Arthur

Cheers.

Bitterman?

Why are you shaving?

Because Robin doesn't have a beard.

Bitterman, we're only doing this

for a bit of a laugh.

We're not genuine crime fighters, are we?

And if we were, you would not be

my first choice of sidekick.

Look at your shoes.

They're your chauffeur shoes, aren't they?

I can see your tummy.

Mr. Bach, are you sure you wanna go

to your mother's fundraiser like this?

I think it's black-tie.

This is black.

Just that Hobson said

not to get into any trouble.

What trouble could possibly come

from a harmless game of dress-up?

Hmm?

Already bought the car.

You think they're chasing us?

Don't be ridiculous, this is the Batmobile.

We're their friends.

Driver, pull the car over.

How do you slow down?

- Where are the brakes on this thing?

What do you suppose this does?

Oh!

Ow!

Ask the police for directions

to your mother's fundraiser.

I think that problem

has been recently superseded.

Tell them it's at a museum.

We destroyed a beloved landmark.

It's around here somewhere.

I need you to not to talk for a little while.

Good evening, officers.

What seems to be the problem?

You're drunk again, Arthur.

No. I have remained drunk

since our last encounter.

Let's go. Batman and Robin,

out of the car. Come on.

Could I just point out

the elephant in the room?

Are these testicles strictly necessary?

They're an accident waiting to happen.

Okay, let's go. Come on.

See, I don't like being this close

to these balls.

I'll be right with you.

Gotham is safe.

Oh, man.

If I could just write you a check

for the damage to your golden cow...

...we can all be about our business.

Say no more.

- Or not. Turn around. Come on.

What's it?

- Are we going to prison?

Yes.

We're going to prison.

We're going to prison, Bitterman.

Yes.

- I knew this day would come and it's today.

That's all well and good...

...but it's not a market crash

we're concerned about.

Your concerns are legitimate, chancellor.

I do assure you that Arthur's

a bit more serious these days.

- He's begun to take an interest in finance.

- Wonderful.

- Could you excuse us?

- Sure.

I'm sorry, Vivienne. The university

cannot wager its endowment...

...on a fund

with such an uncertain future.

He's like a ship without an anchor.

Maybe it's time we tied him

to another ship.

Tito! Tito, I'll see you at the cockfight.

Better be what I think it is.

Wow, you paid for everyone's release?

It seemed unfair that we'd leave

and that they'd remain.

How do you explain

this frivolous spending during a recession?

Fair point.

Uh, recession...

Free money!

This is yours.

Okay, recession's over! We're in a boom!

That was brave.

What incredible flexibility.

- Hello, Hobson.

- Morning, Arthur. And friend.

Tiffany.

Oh, points for knowing her name

and saying it with confidence.

I made a mental association

with my lamp.

Tiffany, this is my nanny, Hobson,

my best friend in the whole world.

- Your nanny?

- He's merely shaped like an adult.

So how are you feeling

on the other side of...

...that vast moat of champagne

called "last night"?

Splendid.

Your mother called.

She wants to see you this morning.

Vivienne? Why do you think

Vivienne wants to see me today?

It doesn't make sense.

After destroying

a world-famous landmark...

...and giving away $78,000

from an ATM, I can't imagine.

- Is she gonna stay here?

Um...

...I wouldn't recommend letting him

get used to your breasts, dear.

He's got an addictive personality,

you know. He was at mine till he was 6.

Hobson.

I had to dab Tabasco on the nipples

to see him off.

- That lady has never once breast-fed me.

- Despite his best efforts.

Hey, that's my purse.

Oh.

Look, I don't know how that

got in there. I don't know, Arthur.

It's probably just one of those mysteries

that will never be discovered.

JFK, who nicked my watch.

- Oh, that's actually mine.

- Bravo, well done.

Something of yours in your handbag.

No, you don't have to

go through the pictures, actually.

Arthur.

Oh, don't worry about all that.

That's very rude. Invasion of privacy.

Oh, you're leaving?

I support your decision 100 percent.

Will you be requiring a taxi

or just getting into a random passing car?

You guys are weird and racist.

Bye-bye, Tiffany.

I'll call you,

if you've not stolen my phone.

Help yourself to that priceless sculpture

on your way out the door.

Put it down.

Say goodbye

to your other new friends now, Arthur.

They have to go back to the real world.

Oh, I hate the real world, Hobson. I'll work

from bed today if you don't mind.

Hobson.

Breakfast, now.

Here.

Hobson!

Hobson?

Hobson! Hobson! Hobson!

- Hobson! Hobson!

- What?

Lesbian Simon and Garfunkel,

Look.

Hmm. Well spotted.

Another of your wasted talents.

Wash your winkie. Thoroughly.

Heaven knows what exotic wildlife

that girl was harboring between her thighs.

Whoa, Hobson. You're missing Asian you.

Ah! You're going too quickly.

You're pushing it too hard.

- I don't like it here, Hobson.

- Course you don't. People work here.

But there's an elevator.

You get to press the buttons.

Silver lining.

Mr. Bach?

Your mother will see you now.

Don't worry, Arthur, it won't take long.

Then we'll watch cartoons.

Hello, Arthur.

Oh, hello, Susan.

I didn't see you there coming down this

long, brightly-lit, unobstructed corridor...

...walking straight towards me.

I owe you a call, don't I?

From January.

We dated three months.

You just disappeared.

When Houdini did it, it was fun.

Hmm.

Houdini was a conjurer.

He used to disappear.

- I understood the reference.

- I just thought it deserved more.

You know, you're the only man

I ever slept with who broke up with me.

- Really?

- Really.

Well, call me a romantic...

...but I believe

that dating should involve crazy things...

...like talking.

- Oh, ha, ha.

- What are we gonna do with you, Arthur?

- Release me into the wild.

Hunt me down with dogs.

Good luck with your mother.

Come in, Arthur.

Oh, hello. The future's now.

Hello, Vivienne. I remember you

from when I used to live in your womb.

Arthur.

Well, today, Arthur,

we're gonna have a friendly chat.

Then a serious talk.

And finally,

I'm going to offer you an ultimatum.

How does all that sound?

Like it would be improved by vodka.

So I hear you've been having fun.

Quite the contrary, actually.

I've been rather busy.

I've got a riding boot shoot and, uh,

I had a bit of a scare with Bitterman.

Thought he'd found a lump. Turned out

it was just his phone in his back pocket.

But worrying time nonetheless.

Well, that went very well.

Surprisingly warm. Our best chat yet.

I'm aware that our relationship

has never been ideal.

Mm...

No, please. Don't reproach yourself.

Yes, motherhood wasn't your forte...

...but you did provide me with

that lovable cloth monkey as a surrogate.

You know, sometimes I'm glad he's gone.

I'm gonna assume you mean Father

and not Mr. Tickles.

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