Arsenic and Old Lace Page #11

before I've moved out?

Who, Mr. President?

Taft!

No, this isn't Mr. Taft.

It's Mr. Witherspoon, your guide to Africa.

Bully! Bully!

Wait right here.

I'll bring down my equipment.

Happy man.

Goodbye, Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha.

I'm on my way to Africa.

Isn't it wonderful?

Charge!

It's all right, I've got it.

Oh, dear.

And Happy Dale is full of staircases.

You've come to meet Teddy, haven't you?

No, he's come to take him.

Teddy's been blowing his bugle again.

No, he can't go now! We won't permit it.

We promise to take his bugle

away from him.

-We won't be separated from Teddy.

-I'm sorry.

How can you allow this? You promised.

Brewster's got nothing to do with this.

The law is the law!

Teddy's committed himself

and he's got to go.

-If he's going, we're going, too!

-Yes, you'll have to take us with him.

Why not? Why not, indeed?

It's sweet of them, but impossible.

We never take sane people at Happy Dale.

These little sane people will get lost

in the shuffle. You could arrange that.

Just put them in

and they'll get all mixed up.

Too dangerous. Dissension, jealousy.

Now, let's be sensible, ladies.

Here I am wasting my time

when I could be doing some serious work.

There are still murders

to be solved in Brooklyn.

It ain't only his bugle blowing.

Things are going to get worse.

We're liable to have to dig up your cellar.

Our cellar?

Teddy's been telling around

there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar.

There are 13 bodies in our cellar.

What?

Yes. You just ask our nephew, Mortimer.

Charge!

Isn't that amazing?

You behave yourself.

You know very well there are

Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar.

And there are hundreds more

up in the attic, Captain!

-What is this?

-You mustn't mind Mortimer.

-How about it?

-I'll be right there.

He's been a little strange all day.

Right now I wouldn't know what is

and what ain't strange anymore.

-I'll look in that cellar.

-I'll tell you what we'll do.

I'll bring my bodies from the attic

and you get yours from the cellar...

...and we'll get them all together,

and we'll send them to Happy Dale.

No, you wouldn't have to dig.

The graves are all marked.

-We put flowers on them every Sunday.

-Flowers?

Sure, I put neon lights on mine.

Humor them, humor them.

Smile.

There's one down there, a Mr. Spenalzo...

Hasn't got it yet.

...who doesn't belong here

and has to leave.

-But the other 12 are our gentlemen.

-Your gentlemen?

You'd like mine better.

None of mine are gentlemen.

-You mustn't mind him at all.

-He got married today.

"There is a Happy Dale far, far away

"There is a Happy"

He got it. It's amazing.

Don't you think you can find room

for the ladies?

Just the ladies?

Just the ladies!

-How about it?

-They'd have to be committed.

Teddy committed himself. Couldn't they?

-All they have to do is sign the papers.

-Certainly.

If we can go with Teddy,

we'll sign the papers.

Where are they?

I have them, ladies, right here.

Sign them up, will you?

I want this all cleaned up.

I'm going out to talk to that spy.

Maybe I can understand him.

Thirteen bodies in the cellar.

Ladies, if you'll sign right here.

-Here?

-Yes, please.

It's on the right-hand side there.

I'm really looking forward to going.

The neighborhood here has changed so.

Yes. Especially since they won

that old pennant thing.

Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.

We've overlooked something.

It's absolutely compulsory that we have

the signature of a physician.

A doctor.

Dr. Einstein! Come here

and sign some papers, please.

-Good night.

-Come here, Dr. Einstein.

-A doctor?

-Yes.

Dr. Einstein almost operated on me earlier.

Come along, Doctor.

Now, here. Just sign right here,

please, Doctor.

-Were you leaving, Doctor?

-Yes, please.

Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan?

I don't think we go to the same place.

Hello, Mac. We picked up that guy

that's wanted in lndiana.

His accomplice's description is

on the circular, on the desk.

Read it to me, will you?

About 40.

Five-foot-three.

One hundred and forty pounds.

Pop eyes.

Talks with a German accent.

Poses as a doctor.

Okay, Mac. Thanks.

It's all right. The doctor

has completed the signatures.

That's great!

Thanks, Doc.

You've done Brooklyn a great service.

But Dr. Einstein!

-Now, Mr. Witherspoon--

-You're Witherspoon, I'm Brewster.

It's contagious, yes. It's your turn.

-Don't play games--

-You sign.

You sign as next of kin.

Why didn't you say so?

I'm all confused. Don't mind me.

Mr. Witherport.

-Spoon.

-Here.

Come up and pack my duffel.

Duffel?

Pack his duffel. He's President, you know?

And bring along my bugle.

President.

Don't charge!

We're really very worried about something.

Now, darling, don't be worried.

-Me too, Mortimer.

-Well, of course, darling.

You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale.

We're very happy about the whole thing,

but that's just it.

We don't want anything to go wrong.

Will they investigate those signatures?

-They won't look up Dr. Einstein--

-But it's not his signature, dear.

-It's yours.

-Mine?

You see, you signed as next of kin.

-What's wrong about that, darling?

-Martha, you tell him.

Well, dear.

-What, dear?

-You're not really a Brewster.

-What?

-Your mother came to us as a cook.

And you were born

about three months afterwards.

And she was such a sweet woman

and such a good cook...

...we didn't want to lose her.

So brother married her.

Your real father was a cook, too.

He was a chef on a tramp steamer.

You mean I'm not really a Brewster?

-Darling!

-Don't feel so badly about it.

I'm sure it won't make any difference

to Elaine.

Where are you? Can you hear me?

I'm not really a Brewster!

I'm the son of a sea cook!

It's true! I saw them. It's true.

It's true! There are 13 bodies down there!

But I saw them--

What's all this screaming about?

-But I saw them--

-It's way past her bedtime.

Quiet!

-But, Mortimer--

-Goodbye!

-'Bye.

-Goodbye, darling!

-What is all this?

-They're going on their honeymoon.

They're off to a flying start.

I really did see--

You'll own two cabs!

I mean the meter!

Oh, Mortimer.

We're going to Niagara Falls.

Call me a cab, dear.

Yes, love.

But, Mr. Brewster!

I'm not a Brewster.

I'm a son of a sea cook.

Charge!

I'm not a cabdriver. I'm a coffeepot!

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