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Assassination of a High School President Page #6
- That's very good of you, Mr. Funke.
l know.
The Mullens' van Grass, gas or ass
Nobody rode for free
What were the good brothers
doing up so early?
You know, l think l'm just going
to parallel-park here.
l was just going to have you
do that back at the DMV lot.
Yeah, l know but this
is such a challenging spot.
For me, it's all about the aesthetic.
- The aesthetic?
- Yeah.
Well, l must say, Mr. Funke,
that was some mighty fine parking.
Yeah, that was pretty good, wasn't it?
Two pharmacies in five minutes
That must've been some case of crabs
Well, l never thought l'd see the day,
but l'd say you're about to
get yourself a driver's license.
- Really?
- Really.
It was my license or the scoop
My freedom or the truth
Woodward and Bernstein.
Woodward and Bernstein.
All you have to do is get me back
to the DMV in one piece...
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Put your foot on that brake. Come on!
Stop the car!
Put your foot on the brake!
What are you doing?
Four pharmacies
and a dozen traffic violations later,
Alex Schneider and the Mullens
So l guess l'll see you next month.
- Get the f*** out.
- Fair enough.
My driver's test
had posed some new questions
Fortunately, I knew just the people
to help me find the answers
This is going to cost you, you know?
What's going on, Landis?
You're not supposed to do that
unless there's a fire.
Can't you see the fire, lamb chop?
lt's in my heart.
And it's burning for you.
Where'd you get all those keys?
- l'm sleeping with the janitor.
- Seriously?
Later, Funke.
I didn't know what I was looking for exactly
But so far,
every clue had one common denominator
The student council
See, man, cut it, cut it. Look...
- What's up?
- Dude, we're gonna need some beers, man,
because l'm not feeling it
unless l got my rhyme sauce.
And make sure it's cold.
Yo, yo, yo. Get me some antacid, too,
while you're at it.
l got mad indigestion, bro.
- Let's do this sh*t.
- Okay. No, no, no.
You guys sound really good in there.
Jesus, Funke!
What the hell are you doing in my car!
Student council treasury ledger.
lt's a real page-turner, isn't it?
Money disappears and then reappears.
Schneider is a regular Houdini.
l don't know
what you're talking about, Funke.
Sure you do, Marty.
But maybe it's time for you to come clean.
Become your own man.
You know what, Funke? You're right.
Try not to get blood on the carpet.
My mom will get pissed.
Francesca, hey, pick up.
l need to talk to you about Paul.
Did he ever mention anything about
Schneider or the Mullens
having a drug problem?
Anyway, l'll try you again later.
Okay. l love you.
l mean, l love hanging out with you.
Oh, Gertrude
My anaconda is sore and it needs a massage
I love you
Hey, what's going on?
Didn't you hear?
No.
Here, here, breathe that in, Funke.
The big news was that everyone
had to retake the SATs
The stolen tests had been nullified
under suspicion of tampering
But I had my own suspicions to follow
I needed to stay on their tail
I needed evidence I needed photos
I needed
Hey, stinky.
l think you need to come home with me.
You know, l'm concerned about the lack
of parental supervision at your house.
Yeah? You want to be my daddy?
ls that a good look?
You're like a cool dinosaur.
l can't see anything right now.
l'm totally blind.
Paul, the Northwestern program
Suddenly none of it seemed to matter
The hole in my side, the one
that always kept me hungry, was gone
Guess that meant I was happy
You shouldn't have done that.
"Funke, frosh,
steals tests and pins it on the prez
"for a bid at Fran's hand"
Son of a b*tch!
One thing was clear,
Tad Goltz couldn't write for sh*t
- What the hell is this!
- You tell me.
There's no way that story checks out!
Schneider has been cooking the books!
What does that have to do with Paul Moore?
Nothing, but maybe Moore had nothing to do
with the SATs
- in the first place.
- Bobby, just stop.
And l thought that you were
one of the few kids in school
that didn't need to be popular.
l'm recommending that Tad
get your summer scholarship.
What?
l'm late for AP English.
Smooth move, Doctor Love.
You actually think
l went to all the trouble of stealing
the SATs just so l could go out
with Francesca?
l would.
Francesca and l are in love, Cipriato.
Maybe that's something
you can't emotionally comprehend yet.
A**hole!
Francesca. Francesca, it's not true.
Goltz is full of sh*t!
Did Paul steal them or not?
Well, l don't think so, but that's not...
l trusted you, Funke.
This is bigger than me and you. Okay?
This is bigger than Paul Moore. This is...
Francesca.
Francesca, look,
you got to believe me, okay?
Can l just get the hall pass?
The hall pass.
l got to talk to some people.
Could l just get the hall pass, please?
No, sit down.
- Please, l need...
- Sit down.
l don't have it.
Porque no 'Cause l'm the only one
in this whole class
who didn't copy it off Steve!
Yeah, well, no me gusta any of this bullshit!
Thank God you got me out of there.
You wouldn't believe some of the stuff
that l've uncovered.
l don't even know where to start.
Point shaving, theft, embezzling.
A pharmaceutical drug ring.
- ls that gum in your mouth?
- There's these pills, right?
- Half the school...
- l just asked you, are you chewing gum?
That's... That's irrelevant.
l think there's something
You seem to be a little foggy
as to why l'm here, Mr. Funke.
From what l understand, you've made
a mockery of this entire high school.
You seem to think
that this is some kind of circus
and that l am some kind of clown.
l'm not an effing clown.
And l'm not here to bring joy
and love and light and laughter
into your effing heart!
Now l'm going to ask you one more time.
And this time l expect an answer.
ls
that
gum
in your mouth?
ls this gum in my mouth?
ls this gum in my mouth?
Yeah, it is, actually. lt's gum.
lt's gum. lt's gum! lt's gum! lt's gum!
lt's gum! lt's gum!
l chew it all the time, 24l7.
l've got a f***ing jumbo pack
My locker, filled to the brim with gum!
No books, just gum!
Now l am trying to talk to you
about matters
of the utmost importance here,
and you're talking to me about gum?
Bathroom breaks, you get one.
Right after lunch.
Bring your work in first thing in the morning,
which means you can get it done
by the end of third period.
Which is nice because
it gives you the rest of the day
to pretty much do whatever.
You get 15 minutes in the yard,
twice a week.
Mind and body, Funke, mind and body.
What should l do about Francesca?
Get some good porn and pray that she calls.
- Hello?
-Hello, d*ckhead
You have got to be kidding me.
I've got two stories on my desk
and one contradicts
the living sh*t out of the other
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"Assassination of a High School President" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/assassination_of_a_high_school_president_3181>.
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