Arthur Newman Page #3

run away from, the things most

of us are just too bottled up to feel.

Now do I have to

have sex with you?

Because I really

don't want to.

It's all right, it's OK.

I can't get these sons

of b*tches out.

Will you help me, Arthur?

Use the brush.

No, the brush will hurt you.

I need to use my hands.

OK, go ahead.

Just be...

Careful, I know.

Did you have any

kids, Arthur?

I mean, did Wallace have kids?

No, none.

Arthur Newman world.

Yes, we have golf communities

all around the United States,

Let's check it out.

Come on, Arthur, these

are your peeps.

Come on, you can go now.

What's the matter?

I just feel a little dizzy.

I just...

I think I need...

You need a hot dog.

A pirate goes into

the bar, and the

bartender says, "Hey, buddy,

you got a steering wheel in

And the pirate says, "Aye.

driving me nuts. "

Did you ever win a trophy

like that, Arthur?

How many?

Like a few?

A lot?

A lot, a lot, or just a lot.

A lot, a lot, I guess.

How come such a hot

shot had to end up

working at a FedEx, then?

Arthur?

He's choking!

Arthur?

He's choking!

He's choking!

Another rough day for Wallace Avery.

He was an outstanding amateur

but can't seem to catch a

break since joining

the PGA Tour.

I know, Frank.

Looks like this once

promising player can't

handle the big time.

Right on cue.

Nice job, Larry!

I don't know if I can

pull this off, Mike.

Pull what off?

Arthur Newman.

Of course you can.

Just look at him.

Hey, you want to

shoot a little pool?

Oh, Jesus, you are hot.

Come here, sexy.

Oh, look what you have done.

You know, I have to say, Mike,

you really are an excellent mimic.

Mike is man.

I am Ludmilla.

Sh*t!

Oh!

Ow!

Times you did that.

Ludmilla!

No.

No!

Golf.

It's a mental game, a

mental component.

That was lacking.

Serious choking problem.

Sorry to hear he's

dead, though.

Yeah, really sorry.

You can almost see

Avery's mind hijack

his instincts.

It's hard to watch a guy get in

his own way over and over

again like this.

Just a mental train wreck.

Welcome to Terre Haute

Country Club.

Thank you.

Hello there, April.

We're looking for the owner,

Chuck Willoughby.

Unfortunately, Mr. Willoughby

has gone home for tonight, but

I could call him?

Don't bother, April.

We'll be back in the morning.

Do you want a dirty martini

with two olives?

I'll have a martini with four olives.

Four?

OK.

Should I, uh...

should I call you my wife,

my girlfriend, or my fiance?

Your whore.

There's something I'd like to

teach you to do for me, Mike.

Golf.

This...

this is a putter.

- Oh!

- It's for...

putting.

Now the most important thing

is a light touch, extremely

light touch on the club, like

you're holding a bird in the

palm of your hand.

Your were...

I mean, Wallace Avery...

were married, weren't you?

Now, just tuck... tuck your

fingers together like so.

What was she like, the wife?

There you go.

Good job!

She a golfer?

Did you teach her how to tuck

her fingers in, too?

Bend your knees a little.

Bend your knees.

Keep some spring in them.

Did you love her a lot, Arthur?

Why no kids, huh?

Is there something

wrong with you?

Will you stick to the

matter in hand?

What's the big deal?

I told you all about the

insanity in my family, so

what's a little infertility?

There's nothing wrong

with me, Mike.

Maybe you have extremely

weak sperm.

My sperm's fine, thank you.

You should probably get it tested.

I think Wallace Avery is in

serious denial about his...

I have a son.

All right?

There's nothing wrong with me.

Arthur, I...

Big whoop, you have a son.

Why is that such a big secret?

Arthur?

Uh...

Chuck.

Diamond Back.

Yes, it's actually me,

Arthur Newman.

We were told you went home.

We were getting soused at

a bar down the road.

Well, so were we.

Your wonderful bar.

By the way, this is

Michaela Fitzgerald.

Whore.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Remember that guy I told

you about, Gary?

The pro?

Diamond Back?

I'm going to hire him,

work here, remember?

Well, anyway, we're all systems

go, and then I Google

him and find out there's no such

f***ing pro ever worked

the Asian circuits called

Arthur Newman.

And here he is.

With a whore.

F***in' beautiful!

What am I going to do, Gary?

What am I going to do

with this liar?

Call the police?

I don't feel like talking

right now, Mike.

What are you watching?

The History Channel.

Do you want to sit down?

Sure.

I read that how you rate your

life questionnaire my dad

filled out.

You did?

Yeah.

You know, he didn't... he didn't

rate you very high.

Yeah, I know.

But you got a 10.

Guess that makes you happy.

He's full of sh*t.

You know that, right?

I mean, when I needed

him, I got zero.

And now that I don't give

a sh*t, I'm a 10?

I mean, f*** him.

Kevin His name's Kevin.

He's 13.

He was 6 when my wife left me.

She said I spend more time

with the cat than

I did with my kid.

Golf was the excuse.

If I'm honest,

the reason

I stayed away was...

You hear about that overpowering

rush of love a

parent feels for their kid?

Well, for me, it was...

You don't have to do this, Arthur.

I really don't need to know.

Drip, drip, drip.

I couldn't feel the big ones.

The stuff that runs deep,

I couldn't...

so when you ask is there

something wrong with me, yeah.

That was then.

Arthur, look at you now.

Do you miss Michaela?

No.

Think she misses you?

No.

Who takes care of her?

Nurses and doctors,

professionals, whatever.

I mean, who takes

care of her when

she's not in the hospital?

She's a grown woman.

She can take care of herself.

So it's obviously not you.

Me?

How am I supposed to take

care of a lunatic?

Look at me.

Practically certifiable myself.

Just look at me.

I'm looking at your back.

It's just an act, isn't it?

To avoid responsibility?

For yourself, for your sister.

For all the selfish things you do.

Shut the f*** up.

The elusive species that

I hope to get was

the oceanic white tip, which is

considered the fourth most

dangerous species of shark...

I think I'm going to go to bed now.

Of course.

- Good night.

- Good night.

This is your wakeup call, sir.

Checkout time is 11:00 AM.

Thank you. -Wake up, Mike.

I won't be checking out today.

Mr. Newman?

It's the police.

Please open the door.

Do you know a woman named

Charlotte Fitzgerald?

I'd just like to point out you

haven't read me my rights.

I'd like to be given the respect

due to a lawful citizen.

You're not under arrest,

Mr. Newman.

I'm not?

We just want to ask you some

questions about Miss.

Fitzgerald.

Is she...

something happen to her?

She's in jail.

What for?

Pick pocketing, down at the mall.

When we arrested her, we found

$29,000 and change in her

knapsack along with

other things.

She says it belongs to

you and she stole it.

Points for honesty, right?

Do you want to press charges?

I gave her the money.

Mr. Newman, no one gives a

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