Assassination of a High School President Page #2

So, what are you doing in the men's room?

Well, l thought l might find a man in here.

Are you a man, Funke?

l'm just screwing with you.

l just need your help.

With what?

Whoever stole the SATs.

l need you to find them and get them back.

l aced that thing, l know it.

l was just in the zone.

Do you know what "mastication" means?

- No.

- Me, neither. But in that moment, l did.

lt was perfect. l need you to find those tests.

Why me?

l don't know,

l've got a feeling about you, Funke.

This stuff's right up your alley.

So do you have any idea

who might have taken the SATs?

We took the SATs?

l didn't. l didn't.

Did you take them?

No, l didn't take them.

Everyone was in the classrooms.

That's what all the commotion was about.

Okay, where were you last night?

That's where l was last night.

Hey, Funke. Funke, want a gumball?

lt's good. lt's soft. lt's sweet.

l'm not falling for the gumball trick, Cipriato,

so you can put your ballbag

back in your pants.

What's it like sucking on

another man's fingers?

What's it like stealing the SATs?

l asked you first.

- Where were you that night?

- What do you care?

l'm writing your biography.

Fine, let me copy off you

and l'll tell you.

Fine.

l was at the Park Arms with my nana,

playing bingo.

l got 30 f***ing geriatrics

that can back that up.

l'm touched, Cipriato.

Not a word, Funke.

After tailing Landis, I discovered

her secret life outside of school

She opened up, once I promised

to keep her ice-capades under wraps

l don't know who took them, Nancy Drew,

but l do know it happened during the game.

l was out in the parking lot last night

and l saw some flashlight

bounce around in Kirkpatrick's office.

What were you doing in the parking lot?

l was probably getting fingered

by Dutch Middleton.

Okay. Thanks, Landis.

Long time no see, Rocky.

Weekends and holidays, man.

- Thanks.

- Did you do it?

No. You?

l wish. Those tests are the tool

of the racist bourgeoisie.

Back to your cage, butt-boy.

Last night? No, man.

l got picked up for possession,

spent the night in holding.

lt's the creepy. You know.

l was f***ed up.

That's some alibi.

F*** it, f*** it. Hold this.

This is my jam, man.

None of these bad apples

had stolen the tests

Their alibis were like Dutch ovens

Gamey, but airtight

Maybe I was looking at it all wrong

Maybe a good kid was behind it

What scares you, Funke?

You know what scares me? lnjustice.

You know why? Because it's everywhere.

You think l don't see Cipriato

behind me jerking off right now?

He's a dead man. l'll deal with him.

But the thing about fighting injustice

is choosing your battles wisely.

And my battle right now is to find out

where are my missing SATs.

Now, l don't know your involvement

in all this, Funke,

but l'm watching you.

l got both eyes open and they're on you.

- You read me?

- Yes. Yes.

You bleed, Funke. We all bleed.

Thank you, sir.

Tad, am l going to get my story

on the girls' bowling team any time soon?

Get off my f***ing back, Clara!

Nobody gives two shits about girls' bowling.

l give two shits, okay?

How many more shits

do l need to get a story from you, Tad?

And Bobby?

Yeah?

Where's my story on Paul Moore?

Paul was a good kid

Maybe his bum knee wasn't so bad

Maybe my puff piece was no pastry

lt's on its way.

So how long...

So how did Paul's knee look that night?

Okay. Why?

Well, because, Nurse Platt, Paul injured it.

That's why they brought him here.

l thought he had diarrhea.

But he was limping,

so l guess he did hurt his little stem.

Yeah.

Okay.

So were you... Were you here with him

in the office the whole time?

Yeah.

Well, except l got hungry, and Paul

said l should get something to eat.

His treat.

So, l went across the street and got a gyro

at that Greek place, Little Spyros.

Have you ever been there? lt's so good.

Do you mean to tell me

that Paul was alone in here?

l mean, so good.

How long did you leave Paul

on his own that night?

Hey, D.

When l go get Greek food,

how long does it take me?

About 20 minutes. You know, more or less.

Hey, what's up, Frankie?

Look, just get me the sandwich.

Yeah, l want a foot-long

spicy ltalian sausage.

That's right. Yeah. l got one and l want one.

Yeah, see that's a double-entendre.

Yeah. That's right.

l coached English for two seasons.

l got to go. l got to go.

All right, so where were we?

Paul Moore's college prospects.

You know, grades have never been

Paul's strong suit.

But, you know, if he wants to go lvy,

he'll get in.

Believe me,

that boy will do whatever it takes to win.

That's PMW. That is the Paul Moore way.

P-Moore! P-Moore!

The coach gave me Paul's motive

The nurse, opportunity

My gut said I had my guy

But on the way home, I realized I needed

an inside source to back it all up

I also needed to get my license

Lately me and the DMV

weren't seeing eye-to-eye

And when parking along a curb

on an uphill slope,

we turn our wheels to the... Nope.

And when there's a yellow light,

we approach the intersection at a nice...

Nope.

And when we come to an object

in the road, like a dog, we...

Nope.

I was looking for corroboration on my story

Woodward and Bernstein

had their Deep Throat

I needed mine

Fortunately, I knew just the girl

She sounded hesitant on the phone,

but told me where I could find her

Hey, Chrissy?

l'm a friend of your brother Paul.

No. No, you're not.

How do you know?

Okay.

Well, has Paul ever taken you

to one of his games before?

You're a high-schooler

and you don't have a car?

Why don't you have a car?

That's irrelevant, Chrissy.

l want a unicorn.

Neat.

You know, when l was your age,

l wanted a pet giraffe.

Giraffes suck. Get me a unicorn,

and l'll tell you so many secrets about Paul.

Very secret secrets.

Here's the thing, Chrissy,

unicorns don't actually exist.

A stuffed-animal unicorn, doofus!

Chrissy Moore was one unicorn well spent

After she filled in the blanks,

my story was right there in front of me

But I still had no solid proof

Were my hunches enough

to write the article?

F*** it Woodward and Bernstein

Hey, l won't tell you again, Ongatumamwe!

This is P-Moore's shampoo!

l've got enough clout around here

to get your ass deported for less.

You fellows here for the cockfight?

This story's going to start, like,

a frigging coup d'etat on this b*tch.

Thanks, man. l like your dreads.

Thanks.

l didn't do anything. l didn't do anything.

This is crazy. l didn't do anything.

Hey, l'm the president.

l'm the president. l'm Paul Moore.

l'm Paul Moore.

l didn't do any... l didn't do anything.

lt's all right. l didn't do anything.

Don't worry.

- Open it up.

- l didn't do...

Open it up.

l don't... l don't know where those...

l don't know what those are.

Those aren't Paul Moore's!

l don't...

l don't know how those got...

Let's go.

Come on, Paul. Don't fight it.

This is crazy. l'm a patsy! l'm a patsy!

"But in the end Paul Moore kept his promise.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes