Ashby Page #5

or embarrassing, humiliating, weird.

Very sweet.

I'm sorry, Mom. Just, you know...

These things happen.

Hello.

Hi, Jerry.

I am. I...

Yes, I would love to.

I'll see you then.

Buh-bye.

Wow. One door closes, huh?

I think he's nice.

You okay?

How's Ashby?

Ed?

You're not like an a**hole who's

touching my son's privates, are you?

No, I'm not.

You're a good guy, right? I mean...

Just...

Don't let him down.

Who the hell can promise that?

What're you doing?

- What were you doing over there?

- I thought something was wrong.

I... He's...

- He's not touching you, is he?

- Jesus Christ, Mom!

No, he's not touching me.

Stay out of my life, okay?

I stay out of your...

Sexcapades.

My sexcapades?

- Yeah.

- What is that?

Is that...

Wait, I'm a slut, is that what you think?

No. No, no.

I'm not saying that you're a slut.

I go on dates, Ed.

I'd like to find love, if that's all right.

And if I have to

kiss a lot of frogs to do it...

Okay, but do you have to f*** 'em?

I like sex.

Okay, Mom. That's enough. Thank you.

No, it's not enough.

I'm not done with you.

I'm a sexual being.

I enjoy having sex.

They're a**holes, Mom.

They're a**holes.

None of them deserve you.

Okay? They don't deserve you.

I know. But, I...

Mom, they don't.

I don't see how you don't see it.

- I do see that.

- You don't see it.

I've got to try.

I'm also going inside.

This is awkward.

I start here, right?

Two.

Set. Hut!

- Come on! Give me the ball.

- Give it to him. Give it to him!

- Really?

- He's just a pansy, man.

Catch the ball

and then turn it up the field!

- Get in the game!

- What are you lookin' at us for?

Catch the ball, take the hit!

Mistakes.

Mistakes.

All I saw out there were mistakes!

These men on the walls

are wondering why

I dressed you heartless cockroaches

in the uniform of greats!

So, stop making mistakes!

Where're your hearts, huh?

Playing afraid out there!

Coach Wally, I think

we need some tests.

Piss tests.

Fat tests.

Tests to see

who here has grown a vagina.

I can look at a man's piss

and know who he is. Give me that.

Too fat, Coach Wally.

Milk thistle, eggs, and plankton.

Come on. Next!

Look at your piss.

Needs vinegar. Coach!

Vinegar and lemon.

Spicy. But, thank you.

It's a neurolinguistic thing.

Just think coconuts,

and it'll taste like coconuts.

I can cure polio with my mind too,

if I just focus hard enough.

- Are you coming?

- Where to?

Weird chick wants to take a look at

our brains, or so she says.

Let's go.

You guys are getting

the butter battered out of you.

So, I thought now would be a good time

to get an interim look at your heads.

Check the damage, compare with

pre-season, etcetera, etcetera.

So, who wants to go first?

F*** it. I will.

Lord knows, I hate sloppy-seconds.

Okay, just lay down on that table.

Cool. Just take your top off.

- I'm an A-cup.

- I'll be the judge of that.

Hey Smits. What is he doing?

It's just fun. Relax.

You know, I'm kinda thinking

she must be friends with all of us guys,

always hanging around videotaping us,

getting off on it later on,

right, sweetheart?

How about those A-cups?

Fine!

What're you gonna do? Rape me?

Go ahead, and then we can

use your brain scans

to see what a sociopath looks like.

So, on the table then?

Buddy, you're the best.

Buddy, you're the best.

Buddy, you're the best.

Buddy, you're the best.

Buddy, you're the best.

Buddy, you're the be...

Hi, again.

- Hi.

- Hey, sweetie.

Jerry...

I'd really like to know your intentions.

- What?

- Ed, honey...

Consider the weirdness of

what you're doing.

My Mom's had a really rough time.

And my Dad, he was an a**hole.

And I just really don't want

that to happen again.

So, I'd just like

to know your intentions, 'cause...

My Mom...

She's not a good-time Gussie.

Good-time Gussie?

Ed... Don't worry about it.

No, no. It's okay.

Well, I was waiting for...

I didn't wanna rush anything.

I know, she's dating other people.

But, I'm falling for...

I have fallen for your Mom.

- You have?

- I was planning to tell you on a picnic.

- Does that freak you out?

- No, I love picnics.

I should go.

- See ya.

- Bye, sweetie.

- So... What do you eat on picnics?

- Sandwiches.

Hey, Ashby.

Ashby!

You okay?

Hey.

Look up. You all right?

Oh, my God.

You're not pissed at me, anymore?

Are you okay?

Do you need to get up? Here.

I want...

I'm hungry. I want...

I want pancakes at...

Diamond Diner Inn.

Okay.

What happened?

F***ers keep losing.

It's been pointed out.

You look miserable when you play.

You look like, you're...

You're afraid of getting hit.

You came and watched me play?

Go, wait in the car. I'm gonna

go get my pills. We'll take a ride.

Feel free to clean up this mess.

Hey.

I'm sorry about what I said

about your daughter.

Well, you were wrong anyway.

It was Spain. I was in Spain.

You know, when she was...

When she was 19, she was...

She was troubled.

She...

She couldn't find her place.

Years and time went by,

she just needed me to hold her hand.

You know, like when she was little.

You know, she used to...

Just hold on to my hand

and she'd grip it really tight.

And she looked at me with,

with them, with them eyes that...

That thanked me for

knowing how to keep her safe.

Maybe she

looked around for me like that,

and I wasn't there.

I was off in South America and

Panama, Nicaragua, you know,

doing my thing.

Putting a bullet in a man's head.

Is that why you wanna

get to heaven so bad?

I have to see her. I have to...

I have to make it right.

But she's, she's not my girlfriend, okay?

She's just...

It's, it's ambiguous, but even so,

it's turned into a f***ing disaster.

I can't believe we came to Washington

for pancakes.

- Pretty damn good?

- Yeah, pretty good.

Know what?

- I know what your problem is.

- You do? What do I do?

Well, first of all, you gotta stop bitching

like a damn sheep on crystal meth

and you have to just ask yourself

how come I can't grow a set of balls

and behave like a man?

You missed me, didn't you?

You have a very '50s view

of the world, okay?

It's not all about having balls. All right?

And if it was, I have balls.

I got big balls.

Always gloating, this young man.

I've just made some strategic decisions

that didn't work out.

Strategic decisions?

Yeah, like, in the way that I have

handled the Eloise situation.

Like, if it'd gone any further with her,

I would've stepped in for sure.

I know it.

- I think, maybe, you wanna think so.

- No, it is true.

They're my teammates, okay?

We need unity, we're a team,

and we're in a difficult place.

And Eloise, she just always makes it

about them or me with her,

and that's a difficult bind to put a guy...

What are you doing? What is this?

- What are you doing?

- What is this?

- This is a pancake.

- This is a pancake.

This is a...

I thought, maybe, you're gonna

convince me it was a chicken.

Here's the deal.

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