Army of One Page #5

into the Dead Sea,

which is the deepest

hypersaline lake in the world.

Yeah, they about 34% salinity

over there and stuff.

Just about the saltiest

body of water you'll ever see.

So everything, no matter

how heavy, floats on it.

So, if I crash, I'll float,

which is good

because I-I don't know

how to swim.

- No, that's a terrible idea.

- Marci,

every good idea sounded terrible

at first. Think about it.

Binny boy won't be expecting it,

that's the main thing.

You got to have

the element of surprise.

And the other thing

you got to add is... a sword!

Chi-yas!

You know what?

I'm rude, look at me.

Hogging all the fun.

Come on, let me

show you something.

- Oh...

- Marci, come on. Look at this.

- Okay, turn around.

- Okay.

- Now, hold it in your hand.

- Okay.

Feel the weight,

respect it, respect it.

Now, I want you to just go down

like that, okay?

Mm-hmm. Right.

Okay, now, when I toss it,

you slice it, slice and dice it.

All right, so, let's do this.

Okay, here we go.

And...

A five, six, seven, eight.

Ah-ha, you did it! Yay!

I see why you like this.

- You work here?

- Yeah.

Okay, listen, I'm looking

to buy a hang glider.

- Okay.

- 'Cause I'm gonna hang glide

- from a mountain in lsrael

- Okay.

To Pakistan, 'cause I got to

capture Osama bin Laden

and pull him right out

of his cave.

- That's quite the adventure.

- That's right.

- But I need a hang glider.

- Well, the North Wing, uh,

- she is a sweet, sweet bird, yeah.

- I like that. Sounds good.

"Sweet bird's" what I like.

- Now, I was gonna take a boom box,

- Okay.

Hang it, dangle it,

from the hang glider.

Listen to music to inspire me,

to motivate me for my mission.

What sort of music

would you suggest

would be the best music

to hang glide to?

Okay, well, I wouldn't hang

a boom box from the wing

'cause you're gonna throw off

your balance.

You got to spare me

the physics lesson

and just answer the question.

Okay, uh, so you're looking

for some, like, pump-up,

- inspirational, kind of...

- That's right.

Tom Petty?

Stupidest thing I've ever heard.

- Okay.

- Okay?

Now, listen, if I was gonna

cut that up into pieces,

'cause I got to get it

into my luggage

to get it over to lsrael.

How many pieces would I

cut it into? Three? Four? Five?

Well, the-the thing about

a hang glider

is it-it's all, uh,

one piece.

You can't cut it up.

Son...

I can do anything.

I am Gary Faulkner.

I am the Donkey King.

Wow.

Sir, that is a samurai sword.

Uh, you cannot take that

on the plane.

No, listen, you don't

understand,

I need this sword

to do what I have to do.

You trying to get my killed

by Al-Qaeda?

Is that, is that what you want?

No, I want you to realize

that you cannot take a sword

onto an airplane.

Can't.

If there weren't people like me

doing things that

people like you

told us that we couldn't do,

then nothing great

would ever get done

and America wouldn't be awesome.

And let me tell you

something, lady,

we may have our flaws,

but America is awesome!

You cannot carry the sword

onto the plane.

Tell that to George Washington!

Gary!

Pack the sword.

Yes, my Lord.

You guys seem like

a couple of nice kids.

Where you from?

Are you from lsrael?

You're from one of

the other, uh,

Middle Eastern, uh, countries,

or Pakistan,

or, uh, Tunisia?

All right, well, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna start running now.

I'm gonna pick it up,

and I'm gonna run.

Okay?

You got to get out so I can run.

Let's go.

Go, go, go!

Ha-ha!

Success!

Look at me now!

No!

Sh*t! F***! Goddamn it! You f***er!

As Gary lay broken on

the rocky terrain of Israel...

F*** it!

Doubt crept in.

And perhaps

a small voice asked,

"I wonder if Marci is serving

her guacamole

and chips tonight."

Gare-bear.

Hey, babe.

Look at you,

having a little spa day, huh?

Thanks. Thank you so much for

letting me crash here again.

Oh, no problem.

Lizzie, uh...

Well, you know,

Lizzie and I love

having you here, so...

Would you look at me?

I'm as crippled as Lizzie is.

Well, I mean, she's a...

ten-year-old girl

with cerebral palsy,

and you are a grown man who

jumped off a cliff on purpose.

- I retract my previous statement.

- Yeah.

Where is she anyway? You know,

I got a present for her.

Oh, she's at physical therapy.

I'm gonna go get her in an hour.

Okay, well, listen,

check this out.

You can buy the sh*t

out of these things in lsrael.

That's water

from the f***ing Jordan river.

That's the f***ing river where

f***ing Jesus was baptized.

She's gonna love this.

Yeah.

That was so thoughtful.

Thank you.

I got you something too.

Yeah, look how beautiful

that is.

- "Israel rocks."

- Yeah.

Yeah, it does.

God, Gary, thanks.

Why did I sit there and let you

take that glider apart?

- The hang glider?

- Yeah.

That was a lemon.

Hey.

Do you want to get behind

some hedges and, uh, you know,

show me your tattoo again?

Uh-huh?

Uh-huh?

You are a little horn dog.

- Even all banged up like this.

- Yeah.

I don't know, it ain't just

animal lust,

of which I have plenty,

as you can well attest.

Sometimes I think I need a vet.

No, I find that, uh...

I actually love you quite a bit.

I love you too, Gary.

But you're on

a mission from God.

So where does that leave me?

Well, you'll have to take that

up with him directly.

I haven't even made it

to Pakistan yet,

I got to get over there

as soon as I'm healed.

I'm gonna go in. Do you want

a water or something?

No, I'm all right.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

come on, hold-hold on a second,

hold on a second.

What if I didn't go?

What if I just...

stuck around here

and helped out, you know?

I'm a pretty good handyman.

I could help out

around the house.

Yeah.

I'd love that,

you know?

But if you really feel

like you're on a mission,

and I tell you to stay here,

you're gonna hate me.

I... I couldn't handle that,

so...

You think about it, and, um...

and, uh, we'll talk later.

I just want to enjoy

my life a little bit.

I want to spend some time, a

domestic kind of, uh, lifestyle,

with Marci and Lizzie, you know.

- Good for you, Gary.

- Yeah.

Yeah, that-that Pakistan sh*t,

the whole Osama thing

is pretty crazy.

Maybe so, but crazy is

my last name.

- Isn't it crazy is my middle name?

- Yeah.

My middle name is Brooks.

It's that old Gary.

- All right.

- Well, that's the truth.

Okay, we got to jet,

we got a movie.

- Yeah, you should come with us.

- Yeah, no, I'm gonna stay here

and, uh, finish my beer,

and then, uh,

maybe just go back

to Marci's house

and enjoy my, uh, my humble

little domestic lifestyle.

- All right.

- I'll take care of this guys.

- Don't worry about that. Yeah.

- Really? -Really?

- All right, see you later.

- All right, bye.

All right, see you later.

In Afghaninstan

- with his latest findings.

- Bye.

Since the battle of Tora Bora

in December of 2001,

there has been

no actionable intelligence

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