Assassination of a High School President Page #7

pull one over on old Ben Striedel?

Did you?

Because that's wholesale crazy, chief!

I have a 175 IQ

That means I skipped the third grade

You don't understand, Striedel.

l was framed.

The school treasurer is moving

money around to sell drugs.

That's rich Now you're going to

frame the treasurer?

Is the class secretary next?

What's the money got to do

with stolen SATs?

Nothing.

They're two completely separate things.

Let me give you a freebie, kid

Money's got something

to do with everything

That's Investigative Journalism 101

Follow the money, dipshit

You got till Monday to give me the truth

l'm gonna call a time out.

Time out?

That was good.

l-3.

lt's a hit! F***!

l told you putting it in there was a bad idea.

Really, Stinky Landy?

l put it where you wanna put it.

That's nice. ls it new?

No, it's my mom's.

Well, connect the dots.

l told you not to line up the ships like that.

lt's like Pearl Harbor.

Could you guys please

just use your library voices.

Sorry, l'm just trying to think.

You can't let Goltz get

one up on you, Funke.

That guy is an enormous vagina.

Connect the dots

Connect them, come here

What are you looking at, Funke?

Funke, where you go?

These four walls.

You just stay, bounce... Like a pinball.

That's it. You can't run.

Hey, hall monitor!

Francesca?

Francesca?

Francesca?

Mathematically, it's a percentage of your life

Four years, 48 months, 1, 461 days

High school is prom, football games,

boyfriends, girlfriends,

party at the rich kid's house

Fun, simple, wholesome

But it's really anything but

High school might be

the least wholesome four years of your life

And there's nothing simple about it

High school is ugly, hard and complicated

As complicated as a conspiracy

to assassinate the president

A conspiracy about to be uncovered

Alex Schneider and the Mullen brothers

had been selling prescription drugs

since their sophomore year

The Mullens' dad was an orthopedist

with a habit of boning his patients

When he split with one of them,

the hip doctor left his family his van

and a box of prescription pads

The brothers made due

with their inheritance

But the Mullens weren't competent enough

to run things on their own

Yo, sh*t biscuit!

These bottles aren't going to fill themselves.

Initially, the market for

academic performance enhancers

wasn't as ripe as they'd hoped

So like good businessmen,

they created a demand

They sabotaged tests throughout the school,

targeting the students

they knew would fold from the pressure

If you erase enough bubbles,

you can erase a kid's future

Supply and demand, son.

Business boomed

So much so that they started

dipping into student council funds

to use as venture capital

P Moore wasn't exactly Alan Greenspan,

but it didn't take

an economic genius to figure out

that hundreds of dollars

were being shifted around weekly

Paul told Marlon what he'd discovered,

said he was going to put the kibosh

on Alex's creative accounting

Marlon couldn't have that

Things were too good He had big plans

and the president was in the way

He needed Paul out of the picture

What's going on, guys?

Funke...

You just don't know when to quit, do you?

Guess not. Gum?

Changing the answers on the SATs

so you can sell more drugs.

lt's clever, Marlon.

Twisted, but clever nonetheless.

Should make for a great story.

Bad move, Funke.

Open that window and bring him over.

Okay, here's the real story.

Bobby Funke made a few bad decisions,

lost his girlfriend,

and up and jumped out the window.

Just another tormented freshman.

l'm a sophomore, dick!

Throw his ass out.

- You won't do it.

- l won't?

These sorts of things happen all the time.

There's a lot of pressure

here at St. Donovan's!

Throw him out!

Fine, l'll do it myself.

Hey! Let him go!

Put him down! Delicately.

How the hell did they know you were here?

l might have made an announcement.

Funke.

Bob Woodward once said

that the first rule of good journalism

is never reveal the story

before it goes to print

But Woodward wasn't in love

with Francesca Fachini

Before I cleared my name with the school,

I had to clear it with her

I had to tell her I'd figured it all out

Turns out, I hadn't

You played me, Francesca

You played Paul

You played the whole damn school.

Look out! Look out! Look out!

l need everybody to file out of this office.

Everybody except you five.

The five of you are in big f***ing trouble!

Stay right here, get out of my way!

You, too, bonehead.

You'll never understand why l did it.

Nobody's misunderstood, Francesca.

lt's just what people say

when they don't like who they are.

Bobby, wait.

Forget it, Funke. lt's high school.

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