Army of One Page #8

Sorry. Lord, I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm just lost.

You got any idea how many times

I hear that every day?

"I'm lost, then I was found.

I'm blind, now I can see."

I'm tired of that lost shepherd,

lost sheep sh*t.

Yes, Lord.

- Don't f***ing "Yes, Lord" me.

- Yes, Lord.

- I said don't say that.

- Yes, Lord.

- Gary! -Yes, Lord.

- What? -No, Lord.

- Are you saying no to me, Gary?

- No!

I'm doing too much sh*t

to worry about this.

I've got 14 trillion

things to deal with right now.

I'm doing a million things

in this moment.

I'm dealing

with Hezbollah, Ebola,

some guy called Obama,

Coca-Cola.

I got a lot of sh*t

to deal with.

Do you understand me?

But I just want you to be happy.

Well, then, Gary, try this.

I help those

that help themselves.

Gary began to battle episodes

of paranoid hallucinations.

Maybe it was because he had

gone weeks without dialysis.

Maybe it was because

he had smoked, in his words,

"A sh*t-ton of hash."

He sensed eyes on him,

and saw danger in every corner.

Hey!

Give me that moped.

Give me that thing.

Give it up.

Get out of my way!

You're letting him get away.

My handle was bad.

You're letting him get away!

Technically, a yacht is, uh,

anything over 30 feet.

This was just below,

it was about 26,

so I wouldn't say it

was a yacht.

What was the yacht for?

Uh, sailing in San Diego.

- Business?

- Uh, yeah. Sure, business.

Wh... no. I was trying

to get Osama bin Laden.

That's what I'm here for.

We've already been over this.

Uh-huh. And-and so what were

you doing in the yacht?

- Were you smuggling?

- No, I wasn't smuggling.

I was trying to get here.

- Who are you working with?

- Uh...

I'd tell you,

but you wouldn't believe me.

- MI-5.

- No.

- SAVAC?

- No.

- Mossad.

- No.

- It was...

- No, no.

I'm a lone wolf.

- Is that your handler?

- My handler?

- I don't have a handler.

- You and who?

- No, it's just me. You know,

- And?

I-I don't expect

someone like you

- would understand that.

- Try me.

- Just give me a name.

- Any name. Any contact.

All right, well, we can talk

about that one right now.

I-I... it's just me and God.

Is-is he your handler, God?

You don't know who God is?

- He's God!

- Where is he currently?

- Can we talk to him?

- God?

- Yeah, can I talk to him?

- He's everywhere.

- Do you have an email address?

- He's everywhere.

Just one place.

Name one place.

Uh, he's right here,

right now.

- You know what I'm going to do?

- What?

I'm going to make your life

a living hell.

'Cause I can do that.

- 'Cause I have power.

- Oh!

- Is that a threat?

- Yeah. Yeah.

All right, this is it.

You know what?

You'll never even travel again.

You're grounded.

I am going to send you

out of here right now

to pack up your sh*t,

and we're going to

- put you on a plane,

- Deporting you.

- And send you back to America.

- I love this.

- Thank you.

- Where you will stay.

- Okay.

- You will never come back

- to Pakistan again.

- Okay.

- Buh-bye.

- All right. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Maybe we should turn him.

Make him one of ours.

He's got the goods.

I just want to say thank you.

It was good and it was cheap,

and-and you're my friend,

- and I love you.

- Thank you, sir.

You're so kind.

You'll be always welcome.

Thank you, sir.

Shareef Hahsid,

thank you for keeping me safe.

Thank you.

- Bye, sir.

- Bye.

Have a nice trip.

- We will miss you.

- I'll miss you, too.

- Maybe I like to visit America one time.

- Oh, man.

- You gotta come with me to America, dude.

- Yeah, yeah.

- If you come back another time,

- Abso...

- I want to visit your mother place.

- Absolutely, Shareef.

- Yeah, take care.

- Absolutely.

Get down!

It was later learned

that the shots fired

from the rooftop were not

from an Al-Qaeda sniper,

but the result of a dispute

between the shooter

and the hotel's

security guard,

concerning one of the man 's

two wives and a goat.

Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, comi ng through.

Sorry, coming through.

Goddamn it!

F***ing scaffolding?!

Next time use a backup line.

Taxi! Taxi!

My friend! My friend!

- Taxi!

- I will give you a ride. Come.

Do you see that motorcycle?

- Follow him.

- Like movie.

Yeah. Like movie,

although real.

Go, Havidee, go!

Ah! F***!

We have been driving

for two hours.

I'm running out of gas.

That son-of-a-b*tch

is Al-Qaeda.

That is his name, Al-Qaeda?

- No, he's in Al-Qaeda.

- He is?

That's right.

And he's going to lead us

- to Osama bin Laden.

- Us?

- Are you serious?

- I'm damn serious.

There he is.

He's going up the hill.

Follow him.

I'm telling you,

we're gonna lose this guy.

I cannot, my friend.

This old thing will not make it

up the road.

All right. Look, I understand.

Are you sure

you won't come back with me?

We could have tea and talk

about football and women.

Maybe some day, my friend.

Maybe some day,

but right now,

I've got a job to do.

After all the hardships,

the struggles,

the wrong turns,

Gary had caught the scent

of his quarry.

Osama bin Laden was just

over this hill.

Hello.

Sh*t.

Everybody really wants

to know

How it is

that I love you so.

Hi, God.

Hey, Gary.

Here you are,

closer to him

than ever.

And he's out here, isn't he?

You feel him, Gary.

He's out here.

I was irresponsible

in making your species.

Cursing you with consciousness.

Gary.

I'm just like you.

A handyman trying to fix up

a cosmic shack

with a nail here

and a lick of paint there.

Knowing that the building

really needs to be condemned.

People say that I made you

in my image,

but the truth is,

you made me in yours.

That's why we're in trouble.

The G is in the air.

King Donkey's in the sky.

Hey, there.

It's me.

It's the G.

What the hell?

Oh, sh*t.

I see you, Binny boy.

The time has come.

The G has arrived.

Yeah, yeah, y-y-yeah.

Y-y-yeah, y-y-y-yeah!

Bin salam alaikum

Binny boy.

Alaikum salaam, Gary Fuckner.

This is where you live?

This sh*t hole?

What happened to the place

I saw on TV?

W-What place was that, Gary?

Your crib, man.

Don't you watch TV?

You had all those photos

with the terrorists.

Your own customized

pinball machine.

- Pin... what is pinball?

- Don't f*** with me.

Gary, I have absolutely no idea

what you're talking about.

You know it's really

very simple.

Let me see if I can explain

it to you

in words you might be able

to understand.

America's the greatest country

on Earth.

I'm not talking

about the government.

I might even agree

with you there,

a bunch of crooks and liars.

I'm talking

about the people, Osama.

They're good people.

Gary, stop it. Stop talking.

- Uh, oh.

- Shut up.

- Shut up, is that what you're saying?

- Yes.

I don't really know

how you got in here,

or what you're even doing here,

but I'm going to give you

one chance

to turn around and leave.

Oh, you're going

to give me a chance.

Yes.

See, I'm Osama bin Lad...

Don't laugh. I'm Osa...

Hey.

- No, I'm Osama bin Laden.

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