Assassination of a High School President Page #3

"He did whatever it took to get the job done.

"Even the unthinkable.

PMW. The Paul Moore way."

The name's Bobby Funke.

l write for the paper.

So l just want everyone to know

that l'm submitting this article

to the Northwestern people

with my highest recommendation.

l wanted to thank you for finding the SATs.

And for showing me

what a douche Paul really is.

See, the thing is, l seem to have lost

my date to homecoming,

and l wanted to know if you'd go with me.

You want to go to homecoming with me?

Well, not like "go" go.

- l mean, not like for real.

- Yeah.

lt's just everyone already has a date.

- Right.

- Except for the mathletes

and maybe that wrestler

with the jock itch on his face.

So yeah...

The only person l can go with is you.

l still don't see why you wanna go with me.

Yeah, why not? l mean,

you're like the school's Wolf Blitzer now.

Wolf Blitzer's like a TV reporter.

l'm into Woodward and Bernstein.

You already have a date?

What? No. l just...

Great. Then you can pick me up at 8:00.

And no wrist corsages.

Get the kind with the pin.

l don't mind a little prick

every once in a while.

St. Donovan's, good morning.

This is your principal, Mr. Kirkpatrick.

As you know, there's been

a regime change here at the school,

and your new president,

- Marlon Paizza, is gonna say a few words...

- Piazza.

- What?

- Marlon Piazza.

-What's that? Italian?

-I think so

Marlon Piazza is going to say

a few words to you Stand by

You're on the air. No effing around, huh?

Thank you, sir. Fellow students,

this has been a difficult time for all of us.

But do not lose faith in this institution,

because from great tragedy

comes great triumph

Let me be the first to say

that the actions of your ex-president

lt's open.

Hey, Marlon.

So is it true that she got

a perfect score on her SATs?

Yeah, her freshman year.

l'll let you play with her tits for 20 bucks.

Hey, Funke. You're good.

lt's a nice place you got here.

Have a good look while you can.

l doubt you'll be coming by again.

l guess that l should congratulate you

on your new presidency.

lsn't it funny how someone can be

your average cakewalk VP one day

and then head of the school the next?

Yeah. lt's like how someone

can be the school joke one day

and then go to homecoming with

the hottest girl at St. Donovan's the next.

She's, like, your half-sister, right?

Step-sister.

Hey, Funke.

Hey, Francesca.

Wow, you look awesome.

Thanks.

You look pretty good yourself.

Like your shoes.

She doesn't have to go

to the hospital again, does she?

ls your car out front?

Well, it's such a nice night,

l thought that we could walk.

Sorry about that. l just can't seem

to get away from my friends sometimes.

Yeah. l know what you mean.

You still want that dance?

Quantum physics is bullshit!

Yeah. You don't know

what is inside of a black hole

because, you know, stuff goes in

but nothing comes out.

Just like Laura Hoffner's box.

You think l'm a b*tch, don't you?

l mean, you can be honest.

l don't care either way.

l'm just curious. Do you think l'm a b*tch?

- Kind of.

- Seriously?

Well, l mean, no.

Like l thought you were, but... And then...

l don't know. Now, l think that maybe

you're just misunderstood.

Nobody's misunderstood.

That's just what people say

when they don't like who they are.

lf you think l'm a b*tch,

then l guess it's because l am.

But then l guess you're going to have

to come to terms

with the fact

that you're into a girl who's a b*tch.

Well, how do you feel

about newspaper dorks?

l'll let you know when l see one.

Great. You know, l better go get Marlon

before Kirkpatrick castrates him.

Thanks for the dance, Funke.

Dude, l think that chick just winked at me.

She's not bad.

Yeah, for a pirate.

l'm going to go spit in the punch.

Hey, you light on your feet, Funke.

That's good.

- Thanks.

- But we notice

you having a problem out there.

- l do? What?

- lt's your hard-on.

Yeah, that close to a girl like her,

it's natural.

l didn't realize it was so obvious.

What you're gonna wanna do,

okay, is you tuck that thing

into the side of your boxer shorts,

so it runs down the leg.

That way you can contain it.

lt's like getting a stiff rod

when you're taking a dump.

A sh*t boner.

Yeah. Then you got to jam it into the bowl

like it owes you money.

But you don't want to dunk it.

lt's not a clown. Down!

But you also don't want to

get the peepee on your shirt.

lt's a no-win situation.

At ease, gentlemen. Erections or otherwise.

l remember similar conversations

with my men

when we were tracking the towel-heads

to their tariqs

Pitch-black little spider holes

no wider than a hula hoop.

Like the Charlotte, the web.

Do you understand what he's saying?

Fear, Mr. Delacruz.

That's what l'm talking about. Fear.

Fear is the middle name of war,

Mr. Delacruz.

l learned that in the Storm.

What is the Storm, sir?

Two hundred and thirteen days in country.

Terrible heat.

The sound of mortar fire day and night

ringing in your ears.

The occasional dog exploding.

But l used to lead men.

Men that reminded me of you, Mr. Funke.

On your feet, son.

l want to thank you for your help

in getting those SATs back.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

- l'm sorry for being such a jerk-off.

- lt's okay.

lf l ever catch you chewing that in class,

l'll kill you.

- You read me?

- Like Cliff Notes, sir.

Good. Go out there and have a good time.

How's it feel?

Like l just got punched in the mouth.

My life is over now, dick!

l didn't steal those SATs!

Then where were you

between 7:
45 and 8:10 that night?

Who the hell do you think you are?

lnspector Gadget?

You really think l'd chance

everything for a test score?

l'd already gotten into Cornell.

Well, then why did you take

the SATs again?

l just wanted to see if l could do better.

Man, you wouldn't know the truth

if it was staring you in the face.

Hello, Cornell Goodbye, motive

I still thought Paul was an a**hole,

but maybe he wasn't the kind of a**hole

who'd steal the SATs

That sting wasn't my mouth

I was starting to doubt my story

Well done, Bobby.

You got into the Northwestern program.

Wait, one more thing.

Some grad student by the name of

Striedel will be in contact

to fact-check the article.

lt's just a formality.

You're on your way.

Sure I was on my way To the gallows

If I didn't set the story straight

before the fact-checker

found something crooked,

Northwestern would go south

And then I'd be blacklisted

from every paper

and college journalism program

in the country

In-school suspension

Cruel and unusual punishment

reserved solely for dangerous offenders

Rocky was on permanent lockdown

for doing a custom paint job

on Kirkpatrick's car

l'm going to need five minutes with Moore.

You got three.

Aren't you supposed to be in homeroom?

Maybe l got to thinking.

Maybe you should have done that sooner.

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