Army of One Page #6

about where bin Laden is.

There are informed hypotheses

that he's in the northwest

frontier provinces

- of Pakistan...

- I hate this show.

Somewhere

in the tribal areas.

W-Were you going to be doing

something for me?

I was... I am.

'Cause it looks to me

like you're quitting.

I ain't no quitter.

'Cause what would you think

would happen

if I, God, just quit?

- Chaos!

- Chaos.

I mean, we've got chaos already,

but we'd be talking about

a much worse form of chaos.

Godless chaos.

Who said anything

about quitting?

What you don't seem

to appreciate Gary,

is the notion of omniscience.

That means I know everything,

so I know you're thinking

about Marci.

I know you're thinking

about domesticity

and settling down

and how cute that will be.

And it really bugs me

when men let woman-sh*t

get in the way of man-business.

There's two words

you need to consider:

"God" and "America."

That's what this is about.

Okay?

So what part of

"I am everything,"

"I know everything,"

do you not understand?

Uh, uh, if you know everything,

then why don't you tell me

where to find Binny boy?

I can tell you Pakistan,

and you can't even get there.

Now you're thinking

about quitting.

You're a disappointment

to me, Gary.

I've been waiting

for you to help me.

Gary, shut the f*** up.

This is a holy quest.

Holy quests are challenging.

When I asked Abraham

to slaughter Isaac,

that was challenging.

He didn't just say, "Oh, he's

my son. What am I gonna do?

I love him.

What am I gonna tell his mum?"

When I said to David,

you've gotta kill Goliath,

it was challenging.

He didn't say,

"Look at the size of him.

I can't do anything about it."

It's a challenging situation

that you're in.

I plucked you from obscurity.

You're a lucky f***.

You should feel blessed,

not burdened.

So, Gary,

I don't want to hear

any more talk about quitting

or Marci, or TVs,

or sitting and relaxing,

having a beer.

Otherwise,

I'm gonna smite you.

I'm gonna smite you,

and any memory

or remnant of you.

Your dad, Gary Faulkner...

"l didn't have a son."

Marci... "I don't remember

meeting some twinkle-eyed,

goofy, cute guy."

I will eliminate you

from history, all traces of you.

Okay?

So have a little think

about that,

and then make the decision

that will make us both proud.

Oh, great. You're drunk.

I blew it.

I was weak.

I took my eyes off the prize,

and he saw it.

What prize?

Who are you talking about?

I gotta... I gotta...

get to Pakistan.

Pakistan?

What... what are you

talking about... Pakistan?

I thought you were done

with all that nonsense.

What about moving in here

with me?

What about fixing the ramp?

I have a more important job

to do.

You know what? I need my

four hours of sleep tonight.

I've got to work two

of my three jobs tomorrow,

so I'm going to bed alone.

What do you think?

It's great.

I told you I'd finish it.

I'm sorry I slammed the door

in your face

and yelled at you,

but, you know, you were really

being crazy,

and I don't need that sh*t.

Marci Mitchell,

don't you ever

apologize to me for anything.

You are perfect.

You are

an angel, and I'll see you

when I get back from Pakistan.

Sir, we have been through this.

I do not care

about George Washington.

You cannot

go to Pakistan

without an entry visa.

This is bureaucratic morass

is what this is.

Gary.

Yes, my Lord.

And God just...

gave you a sign.

That's right.

And now you want to go

to Pakistan...

Why?

To get bin Laden.

Osama bin Laden.

No, Harold bin Laden.

Yes, Osama bin Laden.

The terrorist.

Is this some kind of joke?

No, this couldn't be

any less of a joke, sir.

This is as serious

as a thing can get.

Okay, you give me one good

reason why I should stamp this

and the United States of America

should let

Gary Brooks Faulkner into

one of the hairiest places

on Earth.

Well, do you believe in God?

And America?

And justice?

And freedom?!

And just doing what's right?!

Hmm.

Thank you.

Go get him.

So, I'm going to Pakistan

to capture Osama bin Laden.

Bring him to justice.

God told me to do it.

He didn't think I was being

urgent enough about it.

Thought I was giving in

to temptation again,

which has been

one of my problems.

Kept me from achieving

certain things and stuff,

but I'm gonna tell you what.

God kicked the ever-loving

sh*t out of me.

So, now here I am,

back on mission.

I shouldn't be telling you this,

but I already got a lead.

You see, it turns out over here,

people call Binny boy

The Bearded One.

So, there,

that could be helpful.

Gary arrived

in Pakistan a stranger

in a strange land.

He was determined

to observe the customs

of the local people

and perhaps glean clues

that would lead him

to bin Laden.

Reason for visit?

Taking care of business.

Once through Customs,

Gary saw a world both

familiar and foreign.

In his personal diary,

Gary wrote of his first day

in Pakistan...

"Got to Islamabad.

"Interesting people.

Hot as balls."

So, anyways, so,

how do you like it here

in Pakistan, my brother?

Pakistan is very, very,

very beautiful.

Pakistan is beautiful.

Yeah, well, I figured

you'd say something like that

on account of national pride.

Well, I love America,

so we're even.

I love America, too.

Yeah? Well, America's very good.

America's the best goddamn

country in the world.

And I say that putting

my personal bias

and national pride

aside because

we don't have no Al-Qaeda

holing up in the States.

Al-Qaeda here in Pakistan,

very bad.

Yeah, very bad.

- Well, see, I like you...

- Very bad.

Because we got

a cultural connection.

But what I need to do is I need

to get to the Hotel AlBaraka.

I'm on a very important mission.

I'm looking for The Bearded One.

Uh, do you know where

- I can find The Bearded One?

- The Bearded One?

The Bearded One.

I am... I have got beard.

Yeah, no,

I know you got a beard,

but I'm talking about

The Bearded One.

Do you have Denny's in Pakistan?

Does The Bearded One

go to Denny's?

Gary Faulkner, U.S.A.

Gary Faulkner,

U.S.A.

Fuckner?

Fuckner?!

No, not Fuckner, man.

It's Faulkner, man. Faulkner.

F***-ner.

No, uh, it's Faulkner, man.

Fuckner, that's what you said.

Not Fuckner, Faulkner, man.

Just call me The G.

Uh, you got a bellhop

that can help me with my bags?

No, h-h-he's... he's dead.

Dead?

Did Al-Qaeda shoot the bellhop?

No!

Not at all, sir.

Gangsters, sir.

- He was killed for...

- Gangsters? Not Al-Qaeda?

We have no Al-Qaeda here.

I got an AK-47

shoved up my ass.

He-he want... he want to s...

to-to-to know about America.

Man, America's good!

- Hamburger.

- We got... we got hamburgers.

We got Dairy Queen.

We got the best chicken wings

in the world.

- Woman, woman, woman.

- F***, man, but

- we got the California girls, man.

- Woman.

Fuckner good, Fuckner good.

I told you, just call me The G.

You are so funny.

- I like it.

- Oh, yeah.

All right, look, can somebody

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