Assassination of a High School President Page #6

- That's very good of you, Mr. Funke.

l know.

The Mullens' van Grass, gas or ass

Nobody rode for free

What were the good brothers

doing up so early?

You know, l think l'm just going

to parallel-park here.

l was just going to have you

do that back at the DMV lot.

Yeah, l know but this

is such a challenging spot.

l'm really feeling it today.

For me, it's all about the aesthetic.

- The aesthetic?

- Yeah.

Well, l must say, Mr. Funke,

that was some mighty fine parking.

Yeah, that was pretty good, wasn't it?

Two pharmacies in five minutes

That must've been some case of crabs

Well, l never thought l'd see the day,

but l'd say you're about to

get yourself a driver's license.

- Really?

- Really.

It was my license or the scoop

My freedom or the truth

Woodward and Bernstein.

Woodward and Bernstein.

All you have to do is get me back

to the DMV in one piece...

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Put your foot on that brake. Come on!

Stop the car!

Put your foot on the brake!

What are you doing?

Four pharmacies

and a dozen traffic violations later,

Alex Schneider and the Mullens

were still making the rounds

So l guess l'll see you next month.

- Get the f*** out.

- Fair enough.

My driver's test

had posed some new questions

Fortunately, I knew just the people

to help me find the answers

This is going to cost you, you know?

What's going on, Landis?

You're not supposed to do that

unless there's a fire.

Can't you see the fire, lamb chop?

lt's in my heart.

And it's burning for you.

Where'd you get all those keys?

- l'm sleeping with the janitor.

- Seriously?

Later, Funke.

I didn't know what I was looking for exactly

But so far,

every clue had one common denominator

The student council

See, man, cut it, cut it. Look...

- What's up?

- Dude, we're gonna need some beers, man,

because l'm not feeling it

unless l got my rhyme sauce.

And make sure it's cold.

Yo, yo, yo. Get me some antacid, too,

while you're at it.

l got mad indigestion, bro.

- Let's do this sh*t.

- Okay. No, no, no.

You guys sound really good in there.

Jesus, Funke!

What the hell are you doing in my car!

Just a little light reading.

Student council treasury ledger.

lt's a real page-turner, isn't it?

Money disappears and then reappears.

Schneider is a regular Houdini.

l don't know

what you're talking about, Funke.

Sure you do, Marty.

But maybe it's time for you to come clean.

Become your own man.

You know what, Funke? You're right.

Try not to get blood on the carpet.

My mom will get pissed.

Francesca, hey, pick up.

l need to talk to you about Paul.

Did he ever mention anything about

Schneider or the Mullens

having a drug problem?

Anyway, l'll try you again later.

Okay. l love you.

l mean, l love hanging out with you.

Oh, Gertrude

My anaconda is sore and it needs a massage

I love you

Hey, what's going on?

Didn't you hear?

No.

Here, here, breathe that in, Funke.

The big news was that everyone

had to retake the SATs

The stolen tests had been nullified

under suspicion of tampering

But I had my own suspicions to follow

I needed to stay on their tail

I needed evidence I needed photos

I needed

Hey, stinky.

l think you need to come home with me.

You know, l'm concerned about the lack

of parental supervision at your house.

Yeah? You want to be my daddy?

ls that a good look?

You're like a cool dinosaur.

l can't see anything right now.

l'm totally blind.

Paul, the Northwestern program

Suddenly none of it seemed to matter

The hole in my side, the one

that always kept me hungry, was gone

Guess that meant I was happy

You shouldn't have done that.

"Funke, frosh,

steals tests and pins it on the prez

"for a bid at Fran's hand"

Son of a b*tch!

One thing was clear,

Tad Goltz couldn't write for sh*t

- What the hell is this!

- You tell me.

There's no way that story checks out!

Schneider has been cooking the books!

What does that have to do with Paul Moore?

Nothing, but maybe Moore had nothing to do

with the SATs

- in the first place.

- Bobby, just stop.

l really believed in you.

And l thought that you were

one of the few kids in school

that didn't need to be popular.

l'm recommending that Tad

get your summer scholarship.

What?

l'm late for AP English.

Smooth move, Doctor Love.

You actually think

l went to all the trouble of stealing

the SATs just so l could go out

with Francesca?

l would.

Francesca and l are in love, Cipriato.

Maybe that's something

you can't emotionally comprehend yet.

A**hole!

Francesca. Francesca, it's not true.

Goltz is full of sh*t!

Did Paul steal them or not?

Well, l don't think so, but that's not...

l trusted you, Funke.

This is bigger than me and you. Okay?

This is bigger than Paul Moore. This is...

Francesca.

Francesca, look,

you got to believe me, okay?

Can l just get the hall pass?

The hall pass.

l got to talk to some people.

Could l just get the hall pass, please?

No, sit down.

- Please, l need...

- Sit down.

l don't have it.

Porque no 'Cause l'm the only one

in this whole class

who didn't copy it off Steve!

Yeah, well, no me gusta any of this bullshit!

Thank God you got me out of there.

You wouldn't believe some of the stuff

that l've uncovered.

l don't even know where to start.

Point shaving, theft, embezzling.

A pharmaceutical drug ring.

- ls that gum in your mouth?

- There's these pills, right?

- Half the school...

- l just asked you, are you chewing gum?

That's... That's irrelevant.

l think there's something

really serious going on here.

You seem to be a little foggy

as to why l'm here, Mr. Funke.

From what l understand, you've made

a mockery of this entire high school.

You seem to think

that this is some kind of circus

and that l am some kind of clown.

l'm not an effing clown.

And l'm not here to bring joy

and love and light and laughter

into your effing heart!

Now l'm going to ask you one more time.

And this time l expect an answer.

ls

that

gum

in your mouth?

ls this gum in my mouth?

ls this gum in my mouth?

Yeah, it is, actually. lt's gum.

lt's gum. lt's gum! lt's gum! lt's gum!

lt's gum! lt's gum!

l chew it all the time, 24l7.

l've got a f***ing jumbo pack

in my pocket right now!

My locker, filled to the brim with gum!

No books, just gum!

Now l am trying to talk to you

about matters

of the utmost importance here,

and you're talking to me about gum?

Bathroom breaks, you get one.

Right after lunch.

Bring your work in first thing in the morning,

which means you can get it done

by the end of third period.

Which is nice because

it gives you the rest of the day

to pretty much do whatever.

You get 15 minutes in the yard,

twice a week.

Mind and body, Funke, mind and body.

What should l do about Francesca?

Get some good porn and pray that she calls.

- Hello?

-Hello, d*ckhead

You have got to be kidding me.

I've got two stories on my desk

and one contradicts

the living sh*t out of the other

Did you really think that you could

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