Army of One Page #9

- Okay.

Yeah, and I'm the head of the Al-Qaeda.

And I will not rest

until my mission

is accomplished, or at least

until I die a glorious

fiery death trying.

Stop laughing.

I had a feeling you were going

to say something like that.

In that case...

looks like I've got a job to do.

Un-f***ing-believable.

Ooh!

No! No!

No!

Aha!

Sh*t!

My fingers are tingling!

It's not my f***ing fault.

I didn't expect that.

Stop that.

How it is that

- I love you so

- What are you doing?

- My Money

- Lunatic.

Call me honey

Just f***ing fight

normally, guy.

Let me say how

- There's just a

- We brawl.

Wave of his hand.

Shut up!

Let it kill.

I won! I won!

Mr. Faulkner.

- Good morning.

- Hi.

How are you feeling?

- Can I get you anything? A Pepsi?

- Stop, stop it.

He's a diabetic;

don't give him a Pepsi.

You're gonna throw

him into shock.

- Where am I? Where am I?

- Diet Pepsi?

- You are in a hospital

- A U.S. hospital.

- In Islamabad.

- You were found

in a field unconscious.

Where's Osama?

Osama?!

Gosh, he's not here.

- What about the cave?

- Mr. Faulkner, there are millions

of caves in Pakistan.

I don't think

you were in a cave.

Even if you were in a cave,

we wouldn't be able to identify

which cave you were in.

- You let him go!

- You know what, you're frustrated.

- Calm down, your heart.

- We're all frustrated,

Mr. Faulkner.

- I had Osama bin Laden!

- You did not have him!

- And you let him go!

- You never had him!

- Don't you bother me.

- You never had...

You let Osama bin Laden go.

- Stay, please.

- You never had

- OBL!

- I had him!

You let him go!

- Hey.

- Oh, oh!

- I'm back.

- Oh, my God, get in here.

- Okay.

- Oh, my God.

Lizzie!

Guess who it is?

There she is!

Oh, I've got surprises.

I've got goodies.

Oh, look at this.

You know what this is?

Look.

This is an exotic dress

from Pakistan.

Isn't that nice?

- That is gorgeous.

- Yeah, well,

they were very nice there.

They were.

They were very welcoming,

and one day I'd like

to take both of you there.

It'd be an adventure.

We'd love to go.

- Yeah.

- Right?

Yeah.

I hope you don't mind.

I called a radio station,

and-and I told them

all about you...

- Radio station?

- And I think they want

- to interview you...

- Oh.

Later on this week,

if that's okay.

An interview?

Well, I'd have

to check my schedule.

You know, I have a lot to do.

I'm-I'm planning

and training and...

but, uh, well,

we'll see, we'll see.

- Yeah.

- Oh.

- I'm glad you're home.

- I'm glad to be back.

- I am.

- I'm so glad you're home.

- I'm so glad I'm home.

- Thank you.

I'm so glad I'm home.

- Okay, you want to try this on?

- Yeah.

Duh-duh-duh-duh!

- Huh?

- Oh!

Yeah!

You look great.

I'll get it!

- Gary! Gary! Gary!

- The f***!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, my God.

Tell us about your experiences.

Yeah, yeah, with bin Laden,

yeah.

Dr. Ross, it's-it's Gary.

He's on the radio.

Uh, tell us, Gary,

how did you finance the trip?

Yeah, I lied

to my kidney doctor.

I told him I bought

an engagement ring,

but really I bought a boat

and sailed to Pakistan.

Most people thought I was crazy,

but I guess to my friends,

I seem normal.

Yeah.

You know, I really could not

have done anything

without Marci,

and you know what they say.

It's easier to beg

for forgiveness

than to ask for permission.

Hollywood called, and they want

to make a movie about The G,

and they said,

"Who do you want to play you?

Clint Eastwood or Dan Aykroyd?"

I thought,

"I don't know."

And then they

brought up Nic Cage.

I said,

"Nic Cage did Con Air."

Don't you think I look a little

like Nic Cage in Con Air?

Let me help you

with the groceries.

- I can get that.

- Thanks.

Yeah.

Lettuce.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, wow.

Roasted marshmallows

are the best.

These are the best.

Um... you know, I was going

to make veggie lasagna tonight.

I'd love to but...

I-I-I got to be straight

with you

because I know it's important,

you know.

I-I'm going back to Pakistan.

You're going back to Pakistan.

Well, yeah, I got

to get the job done.

Are you afraid of anything?

Does anything scare you?

Islands.

Islands? What do you mean?

- Like... island-islands?

- Yeah... yeah.

Like Hawaii?

Yeah, most people

are afraid of islands.

They just don't know it,

but it's natural.

It's natural to fear them

because when you're on an island

you're surrounded and stuff,

and, anyway, I'm more inclined

'cause I'm a Leo, and lions...

they just have no place

on an island.

I mean, that's a fact.

That's a fact.

Do you want to know

what I'm afraid of?

Bats.

No.

That's all I got.

It's a long list.

Well, hey, listen...

as long as I'm around,

if you need any help

slaying any demons,

I'm your man.

And what about

when you're not here?

- Come on.

- Where's Lizzie?

School.

Come on.

Tonight, I can report

to the American people

that the United States has

conducted an operation

that killed Osama bin Laden,

the leader of Al-Qaeda.

The images of 9/11 are seared

into our national memory.

And a terrorist

responsible for the murder

of thousands

of innocent men,

women, and children.

Jet planes... cutting through...

a cloudless September sky.

The Twin Towers collapsing to the ground.

I determined

that we had enough...

Oh, my God, this is a big day

for America, okay.

Those guys are heroes.

To get Osama bin Laden

and bring him to justice.

The United States launched

a targeted operation

against that compound...

Gary, are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

That crazy God of mine.

He sure works

in mysterious ways.

It's a sign.

I'd be foolish not to heed it.

You know, that last construction

company offered me a job.

Maybe it's time we take this

to the next level.

There's no doubt that

Al-Qaeda will continue

to persue attacks against us.

Traditional procedures

for lslamic burial

were followed.

The deceased's body was washed,

then placed in a white sheet.

After, the body was placed

on a prepared flat board,

tipped up, whereupon

the deceased's body

slipped into the sea.

Well...

what do you think?

They buried him at sea.

Really?

No pictures yet released,

but there's still

a lot more information...

The U.S. government

is embarrassed,

because they have not caught him

yet, so they want to make us

believe that he's dead.

Otherwise,

why not show us his face?

Show us his body.

Why-why the burial at sea?

He's alive and I'm the only one

who can capture him.

I am Gary Faulkner.

I'm the Donkey King.

It's a lie!

I'm going back!

That's right, Lizzie.

When you find your purpose,

you have to do it.

You have to do it,

no matter what.

Lizzie! Lizzie!

This is my sword.

Well, it was my sword.

Now it's your sword.

Wait a minute.

You don't need a sword.

This is just a stick

to hold a balloon.

Just a handle for joy

as far as I'm concerned.

So, you hold on tight,

sweetheart,

because joy comes forever.

Joy comes forever.

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