Artists and Models Page #2

that behind those inviting red lips,

behind those purple boudoir eyes,

and behind that cleaving cleavage

lies a diabolical soul.

Zuba is trying to get away from Vincent

his secret power formula,

X34 minus 5R1 plus 6-X36.

Vincent is hit. He is hit.

Zuba fires her death-dealing,

atomic-atomising pivot gun.

The gore is oozing out of his tail.

Will Vincent the Vulture

ever live to fly back

to his homogenised space station

high above the Milky way?

Zuba!

And out in space,

Vincent pulls her close,

but Zuba fights against the embrace

of Vincent the Vulture.

She is allergic to his feathers.

Her teeth snarl, gleaming white.

He tears her clothes and exposes

her two big, round shoulders.

Vincent closes in on her.

Eugene. Eugene!

Get me a lawyer.

Oh.

Coming.

You'd better.

Oh.

- Oh, it's you, Mrs. Muldoon.

- It ain't Gina Lollobrigida.

Listen, Eugene, you've been flapping

your gums in your sleep again,

and my new tenant

in 4A is complaining.

Yeah, well, I'm awfully sorry,

Mrs. Muldoon, but I'll apologise to him.

He is a her.

She's a successful artist,

and you stay away from 4A.

I don't want her thinking

that she's moved into skid row.

You mean she's an artist

who makes money?

Paid her rent in advance.

Remember, any more noise, and you're

gonna be using the kerb for a pillow.

Oh, all right, Mrs. Muldoon, I'll watch it.

From now on, I'll sleep with Band-Aids

over my mouth. Band-Aids.

Band-Aids on my...

Successful artist.

Maybe if she saw

some of Rick's paintings...

There's someone at the door, Abby.

There's someone at the door.

What goes on at this place?

First the banshee downstairs,

and now something else.

I don't know how I let you

talk me into moving here.

Because it's Greenwich Village

and it's romantic.

Besides, my horoscope said

this is where I'd meet my true love.

Hold it. Finish this pose.

What'll I say now?

Good evening.

My name is Eugene Fullstack,

and I hear

you're a very successful artist.

And thought maybe that you could

meet my good friend Rick Todd,

who I believe is one

of the better painters.

And I thought if someone so successful

like you would talk to him,

you might just cheer him up.

You see, he's getting very discouraged

just hanging around.

So am I.

Good evening.

My mame is Eugene Fullstack,

and I thought...

Rick! Rick!

Rick! Rick! Rick!

Rick, I just saw the Bat Lady

upstairs, Rick! Wake up!

Honest, I saw her for real

on the fourth floor.

Rick, I'm trying to tell you something.

On the fourth floor...

- Help! Help! Police!

- Oh, I'm sorry. No, lady, don't yell.

- It's a mistake . No, lady, don't yell.

- Help!

- Help! Help! Police!

- No, lady, please.

- No yelling. Lady...

- Help! Help!

- I'm sorry, lady.

- Police! Help!

Help! Police!

The Bat Lady, the fat lady!

Rick! Rick!

Rick, Rick.

- Rick, I saw the Bat Lady uptairs.

- What?

- I saw the Bat Lady upstairs.

- Sure you did.

She made a three-points landing

on the roof. Sure.

No, I'm not kidding.

This is honest, really.

She's upstairs on the fourth floor.

Just take it easy.

Look, will you go back to sleep?

No, this is serious, Rick.

Honest, the Bat Lady scared me

and I ran into the fat lady.

What Bat Lady, fat lady?

What are you, crazy?

No, I'm not crazy. This really happened.

Let me explain.

You see, upstairs is the Bat Lady.

I ran up to the Bat Lady

and she scared me,

- so I ran downstairs to the fat lady.

- Sure.

She scared me

worse than the Bat Lady, see?

- Yeah, sure.

- I was running downstairs

- to tell you about the Bat Lady.

- Eugie.

But the Bat Lady caught me,

the Bat Lady scared me.

- The fat lady was downstairs.

- Eugie!

I ran downstairs

to tell you about the fat lady.

You're just having

one of your bad dreams.

Now, will you get back to sleep?

No, really. I saw her out in the hall.

She's got things

sticking out of her head.

She's a crazy-looking person.

Eugie, you got things

sticking in your head.

Now, look, we'll see.

Come on, I'll show you.

No, no, they're out there.

I'm telling you, I saw it.

- Come here.

- I'm telling you, Rick.

For real, there's someone out there.

I keep telling you.

All right. Be a brave boy.

Open the door and show me.

There's no one out there.

No, I'm scared, Rick.

Scared? I thought

you loved the Bat Lady.

I am, but I'm scared of the fat lady.

There's no fat lady, there's no Bat Lady.

Now open the door

so we can both go back to bed.

I told you she was out there.

- The Bat Lady?

- No, the fat lady.

Oh, you're flipping your butch.

I'll show you there's no one out there.

- She's out there.

- The Bat Lady?

No, the fat lady.

Abby.

Abby, look.

According to my chart, it's happened.

Tonight my moon is full

and square to Jupiter.

Uranus is square to Sagittarius,

Mars is square to Venus.

I saw him for the first time tonight.

He's the one, my true love.

Oh, Bessie, no.

That square's your true love?

- You tear up that horoscope.

- The stars don't lie.

- But isn't awful about our children?

- Your children?

Shouldn't you be introduced first?

Well, suppose they look like him?

Rent them out for Halloween.

He's not very handsome.

But he is kind of cute.

You know, the safe kind.

The safe kind? What's safe in pants?

Oh, the not-so-handsome kind.

They make the best husbands,

you know.

Other women don't want them.

Listen, the man that another woman

doesn't want doesn't exist.

Now, lights out, girl.

I've got an early appointment

with my publisher in the morning.

Suffering catfish!

You're supposed to be an artist

and a writer of children's stories.

Well, you're not an artist

and you're not a writer,

not by my wife's standards.

I knew I'd make the grade.

Sixty-two pages of drawings

and no blood?

Not even an itsy-bitsy nosebleed?

But, suffering catfish,

do you call this

a Murdock book for kiddies?

With no stranglings,

With no decapitation?

Where are they?

I must have lost my head,

because this is where I get off.

Now, wait a minute, Abigail.

Abigail, please.

Please, now, sit down. Relax.

Let me explain something to you, honey.

Now, come on. Now, listen.

Well, I'm a little bit on the edgy-wedgy

this morning.

My wife's been giving me the knife.

And if sales don't pick up,

she's gonna give me the ax.

You wouldn't want old Murdie boy

out of a job, now, would you?

I'm not Cupid, Mr. Murdock.

If you can't wear the pants

in your family...

The pants?

The pants!

Since Edith and I are separated,

it's a wonder I've got my striped shorts.

Look at the competition

we're getting in television.

You realise, Abigail, night before last,

I counted 13 murders, four stabbings,

nine suffocations and six poisonings

on two channels in one hour.

And another thing...

Just you think of this, girl.

When they're able to show that blood,

that red blood gushing out

of open wounds in spectacular colour...

And they'll get it free,

right into their living rooms there,

free, right into their living rooms,

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