At Middleton
1
I head east towards the city
And when the sun goes down
I'm heading home again
The city lights
have left me empty
They've replaced the stars
That used to shine so bright
But I will smile
And I'll keep you close
And when the sun breaks
In the morning...
It's a fanfare.
It's great... arrival music.
It's "Fanfare for a Son"...
a classic.
Dad, I caved on the shirt.
I'm not wearing the tie.
A young man in a tie
makes a statement.
What, that my father
dresses me in the morning?
Nobody wears ties to these things.
What?
Without the tie,
we're having the sex talk.
Oh, my God.
I need a six-letter word for llama.
- Llama?
- Yeah.
Vicua.
How could you possibly know that?
Give me another one.
Okay, um, feckless.
What's another word for feckless?
- Feckless?
- Yeah.
Honey, feckless is the other word.
Come on, it's nine letters.
It's getting cold
out on that big lake
And the water's painted blue
Don't let the skyline
fool you, baby...
- Mom.
- Yeah?
- You just missed the turn.
- No, I didn't.
You looked right at the sign that said
"Middleton Campus Not This Way."
I don't know what
you're talking about.
What is wrong with you?
You're gonna make me late.
It's pointless!
What's pointless?
The goddamn nine-letter
word for feckless.
Pointless.
Right?
Look, Con rad,
I know that Middleton
is not at the top of your list,
but just give it a chance.
Sometimes a place can surprise you.
I'm surprised no
one's wearing a tie.
Can't you just park head in, like most
every other driver on the planet?
I've told you before,
you have much better visibility
when you're exiting
a parking space...
Dad, you just got parked.
Hi. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hi. Good morning.
- Hi.
- Good morning.
Uh, you took my spot.
I thought you were
pulling into that one.
No, I was gonna back...
you know, I was going to go like...
and then come in and back
into this one like that.
Ah, you're one of those.
- What does that mean?
- Look, it's a parking lot.
There's a space. Celebrate.
Celebrate?
Of course a guy who wears a bow tie
would back into a parking space.
Morn, just let it go.
Celebrate.
I bet you he irons his underwear.
I bet you he waits 30 minutes
You know fuming is feckless, right?
Yeah, and I bet you he made
his boy wear that tie.
Oh, my God, let's go!
X5 with 40-inch wheels
because we all know how treacherous
She had Colorado plates.
Yeah, well, God save the grizzlies.
All right, hey, everybody.
- Gather round.
- Here we go.
Hope everybody had a good
drive in, 10:
00 tour.Okay, welcome to Meet Middleton!
First, let's meet Justin. Hi.
That's me. I'm Justin.
Great to meet you guys.
- Hi, Justin.
- I'll be taking you around today.
Let's just pass
these bad boys out...
a little brochure, a map of the campus,
know where we're going.
- Thank you.
- Okay, cool.
I'm a junior at the college
music and horticulture...
unfortunately known
as a dingleberry.
Thank you.
Um, we're gonna take
a two-hour tour,
after which we'll break for lunch.
And then we're gonna have
You're gonna meet
the faculty member
from the department of your choice.
And by the time the
afternoon bell sounds...
you'll have fallen in love.
I guarantee it.
Well, all right, so let's get
this little tour bus on the road,
you rock stars.
Come on! Let's get going.
- They have a planetarium.
- It's an observatory.
- It's an observatory, chief.
- A fun fact about the walkway
we're currently on...
it was built by a thousand
children in 1842.
What a waste of a
perfectly beautiful tie.
- Tell me about it.
- I'm just kidding. Just 100...
Lovely day. Let's go over here.
Come on in. Come on in.
Don't be shy.
It's just me.
Now, the college,
which is situated on
just over 100 breathtaking acres,
was founded in 1887 by
Lowndes Pope Middleton,
who as a young man made a
fortune in whale blubber
before finding his true calling
in education and philanthropy.
stood upon this pedestal,
but fell prey to some
bandits in the late 1960s.
Why didn't they replace him?
Well, you know, these
boots have sort of become
mission of Middleton.
Have you had any deaths on campus?
You'd be surprised. There
are a lot of deaths.
I'm just kidding. There's... no.
Very, very safe here.
We have a security team of students.
They're volunteers.
They're constantly patrolling.
We give them small nightsticks.
And they make sure everybody
sort of stays in order.
It's a good system.
I see the toe of the
boot is fairly worn out.
Is that a tradition...
to rub the toes there?
It is. It is. Thank
you for bringing that up.
Before an important day
or test or something,
you're supposed to kiss the boot.
- Any rapes?
- Oh, my God.
A lot of rapes. But that's
typical at college, you know.
That's what you're getting into.
Yeah. So it's a
fantastic tradition.
- I need a coffee.
- You had two cups in the car.
- Do you want one? Can I get you one?
- No.
Cool. Any more questions?
Love questions.
They're not even gonna
notice I'm gone, okay?
- Excuse me.
- Our next stop on the tour
is gonna be the Pope Library.
Now this thing is brand-spanking-new,
so you're gonna be pretty impressed.
Okay? Just remember,
don't smudge the glass.
It's the hospital.
I'll see you in the library.
- All right.
- And wipe those boots before entering.
Come on, you rascals.
We're having fun.
We're having fun.
Say it.
Hello. Yes. Dr. Hartman.
Yes. Hello?
Yes, Dr. Ha... hello? Hello?
Unbelievable.
One of those, please.
Make it two.
I hear they keep the doctor away.
I talked... doctor...
but... when... George, are you...
The connection... George?
George? Hey.
George, are you the...?
Can't hear... you there?
George, I'm dying. Help me.
Larry, are you there? Larry.
- George, you still there?
- Yeah, I got you.
- George?
- Listen, Larry,
there's nothing to
worry about, okay?
You're in good hands.
I need you to relax.
Call me anytime, all right?
Larry? Larry?
These things are so feckless,
don't you think?
Excuse me?
These tours.
- Feckless?
- Mm-hmm.
Let me guess... you're a
Wrong. How about you?
Wait, let me guess. Let me guess.
Are you a Brooks Brothers model?
I'm a cardiac surgeon.
I was speaking with a patient.
Mm, so you can fix a heart
over the phone?
Depends on the data plan.
Well, is he gonna make it?
I'm not sure.
Oh.
George Hartman.
Oh.
What?
Heart man?
Oh, yes. Well, what can I say?
I like things neat.
I'm Edith Martin.
Edith? Oh.
Oh, I know, I know, but
it's gonna make a comeback.
Just wait and see.
Excuse me.
Do you know where
the Pope Library is?
Yeah.
It's the building next to the
building behind that building.
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"At Middleton" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 12 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/at_middleton_3208>.
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