Assassination of a High School President Page #5

on the story, boss

Well, yeah, l know l've been

doing some backtracking to,

you know, locate everything.

Backtracking, huh?

There was a kid a few years back,

said he was doing some backtracking

Turned out he fabricated the whole story

to get into the program

They kicked him out, of course

Blackballed him

Last I heard he was working

as a pharmaceutical test subject

for carpal tunnel syndrome

Your story's thin, kid

Do you really think

you can pull one over on Ben Striedel?

I want your notes, stat

Hey.

There's something that l need to tell you.

Not before l get to say thank you.

For what?

For saving my life out there.

lt was just a paintball gun.

Yeah, but you didn't know that, did you?

Look, Francesca, as an ethical journalist

and a man who's dedicated to the truth,

l think you should know

that your boyfriend was probably...

He's not my boyfriend.

Now what did you want to tell me?

That was nice shooting out there, Mr. Moore.

Another three inches to the left

and you would have had a kill shot on me.

You got this all wrong.

l didn't steal the SATs.

Anything else?

Yeah. This place sucks!

You'll be sucking soon enough, Mr. Moore.

They locked Paul away at some

undisclosed private institution

My story put him there

Now it was my job to get him out

l'll tell you whatever you want to know.

Meds, three times a day.

PMW.

Paul Moore way.

Paul, l need your help.

l know someone framed you

for stealing the SATs,

but l just don't know who.

Who do you think framed you?

Who set you up? Come on, Paul.

Are you here to take me home?

After three hours,

the only thing I got out of Paul

was a sinking feeling in my stomach

All right, Mitch, we're looking for weapons,

obviously, anything that can kill a student.

Knives, guns. But it's not always obvious.

Are you kidding me?

You know the rule about gum!

Raise your arms, please. With the women,

you want to use the backs of the hands.

The backs of the hands, Mitch.

Last rule. Most important rule.

You're gonna wanna f*** them.

Do not f*** the students,

do you understand?

The scene of the crime

Give a lunatic a paintball gun

and you'd expect a Jackson Pollock

But Paul was more precise

Every shot counted But for what?

Francesca? That's easy She broke his heart

Me? I broke the story

Kirkpatrick? Mercy killing

But what about Alex Schneider,

the school treasurer?

What about Marlon and the Mullens?

They were his friends

and fellow members of the student council

If Paul's painting meant something,

maybe those guys could explain it to me

Yo, check it out,

it's that slut Laura Hoffner.

Dude, you don't even

want to know what l did to that ass!

Probably the same thing

l did to your mom's ass.

Dude, that's Mom. Our mom.

Yeah.

Yo, yo, check it out. l got this move

that l like to call the operator, right?

lt's when l'm railing a girl,

and then l reach down

and steal her cell phone

and l call up her dad so he can listen

to me do her.

- Yeah, Daddy. Yes...

- Father's very special.

Are you lost, freshman?

Why did he shoot you, Marlon?

He shot you, too, didn't he?

Yeah. Well, he shot you first.

Hey, you want detention

for the rest of your life, f*** face?

Hey, Funke, why don't you...

Why don't you come to my house on Friday?

l'm gonna have a little party.

No, dude. Come on.

lt's okay. l mean, he just wants

to ask me some questions, right?

For the school paper.

l mean, l don't want to get on his bad side.

We all saw what happened to Moore.

Funke, you made it.

So this is a party.

Yeah, well, you knew enough

to be fashionably late.

Well, no, actually l had a flat tire, so...

Twenty bucks says that toothpaste

doesn't do a goddamn thing.

l'll f***ing smoke it myself.

Smoke what you got, man.

You want a beer?

Well, actually l have to get up early

for my driver's test. Okay.

lt's good.

lt's like a good brew, it's really...

lt's really cold.

l'm so going to corrupt you.

- Sh*t! No!

- Okay, man.

Hey, Marlon, you and Paul Moore

have been on the student council together

for two years.

ln all that time did he ever seem...

- Funke.

- Yeah?

lt's a party.

Yeah, Funke,

you can put this on the record, okay?

Tastes minty.

Tastes like a veal cutlet.

No, it's like... lt's like a baby lamb chop

with the mint jelly.

Tastes like a joint, you fags!

Beer pong. Just focus on the cup.

Come on, Funke,

give me your best shot.

Nice shot!

Goal!

Hold this.

All right, let's play this game.

l've got winners.

- Yo, what do you want us to do with him?

- Take him upstairs.

Tie him up.

l can take another one of those two b*tches,

all right? Give me one.

Where's the toothpaste?

Hey, it's baby Funke.

Take it. Take it like a man.

The little prick told me he was going

to a seminar on surveillance technology.

l feel bad for him.

He's totally gaga for that cum-dumpster.

A single p*ssy hair

can pull a battleship through the desert.

- Hey. What are you guys doing here?

- Think about it.

The real question is,

what are you doing here?

l'm just... l'm doing research

for the school paper.

Yeah. You're writing a story

on Francesca's pink beav.

No, seriously.

Listen to me.

You need to sink the pink tonight, hermano

l hope you... before, that way you can last.

Yeah. You don't want to be a premie.

A premie?

Word gets around.

lt's true. She's used to Paul Moore.

That guy can last.

How do you know?

- l just know.

- Hey, Funke, listen.

After you come,

you're going to hate her, hate her.

l don't know why, but you will.

- Well, l got to get back.

- To do the story.

- Right?

- Right.

Dig deep, hermano

Yeah, balls deep.

See you guys on Monday.

Keep it going. Come on. Give me something.

Give me something.

Yeah!

Work with me!

Hey, stranger. So l wanted to talk to you

about a follow-up to your story.

l was thinking like maybe an editorial piece

on the student council or something.

- Clara.

- Yeah?

lt's a party.

lsn't this Marlon's room?

Yeah, well, somebody

already passed out in my bed.

Well, then won't he mind that we're in here?

He doesn't care.

Cool planes.

What are you doing with me?

What kind of a question is that?

A good one.

Hey, l like you.

l like the way you look at me.

Like it's for real, you know?

Like you don't have to impress anyone.

Like if tomorrow

St. Donovan's would just disappear

you'd still look at me the way you do.

You get me, Funke.

l tried on, like, 1 1 shirts

before l came over here.

Yeah? Well, you know, l don't like it.

l think you need to take it off.

When do your parents come home?

My dad's out of town until Tuesday.

What about your mom?

My mom's dead, Funke.

Sorry.

l want you.

You get me.

Hey, Ashwood, you're pissing yourself.

F***.

Funke. Hey, Funke, untie me.

- Cipriato.

- Funke!

You're doing considerably better

this time around, Mr. Funke.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Sorry, l just thought that

l should adjust this mirror a smidge.

- Safety first.

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