Army of One Page #7

show me where my room is?

I got to get, uh, I have

a very important mission.

Try it, motherf***er!

Like all men on covert ops,

Gary's first day was spent

doing reconnaissance.

Scouring the streets,

looking for clues.

A motivated Gary Faulkner

was a dangerous Gary Faulkner.

Nothing could stop him

when he was on a mission.

Nothing could make

him lose focus

when he had a plan.

These are all things

Gary Faulkner told me.

You have many diverse

kind of sundry spices here.

I think I can use

some of these spices

in my chicken wing hot sauce,

but I need molasses, too.

Molasses. Do you have molasses?

No, molasses, not jackasses.

I didn't call you jackasses.

I said molasses.

Not calling you a jack...

Here you go.

Thank you.

I'm looking

for something pretty

for a young lady.

- Yes, yes.

- She's not even ten.

Okay? Something exotic,

something...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Something that has

some flavor to it.

Now, wait, this could work.

- This is good.

- Yeah.

This could work.

Come on, here take this.

I'm gonna take that.

Good.

Good, you got the...

you got the long knives.

You got the short knives.

You got the...

you got the Damascus.

Check this out.

Nothing?

All right.

Well, you have a blessed day.

No, man.

You're do... you're doing

it all wrong, man.

You're not talking to the meat.

That's how come

you've got no customers.

You got to... you got to talk

to the meat.

Goat meat, like all meat,

has a vertical line

and it has a horizontal line,

and at the epicenter

of where those two lines cross

is where the spirit

of the meat comes out.

You say,

"Thank you, baby goat."

"Thank you, baby goat."

"Thank you, baby goat."

At the end of the first day,

Gary realized this might be

harder than he thought.

If only God

could give him a sign.

Looks like my brother Gary

cooked up a storm.

I couldn't get the molasses,

but if these aren't the best

chicken wings

you've ever tasted,

then I'm not the Donkey King.

Thank you, sir, you are so kind.

Oh.

- Mmm.

- Mmm.

Don't worry, sir!

I-I know a dentist.

He's very good.

Okay.

Pass that around.

That's nice.

I f***ing love Pakistan.

Ride it, cowboy.

Ride.

Yeah.

The G...

wants to get his pinball on.

No worky?

There you go.

Come on, come on, yeah.

Do you want to play some more?

Ah, you f***ing...!

Thief!

Hey! Hey!

Stop! Hey!

You stop it!

Hey!

You f***ing f***!

Hey!

Sh*t!

Whoa!

You know, I'm here

to capture The Bearded One,

so if you have any info on him,

please let me know, but really?

I don't see why you,

sir, are messing

with this young lady.

All right.

So, we're gonna do this.

Step aside, motherfuckers.

100% pure

Japanese Damascus steel.

Hey, hey, calm down, wait!

Ah, smell that, sir?

What's up?

Smell of a people and a culture

clamoring for democracy.

And aloo paratha.

That the bread thing?

- Yeah, with the potato inside.

- Yeah, yeah.

- I like that, I like that.

- It's delicious.

I mean, they make some

good stuff here.

Bread was invented here

in the lndus river valley.

- Really?

- Yeah.

That's great. Fascinating.

What's this?

This...

regards an American samurai

who is at loose

in the slums of lslamabad.

- What does that mean?

- He appeared out of nowhere

and he botched

an ongoing investigation.

An American ninja.

- Samurai.

- An American samurai.

American Ninja was a movie,

1985, Michael Dudikoff.

So, who is the guy?

We have no idea.

Well, let's find out.

I will.

- Gorgeous sunset.

- Oh!

- Jesus.

- Sorry.

Don't do that.

- I wasn't trying to scare you.

- God.

What do you think?

Why you have a thobe?

You still want to go undercover,

don't you?

Please?

Look, you're too tall.

You're going to stick out

like a sore thumb.

I'm not pretending

to be Pakistani.

What are you going to be?

I'm going to be a, uh,

a national living abroad.

A South African, a Dutchman.

A Norwegian, perhaps...

a farmer.

- W... you have this...

- A mercenary.

Bizarre fantasy that somehow

you're the Dutch James Bond

or something.

I love James Bond.

The Living Daylights

was on last night.

Timothy Dalton...

- greatest Bond of all time.

- No.

- No?

- No, no, no.

Who do you like...

oh, Sean Connery?

No.

- Roger Moore?

- No.

The-the new guy with the...

- The m... the Russian thug? No.

- Muscles?

What's happening

with our American samurai?

American samurai,

actual name, Gary Faulkner.

He's been indicted

several times,

minor, uh, misdemeanors.

Works as a handyman.

He's searching

for Osama bin Laden.

What do you mean, "he's

searching for Osama bin Laden?"

He's obsessed.

If this f***ing lunatic's

anywhere near him,

I'm truly f***ed.

- Do you understand me?

- That's true.

So this cannot happen,

all right?

- This is worse...

- This is on you.

This is worse

than the $5 million.

It's wo... it's worse

than the $5 million,

so you know what?

Do your job.

Find this guy.

Bring him in.

And we're going

to neutralize him.

Welcome Al-Qaeda crips

to my cave.

My name is OBL, Osama bin Laden.

But this is my homies

on the left here.

This guy here, he make them

white boys tremble,

so we just call him Milkshake,

you know.

We got one DVD box set,

Seinfeld, man.

D-don't know...

Jews are funny, man.

- Like Kramer.

- Jerry!

Osama, Osama Jr., Osama III,

'cause Osama Junior Junior

Junior was stupid.

Yo, Muhammad, third

from the right, who's she?

My main man, ldi Amin.

Pulled some tight sh*t

in Uganda.

You know what I'm saying?

Ayatollah Khomeini.

This guy got

mad beard skills, man.

Got the baddest

motherf***er alive,

George W. Bush.

Oh, God!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Oh, my God!

- Get in the truck, Gary.

- Yes, my...

I'm sorry.

Where are you going, Gary?

I don't know.

You don't even know

where you're going, do you?

You're just wandering around

aimlessly.

No particular direction.

No better than a paramecium.

A what?

A paramecium, Gary.

It's a single cellular

life form

I created some time ago.

I was pretty proud of it

back then.

Still around to this day,

because Noah,

in his infinite wisdom,

chose to put it on the Ark,

along with syphilis

and gonorrhea.

Y-you're all-knowing, right?

Yeah, yeah, I am,

all-knowing. Yeah.

Well, then,

why don't you help me?

I mean, just like a-a drop.

Helping hint.

There's no hints, Gary.

This is not a treasure hunt,

or a quiz show.

You got freedom of choice.

Freedom of thought.

Do you know how beautiful

that is? I mean,

I know every thought

before you think it,

and let me tell you,

a lot of the thoughts

you got coming up

are pretty f***ing stupid.

I am God.

I am the question

and the answer.

- Yes, my Lord!

- What's this now?

What's this?

It's not Aladdin.

I'm not a genie.

You are genuflecting

too aggressively.

You're gonna set off

the airbag.

Well, uh, of course,

I could be wrong, my Lord.

My Sweet Lord,

but I-I think this model

doesn't come with airbags.

Shut up, Gary!

Shut up!

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