At Middleton Page #2

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So next to the thing?

Exactly.

43 grand a year and that's

the best they can do?

You made your boy put on

that tie, didn't you?

You mean the waste of a tie.

Well, it's obvious he

doesn't want to wear it.

I was just trying

to be encouraging.

Well, your girl seemed

very determined.

Audrey. Yeah, I named her

after Audrey Hepburn,

but it was a serious miscalculation.

I should have named her Benito.

- A smartphone fascist?

- Right?

Oh, my God.

If Audrey had to give

up either her phone

or a kidney, she'd be on

dialysis, I'm sure of it.

So is Middleton your first stop?

No, it's our only stop.

Yeah, I couldn't get her

to look anyplace else.

My husband was supposed

to chaperone, but...

he couldn't get off of work.

I told my wife that...

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

I think it's a little

slice of heaven.

Middleton?

Yes, Middleton.

Eh, a little small for my taste.

We all like books

here a lot at Middleton.

We're big fans of books.

Our library, the Pope Library,

has on hand over 200,000

volumes of books

as well as a huge

collection of rare books.

It's not small.

It's intimate is what it is.

God, these things are like

a dog and pony show.

They give your child

no idea whatsoever

what it would be like

to actually go here.

It's just a day.

Books are like the magazines

of the gods. Am I right?

Sometimes a day can be an eternity.

Particularly if you're

in the company of a man

who backs into a parking space.

It's a good place to come and study.

There's actually a floor upstairs

that you're required to be quiet.

These tours are like a first date.

She's smart. She's pretty.

She smells good.

Maybe you'll try to stick

your hand up her shirt.

Shh!

My favorite is

"Cat Fancy" and "Dog Fancy,"

"House and Garden,"

"Botanist's Weekly,"

"Architectural Digest"...

a whole array of stuff.

A lot of good magazines here.

I'm just always trying to keep up.

Now, this is pretty exciting...

currently we have on loan

from the British Library

a manuscript from renowned poet

and author Charles Dodgson.

Now, Dodgson didn't write

under his real name.

Lewis Carroll.

Very good. Very nice.

Um, Carroll's masterwork

"Alice's Adventures

in Wonderland"...

that's gonna be here till the end

of the month, so we're very excited.

Excuse me.

I find it extraordinary

that Lewis Carroll's

masterwork would be available

to such a small college.

I think it's incredible. I do.

But, you know, a lot of really

cool stuff happens here.

Um, this past weekend

Snatches of Pink played a

free concert on the quad.

- Justin.

- Hmm?

On a scale of one to 10,

could you rate the effect

on your life respectively

of the visiting manuscript

versus the Snatches

of Pink concert?

The Snatches were tight.

The Snatches were tight, George.

- So let's...

- Tight.

Hey, let's float on over

to this residence hall.

- Ooh, speaking of floating...

- I know what that means.

Just up the stairs and, ironically,

it's just past the Ps.

All righty, so come on.

This dorm we're gonna go see...

it's actually named after

the fourth of Middleton's

seven illegitimate children.

- Osborne.

- You're killing it.

You're on fire.

- She's the one to beat, you guys.

- Uh-oh.

Seven children

from seven women...

hey, Middleton was no Moby Dick.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- I am on fire right now.

- This woman's driving me crazy...

completely loony.

You look very handsome.

A little pinch in there

and we'll be all set.

What do you think of it so far?

- Of what?

- Middleton.

It's small.

It's not small. It's intimate.

Why are you cramming this

place down my throat?

Who's cramming?

Can't you just let me

figure it out myself?

How are you gonna figure it out

with this kind of feckless approach?

- Feckless?

- Feckless.

That would be "not tight" to you.

Dad, please don't say "tight."

Where are you going?

I'm going to figure it out myself.

I think he's rounding second.

Hey. How are you?

You think they're freshmen?

Yeah.

Carry on. Carry on.

You know, it's not polite to stare.

- I'm not staring.

- Oh, you were a statue.

- How long were you there?

- Just long enough to catch you staring.

- What are you doing up here?

- Going to the bathroom.

Is that your story? Because my

money's on you followed me.

- I did no such thing.

- Of course you did.

Yeah, I could easily say that you

came up here so I would follow you.

You could. And you'd be wrong.

Excuse me. Hey. I'm trying

to write a paper here.

You know, this is a library.

I'm sorry. We're being rude.

What paper are you working on?

- You wouldn't be interested.

- Give it a shot. I might surprise you.

What have you got there?

Hemingway? Steinbeck?

That's cute.

"Images of Sexual Alienation

As They Relate to the Monkey Garden

in 'The House on Mango Street."

I got nothing for you. Good luck.

What, you guys get

separated from the tour?

Yeah.

- Dingle-berry?

- Yeah.

You're better off on your own.

Thank you.

Okay, I did follow you.

Ha! Why?

- I wanted to apologize.

- For what?

- For being that guy.

- Oh.

Oh, pshh.

You're not really that guy.

I mean, your son thinks

you're that guy.

But trust me, you're

definitely not that guy.

Monkey Garden back there

will grow up to be that guy.

Anyway, apology accepted.

Thank you.

Where do you suppose they are?

Well...

uh, library.

According to the schedule,

Osborne Hall.

Yeah?

- Is Osborne Hall...

- Is where?

around here?

Oh, it's in the building next to

the building behind that building.

Osborne Hall, which

is where I'm going.

Okay, let me guess...

you sell...

antiques.

Hmm.

- Gardening equipment.

- Mm.

Antique gardening equipment.

- Children's furniture.

- Really?

High-end children's furniture.

And what constitutes high-end

children's furniture?

It being in my store.

How about you?

So you fix broken hearts.

Do you have any other children?

No. You?

No, Audrey's all we can handle.

I thought they would be here.

Yeah.

Hello?

- Up in this building...

- Hi. Where are you?

Where are you? I thought you said

we were gonna do this together.

Well, yeah, that's what I thought,

until it became obvious

I've become some endless well

of embarrassment for you.

You know how important

this day is to me.

Why are you doing this?

I don't know. I don't know

what you're talking about.

"How many people have been

killed at Middleton?"

Oh, come on.

You're indicting me for

being a caring parent?

No, I'm indicting the succubus

that body-snatched your soul

and is walking around

in your clothes today.

She just called me a succubus.

- Succubus?

- Listen to me, Audrey.

- Okay...

- No, Mom, you listen.

This is the beginning of

my Middleton experience.

And I'm not gonna let you ruin it.

I'm going here. I'm gonna

study with Emerson.

And you know what else?

I'm gonna finish.

Okay, what does that mean?

It means that I won't have to settle for

selling furniture the rest of my life.

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