As Cool as I Am Page #5

I'm way more mature than that,

and not such a detestable chicken-sh*t.

How you feeling?

Like I'm covered in cold ants and

I wanna puke through my eyes.

I can't believe you have the

flu on your birthday.

Yeah...

- rotten luck, huh?

- Wanna open dad's first?

Yeah.

Wow. Life-time achievement award

for worst present ever.

I think they're adorable.

- Is that from Kenny?

- Yeah.

Oh, those are pretty bottles.

It's olive oil.

Mmm...

Must be good stuff.

It's really, really good.

Something smells great!

Oh... It's just chicken.

I didn't have time to plan

anything more elaborate.

Oh, I didn't know you were

fixing anything.

- It's my birthday!

- I'm so sorry. I... I...

I just thought that we would go out

together when you were feeling better.

You know, I'll...

I'll sit with you while you eat.

Hey mom! You don't have to.

- No, I'm gonna call and cancel. This is-

- Mom...

Honestly, that would just

make it worse.

I'm fine.

So with this dish,

I recommend a delicate, dry

white wine from the Friuli

or from the Veneto.

My favorite is Pinot Grigio,

redolent with the greenness

in the hills of the eastern side

of the Friulian mountains.

If I hadn't had sex with Kenny...

If I had been more strict with Mom...

If I had made it clear to Dad

that we need him here...

If I hadn't been such a

stupid, drunken dumbass who

didn't even consider something

hideous could happen...

...and you sprinkle with just a

little bit of toasted sliced almonds.

Hey, I got your postcard.

Yeah, well, just because

I send you a postcard everyday

doesn't mean I think

about you all the time.

- That would be blatantly pathetic.

- Yeah... yeah, even for me.

I had this dream where

we were at the jungle gym.

Wait, I'm confused.

I thought that was real life.

No, no... listen.

In the dream, we started at the jungle

gym, and we walked in opposite

directions until we met on the

other side of the world.

And then I thanked you for

- always having my back.

- Yeah...?

Shut up!

You know what we should do this

summer? There's an Italian class

at the library and it's free and we

could both take it and we could...

It's just my dad

already signed me up

for summer classes

at the college here.

That's stupid.

But, hey, there's a week right

before school starts again and...

- What? Before school starts?

- Well, it wasn't my idea, okay?

Kenny, you're kidding me?

You're telling me I'm not gonna

- see you all summer. That's crazy!

- Lucy! Lucy... Lucy...

Hey! I...

Okay, I imagine you think you're

being devoted and persistent

- but this is known as stalking.

- Okay, I promise...

I will leave you alone.

Oh, so you're stalking me just to

promise to leave me alone this summer?

Please just let me

say one thing, okay?

I- I have been... I've been doing

a lot of thinking lately...

Oh, it's too late to start thinking.

Just stick to mindlessly

following your peer group.

- Yeah, about that peer group thing...

- Yo... incoming!

Whoa-ho! Hard-core move there, dude.

Oh, it's gonna

be like that, huh?

- All right!

- I feel like I need to make

amends for my part in that.

Always picking on my rebounds,

huh... Timmy boy.

Damn. Way to step up, Tim.

- Justin, you just got dissed!

- Hey, you and me...

Hey, um, I'm going fishing. Do you think

you might want to come along?

I only just stopped thinking

of you as a heinous a**hole.

Okay, it's just fishing.

It's to celebrate

the end of the school year. And to

show you I'm not a heinous a**hole.

It doesn't mean anything.

Okay, maybe!

Well, you know when Mario Batali

was our age, he was living in Spain.

I live in a region that's famous

for it's chicken fried steak.

I'm so far behind in my life.

You know I read that, uh, women who

have had more than one sexual partner

are later more content

in their marriages.

Wow, that's statistically really

romantic of you, Mr. Out of Leftfield.

You know if you ever do decide

to hook up with someone else,

just don't tell me about it, okay.

I mean... I...

I have a really visual imagination. I

don't need those pictures in my head.

You're telling me,

you want me to lie to you?

Yes, please. Lie your ass off.

Just be convincing.

I should warn ya',

I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy.

You like to wear tighty-whities and

listen to Bob Seger and ZZ Top?

No... I mean, I believe in goin' slow.

- You mean with sex?

- Yeah.

No, I just think... you know...

real intimacy is physical

and emotional, right?

I just... I feel like I need to

really know someone before we can...

Kiss?

No, kissing would be okay.

But not the full on horizontal bop?

Aw, now you're making fun of me.

- No, no, no, I'm serious.

- No, no... you're making fun of me.

You have no idea how cool

I think that is.

It's cool.

I get all the love songs now, they didn't

use to make sense to me before!

He's married, isn't he?

Why do you say things like that?

I hate that you're right all the time.

I'm a complete pessimist so

the odds are always with me.

Why do people stay together?

In bad relationships, I mean.

They eat so much sh*t for so long,

they don't even recognize

the taste of it after a while.

So you think I've been eating sh*t,

don't you?

- Lucy, wait!

- No, it's okay. I want to.

Do they have to be oyster mushrooms?

How do you tell which ones

are the oyster mushrooms?

Like a lightish-brown,

kind of fan shaped.

Stop.

Wait, I'm gonna ask somebody.

Oh!

Never mind, I'll be home

in a little bit.

Sh*t, sh*t! Quickly, quickly!

Hey, kiddo!

What you want? Is

this your favorite?

- Is that your favorite?

- Yeah!

Quick, quick! Put your jeans on!

Um!

Um...

Come on! Get in there! Get in there! Ah!

Hello... hello?

Anyone here?

Lucy?

- Hello?

- Bob?

Hey! I'm with the family now.

Is that your estranged wife that you

have your arm around right now?

The one you can't stand to touch?

Um... er, uh...

- Please leave, please, please please...

- Lainee!

Jeff? Is that... is that you?

Just because we didn't have sex

does not mean you weren't cheating.

You should know that, you're being

unfaithful to everyone around you.

Lainee!

Dad, it's just me.

Lucy...

I'm coming over there

if you keep this up.

Look, uh, no don't! Look, I'll just...

lemme go to the...

Mr. Diamond... I'm Tim, I'm sorry that

we had to meet this way

Just one second.

Dad!

Tim, will you stop!

Daddy!

- Listen, don't make a scene.

- No, you made a scene! This is entirely

and completely your "old-fashioned

guy" kind of scene!

Hey, sweet-sweetie,

look I got you these.

Why don't you go put that in the...

in the cart with Mommy, huh?

We love each other.

We're going to get married.

No, we do not. We are not... just go!

Daddy... daddy, are you okay?

And Saint Agatha was forced into a brothel,

but no man... could, y' know... enter her.

Those who even dared to touch

her got sick and died.

She was thrown into the

prison and tortured.

Her breasts were crushed

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