Arthur Christmas

Dear Santa, are you real?

lf you live at the North Pole...

...how come l can't see your house

when l look on Google Earth?

Are you Saint Nicholas?

Because you'd be incredibly old.

How do you have time

to read all the letters...

...from all the children in the world?

And how many cookies and mince pies

have you eaten in all of history?

How do you get all the presents

in the sack?

Does your sack have to

get bigger every year...

...because of exponential

population growth?

And how do you get down

the chimneys?

I put my head in ours

and it's really small.

Even if you could squeeze down it

in one minute...

...there's nine houses in my road

so that's nearly 1 0 minutes.

And there are millions of roads

in the world.

lt must be so hard being Santa

these days.

l mean, what if after all of that,

l'm staying at Grandma's?

Santa, how can you get round

the whole world in just one night?

My friend said...

...that you'd have to go so fast...

...it would make you and the sleigh

and the reindeer all burn up.

I think you are real.

But how do you do it?

For Christmas l would love

a pink Twinkle Bike with stabilizers.

But please don't bring it

if it makes you and the reindeer burn.

Love, Gwen Hines. 23 Mimosa Avenue,

Trelew, Cornwall, England.

Dear Gwen,

thank you for your letter...

...and brilliant picture.

Your request for a pink Twinkle Bike

will be passed on to Santa.

And, yes, do believe in Santa.

He is real.

He's the greatest man ever.

And he can get around the world

to every child...

...without a single reindeer

being roasted ali--

Hurt.

By the time the sun comes up

on Christmas Day, he'll get to you too...

...using his...

...special magic.

First Field Elf Battalion, set.

-Straighten that teddy bear, soldier.

-Ma'am.

That's a:

"Ho, ho, ho" Aarhus.

Field elves, jingle! Drop time,

1 8.14 seconds per household.

Left foot, sir. Right foot, sir.

That's it, that's it.

Dog food incoming.

Meaty chunks in the hole.

Wow, a grand piano. This kid

must have been good his whole life.

Marvelous. Gets me every time.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry--

Carrot chomped.

-Sir?

-Goodness me.

Sorry.

Drop complete. Stand by, S-1 .

-You're gonna make it, soldier.

-Aarhus is merry.

Santa has left the building.

North Pole to S-1 , you have weather...

...fluctuation. Update camouflage.

Roger that, Control.

Hull projection...

-...optimized.

-Roger, S-1 .

Denmark cleared.

Next drop, Flensburg,

minus 1 2.4 seconds.

Flensburg weather:

Deep, crisp, even.

-Making a list.

-Check it twice.

-Checking twice.

-A wrap for Denmark.

-Converting milk and cookies to biofuel.

-Hello?

-Santa on bridge.

-Sorry.

Forgot the PlN code.

Just crossed into Germany, sir.

Germany.

-So many countries these days.

-lt's a big night, sir.

My 70th mission. Yes.

Oh, sorry.

One too many mince pies.

Looking forward to it? Retirement?

Ten seconds to Flensburg.

Maintain current....

-Carry on.

-Update national protocol.

Delete rice pudding and carrot.

German leave-out for Santa...

...is shoe on front step.

Repeat, shoe on step.

-600AM3.

-Gift secured.

Oi, soldier. Get off your baubles.

What happened to peace and goodwill

to all men, sarge?

lt don't say nothing about elves, soldier.

Go, go, go!

Engage rooftops.

lt's snow time!

S-1 , hold drop altitude.

This is Germany, Father.

Drive on the right.

National dish:
sausage.

Okay, let's show them, people.

Operation Santa Claus is coming to town.

-Drop complete.

-Drop complete.

Operational efficiency:

-One hundred percent.

-Hold the handrail.

Dear, l'm sorry.

Thanks. Brendon Doherty.

Ruby Miller. That's Grace Smith.

She wants...

-...an elephant.

-What are you doing here?

Got to get this letter

from Maria Costa...

...to Steve.

Oh, no! Maria!

Bye-bye, Maria.

ls this yours, Arthur?

Oh, thanks, Kenneth.

-Merry Christmas.

-Want...

...a ride?

Doubt it.

No, thanks. l'm not...

...very good with heights, speed...

...and that thing!

-Buckle down, people.

-Buckle down.

-Peter.

-Ready, sir.

SlTREP on special forces.

-Where are they?

-America, sir.

White House.

Delivering to the president's children, sir.

Okay. Left out of the Oval Office,

right at the Cabinet Room...

...via the air vents.

You think of everything, sir.

Thank you, Peter. l'd love an espresso.

Coming right up.

Beg your pardon. Well done!

Merry Christmas.

-Wow, brilliant.

-Mind the glasses.

Keep up, everybody.

-Arthur.

-Sorry. Can l just--?

No, never mind.

Do you mind if l--?

Oh, dear.

l'm so sorry.

-6B--

-Merry Christmas.

-FRC--

-And a happy New Year.

What a night, sir.

Out with the old Santa,

in with the new, eh?

Let's focus on the now, eh, Peter?

Support teams...

-...prep Poland.

-Poland.

Poland. Do you know what they call...

...Dad here?

Anyway....

l guess he's harmless.

l'm terribly sorry.

ls that your leg?

l'm sorry!

l'm really sorry.

lt's my Christmas slippers on the ice.

They're from China.

-Found it.

-What?

The letter. The one l said.

From Maria Costa.

She asked for a Pocket-Puppy,

but she wants the blue one.

lt looks like her auntie's dog,

Biffo, that ran away.

l remember because she sent...

...a picture of Biffo. See?

-Child CG786K?

-Look, Arthur....

This was Greece, sir.

Five countries ago, sir.

l just want it to be perfect

for every kid.

Hey, there's Dad. Santa!

Maria Costa, Dad.

Did she get the blue one?!

Little bro, it's great to have you around.

You bring a genuine aura

of seasonal positivity.

Thanks, Steve.

But could you not be

in Mission Control...

...at all for the rest of the night?

Yeah.

-All right?

-l'll never walk...

Right.

Sorry if l....

Brilliant.

They should put him...

-...somewhere out of harm's way.

-What, like the South Pole?

Waker!

We have a waker!

And Santa's in there!

Code red.

Repeat:
code red.

Santa? Are you here?

Steve?

Hold on, Father.

lntel! Get me lntel!

Santa's head seems to be resting...

...on some sort of "try me" button, sir.

lt's the Quack Quack Moo

Activity Farm, sir.

lt features 12 separate animal sounds.

-Sings "Old MacDonald Had A Farm."

-The moment...

...your father lifts his head, there'll be

1 0 seconds of constant mooing.

Risk of mooing:
98 percent.

Captain Marino...

...you'll have to take the batteries out.

He'd have to get past...

...the wrapping, the box and 14 twist ties

anchoring it to the cardboard.

lt's too noisy!

lt'll wake the boy! He'll see Santa!

Remember 1 816...

...when Santa was seen.

They tracked him home.

He had to go into hiding.

No Christmas for six years.

The elves all alone!

The elves alone!

Calm, people!

lt's not 1 81 6 now.

Marino, your HOHO

is equipped with state-of-the-art...

...EMF sensor technology hacked directly

from the military's missile program.

l want you to locate the batteries...

...and perform a Level 3

giftwrap incision.

Go in through the robin.

lncising robin.

Big girl's blouse.

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