Army of One Page #4

hey, hey, hey, thanks.

- So are these mussels?

- Yeah, man.

So, I... they're not eating

fish poo on the ground, right?

- No.

- Like the crabs and the oysters eat the fish sh*t?

- Yeah, yeah.

- So these are eating, what, krill? Kelp? What?

Yeah. Like, fallity

of the ocean stuff.

- Ah, so fresh stuff, live stuff. So...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Like, healthy stuff.

- I could eat that, right?

You could do, like,

a soup or something?

- A broth, a bouillabaisse?

- Yeah.

- Good eatin'.

- So do I need to get...

Maybe do you have,

like, some scuba gear...

or, like, a snorkel and sh*t

so I can get off the boat

and scrape those off

and then eat 'em

while I'm sailing?

- 'Cause it's a long trip.

- Just grab some, like, goggles

- and a snorkel and you're good, man.

- Okay.

Yeah, I got him. Yeah.

Morning, sir!

- Hi.

- How you doing today?

- Good.

- Good!

You know, you're parked in,

uh, someone else's slip.

What do you mean by "slip"?

- Slip.

- A slip.

Yeah, I saw an empty

parking space and I took it.

Last time I checked,

this was still America.

Yeah, it's not a parking lot.

It's a harbor.

- Uh-huh.

- All of these boats you see,

they're all registered to people

who own these slips.

Okay, officer...

madam... Super Cop,

whatever your name is,

do you know who I am?

Yeah. I'm Gary Faulkner,

and I'm trying to do something

very important here, okay?

I'm trying to protect you.

I'm trying to go to Pakistan

so I can capture

Osama bin Laden.

I'm gonna bring him to justice.

And I think you're...

you're kind of impinging

on important duty right now.

Pakistan's a long way

away, sir.

I am fully aware of it, so if...

The sooner you let me

do my business,

the sooner I can protect you.

You prepared for this trip?

- You got a life preserver?

- No, I do not have

- a life preserver.

- Safety flares.

I do not have safety flares.

- First aid kit?

- I do not have a first aid kit.

In fact, I've never...

Any working knowledge

of how to operate a sailboat?

I have never sailed before.

Which is why I broke my arm,

because I was trying

to higher up the sail.

I was trying to higher it up.

I was trying to raise it.

Hoist it.

Okay.

Um...

- gonna get you to hang tight.

- Very good.

- I'm gonna be right back.

- Dig it!

- Okay.

- All right.

I need... I need you

to come down here right now.

Okay, clowns!

Doubters, doubters!

Debbie Doubters!

Looks like I'm still sailing!

And you know why

I'm still sailing?

Because it is not my will,

it's God's will.

Sh*t!

Is this Pakistan?

No, seor.

Not knowing how to sail

turned out to be

a bigger liability

than I originally thought,

but boy,

Mexico sure is beautiful.

And... to that effect,

on the beach of Mexico,

I found this for you.

I thought you might like

to use it as a hairbrush.

And then, this shell...

Isn't that something?

It looks like a pyramid.

And then this is

the venomous cone shell.

Now, this animal

is very powerful.

It shoots a poison dart out...

Bam! Right there,

you're dead in two seconds.

Glad I didn't get hit with that.

And this one looks like

a spiral staircase.

Now, I want to make a spiral

staircase for you one day.

You can have it and

it'll be made out of oak.

Oh.

Yeah. And I got

something for you.

Dah-dah-dah-dah!

San Diego, huh?

- Oh, well, thank you for thinking of me.

- You're welcome.

- I'm glad you're okay.

- I'm always okay.

Well, you know, I'm just

thinking about the dialysis.

Don't you have to go

in for dialysis on your kidney

a couple times a week?

First of all,

the good Lord protects his

sacred warriors,

that's first of all.

I forget second of all.

Well, you had us worried,

you a**hole.

I'm sorry.

I'll put a quarter in the jar.

Well, thank you, ladies,

thank you both.

I'm so glad to be back home

with you two.

I really love that little girl.

That-that child is amazing.

And she just took to you.

I've never seen her do that

with somebody.

I don't usually let people

get close to her so quickly.

I mean, you're the first guy

I've had in the house

since I broke up with my ex.

I appreciate that.

I'd do anything for her.

I'd do anything for you.

You can count on me.

I'm not just saying that.

Well, I-I am just saying that,

but I-I mean it.

I'm glad you're here.

I like being here.

Are you seeing anyone right now?

No.

I... broke up with someone

a year ago and... eh.

It's-it's been almost

three years for me.

Huh.

You're-you're such a stud.

I figured you'd have, like,

girls all over the place,

hidden around and...

No, see that-that's just hype.

See, the thing is...

I'm-I'm picky.

No, well, I...

I'm overcompensating, see?

'Cause I-I-I don't feel

like that, all that, you know?

And I've-I've had some issues

'cause of the way I talk.

And sometimes the way

I-I look you know?

I... so I haven't felt

very confident,

but-but I am feeling

something with you.

I'm feeling some

connection with you

and I really...

I really like you, Marci.

Oh, I'm blushing.

I feel like

I'm in high school.

Me too.

Can I kiss you?

You...

What a gentleman.

Yeah.

I barely even remember

how to do this.

You want to go upstairs

and try and remember?

Remember Osama bin Laden?

Public enemy number one,

we got to get Osama bin Laden.

The fact that we can't find him

is a big deal, folks, all right?

He's tethered

to a dialysis machine

that he somehow drags around

from recording session

to recording session.

You know, that-that's

got to leave some sort of

trail in sand,

can't we track that down?

Osama bin Laden.

- You know where he is.

- Definitely.

Because he dumped some woman.

Welcome to Books 'n Sh*t.

So you have a new book out.

- Congratulations by the way.

- Thank you.

Um, it's called

The New Testament.

- The New Testament.

- The New Testament.

It's a sequel of sorts

to the original, um...

- The Old Testament.

- The Old Testament.

Um, is there a movie

in the works?

We are working on a movie,

uh, with James Cameron.

He's great.

Yeah, I mean,

the guy's confident.

You can't buy it in a store,

you can't buy it online,

you can't buy it tomorrow.

This sweet little thing

is limited to one.

This one, the only one.

Are you listening to me, Gary?

This is Excalibur

brought back to life,

this is Damocles fallen.

This item is available

for a penny.

A tiny, brown, copper sphincter

of nothingness.

Gary? Focus.

We're talking about destiny, Gary.

Carpe diem,

seize the day, seize the moment,

take the blade.

Hi-yah!

Marci, I've been going

about this all wrong.

You know what I'm gonna do now?

I'm gonna change it up.

I'm gonna hang glide

into Pakistan.

Well, that sounds dangerous.

Huy-des!

That's okay, everything about

this mission is dangerous.

Do you even know

how to hang glide?

- No, but I got a plan.

- What plan?

Israel.

I'm gonna go to a mountain in

lsrael and I'm gonna jump off.

If I fly, I fly into Pakistan.

If I crash, I crash

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