

Hey, man...

Ow!

Those Columbians stole

all my money!

Wait, wait, wait.

What Columbians?

The drug ones!

What are you talking about, man?

You lost your money

at the tables last night.

Yeah, man, you should've quit

while were you ahead.

- You f***ed up.

- No!

You guys want to hit

the breakfast buffet?

Ah!

Nurse Taylor,

how is Dr. Ross today?

Is he feeling in a good mood?

He's happy?

- Chipper?

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, good.

- It's a golf day.

Yes. Golf day, yes.

Everything's looking good, Gary.

Excellent.

- Gary!

- Dr. Ross, hi.

How you feeling?

Good to see you.

- Yeah, you, too.

- How have you been feeling?

Uh, yeah, good.

Good. Listen, uh...

Nurse Taylor, is...

Dr. Ross, is it okay

if I just, uh,

- talk with you in private for a minute?

- Absolutely.

Oh, thank you.

- Excuse me.

- Thank you.

I can't believe

you're still alive.

Your blood work is amazing.

Thank you so...

Well, it's because of you.

You and your care for me.

You've kept me afloat

with my kidney problem,

you helped me with my

pre-dialysis hallucinations...

The other thing I want to say

to you, Dr. Ross...

in many ways, I feel like

you're a brother to me.

- Thank you.

- I really care so much about you.

Because you care.

You're a good man.

You're a charitable man.

And you care about

what's going on in our country.

I've got a charity

- that I would like to maybe ask you to invest in.

- Okay.

- All right.

- 'Cause I know you take that stuff seriously.

I'm going to sail to Pakistan.

I'm gonna capture

Osama bin Laden

and bring him back to America

for justice and stuff,

- 'cause I think...

- I'm sorry,

say that again?

I'm gonna go get Osama bin Laden

out of Pakistan and I want

to keep you safe, I want to keep

America safe and, frankly,

I want to keep me safe.

- What are you talking about?

- What I'm talking about

is that I-I-I-I'm gonna

buy a sailboat

and I thought maybe... 'cause my

dance card is a little light...

that maybe you could

loan me a thousand bucks,

because I-I don't,

it's a little light,

and I'll pay you back,

$250 a week,

and then we can take care of

this Al-Qaeda issue together.

- A sailboat.

- Yeah, to go to Pakistan

to capture, uh, bin Laden.

What do you really

want the money for?

Are you in some kind of trouble?

Oh...

I lied.

- Yes.

- I'm sorry.

That's a crazy story.

I mean, how can you sail

a boat to Pakistan?

I mean, if you stop dialysis,

you're gonna start

hallucinating.

No, uh...

Uh, I...

Oh, it's humiliating.

Dr. Ross...

there's a girl I-I really love.

And, uh, I can't afford

the engagement ring.

There's one

for a thousand bucks,

and I wanted to get her

a diamond ring

so that I could get engaged.

Okay.

Oh, bless your heart, Dr. Ross.

- Y-You're telling me the truth now?

- Absolutely.

You're not gonna get on a boat

and sail to Pakistan?

No.

Osama bin Laden.

Me? Look at me. Wrong.

- I got dialysis problems.

- Yeah, that's why

I was wondering,

how would you do dialysis

if you were on a boat

sailing to Pakistan?

- I couldn't do it.

- You couldn't do it.

I wouldn't be able do it, man.

I'll go get my checkbook.

- I'll be right back.

- Yeah!

Yeah!

Hey, man, I don't want to...

I don't want to be that guy,

but, um...

I'm pretty sure

you can't sail to Pakistan.

Yeah, well, they told George

Washington the same thing.

They told

George Washington he...

I-I'm pretty sure

they told George Washington

he couldn't cut down

a tree or something.

It's just a figure of speech.

Look, I'm just saying,

dude, like,

have you looked at a globe?

- It's kind of a long way to go...

- Ah.

- In a boat.

- Ah. Ah.

You know, you can do it, too,

that-that's...

you can...

you can do a lot of stuff

if you just kind of...

Hey, you know, can I...?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

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