At Middleton Page #3

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Ooh!

I can't. I can't. No.

Oh, God.

Okay, you know what?

I'd say that you're behaving like

a five-letter word that

means "female dog."

Okay.

So, listen, when I was

in the library,

I happened to run into

the dean of students

who just volunteered

to give George and me

- a personal tour of the campus.

- What?

- Dean Pruitt?

- Yeah, in the flesh.

But what we're seeing isn't

on the regular tour, no.

You get to meet Middleton.

We get to feel her up.

- Really?

- Really.

So take your personal space.

Enjoy the cookie-cutter

tour with the Dingleberry.

And, you know, call me

when you need a ride home.

- That was very impressive.

- What?

The way you so convincingly

lied to your daughter.

Yeah? I'm not even warmed up.

Okay, guys, I can't help it.

At this point,

I've just got to tell you

some really great things

about Middleton...

- Hi.

- Oh, hey. What's going on?

- Audrey Martin.

- Hi. Conrad Hartman.

Parking lot earlier.

- Yeah, I remember.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Nice to meet you.

- You as well.

So where is your mom?

Um, who cares?

What do you mean?

She seems pretty cool, for a mom.

Why didn't your morn make the trip?

You know, this is Dad's thing.

And Dad's thing's

really Mom's thing.

I guess he wanted it to be some

kind of bonding experience,

but I'm totally not feeling it.

It just seems all so feckless.

You said "feckless."

Yeah, feckless.

Yeah.

You know, maybe

Monkey Garden is right.

Maybe we'd do better on our own.

Are you advocating tour hooky?

- Yep.

- What do I tell Conrad?

Oh, you know, I don't know.

Just give him some space.

You know? Let him loosen his tie.

But this visit was my idea.

He's gonna think I flaked out on him.

He doesn't even have lunch money.

I don't think so.

You know, they're probably in class.

Look, we'll bring them right back.

- No.

- This is fate.

This is theft, Edith.

When was the last time

you rode a bike, George?

Yeah, my point exactly.

Now get on.

According to the Dingleberry,

we have a little over 100

breathtaking acres at our disposal.

You know? We need the speed.

Come on. We'll bring

'em right back.

Come on, Hartman!

Get the stick out of your ass!

Hey.

All right.

- 12.

- What?

Last time I rode a bike, I was 12.

Are you sure you're okay, George?

You strike me as a

helmet-wearing kind of guy.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

I think I lost a testicle.

Oh.

Wow!

Oh...

You okay?

Yeah. Just give me a second.

Unbelievable.

Look, you can see

the entire campus.

- You can see the town.

- Yeah. Yeah.

You can see the one

car parked backwards.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Get over here.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you read up ever

on this bell tower?

Hmm? No.

Yeah, there's a legend

of the bell tower.

I saw it here in the...

oh, here it is.

Edith, Edith, don't do that.

Don't lean over like that.

Says here the tower

was completed in 1917,

the year that the United States

entered the First World War.

More than 150 Middleton students

- enlisted for military service.

- Hmm.

And there was a young

woman by the name of...

a freshman, name of

Matilda Reynolds,

whose boyfriend,

Seymour Sternshine,

was among the newly

minted doughboys.

Upon his departure, she ascended

the steps of this very tower

and stood in the east window,

facing Europe, of course, yeah,

where she silently pledged

her eternal love to him,

vowing that she would

rise into the tower

at the same time each day until

he returned safely from the war.

- Aww.

- Young love.

And what happened?

What happened?

It says... oh.

Seymour was killed.

Yeah, he was killed by...

by a stampede of rogue

swine in the Loire Valley

that also claimed the lives

of almost all of his platoon

except for his young

brother, Ernest Sternshine,

who was the bugle man

who lived to tell the story.

Apparently the high C notes

drove off the rogue swine...

the very sensitive ears

that their swine have.

Seymour Sternshine.

All right, so I have a little trouble

playing poker in a brightly lit room.

Come over here.

Come over here.

You can't miss this.

No, I'm good.

There's a nice breeze here.

Huh?

- A nice breeze here.

- Come here.

- No.

- Yes.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- You're afraid of heights?

- "Afraid" is a strong word.

Let's just say I try to

organize my life in such a way

where heights don't really

play into the equation.

So you will open up

a person's chest

with a very sharp knife,

but you won't stand over

here by this railing?

It's a little more

complicated than that,

but pretty much, yeah.

No. Come on.

I will... I'll help you.

- No, listen...

- I'll help you.

I will take care of you.

I promise. I'll take care of you.

- Edith.

- Come on.

- Edith, I can't go over there.

- You can.

- No, I can't.

- I'll help you.

- No, I can't go over there.

- Yes, you can.

- Listen to me very carefully.

- I'll help you.

- Edith. Edith.

- Come on. Come on, George.

- I can't go over there.

- Yes, you can.

Come on.

Come on.

You can't miss this.

Okay, I saw a bird.

I saw a bird.

Edith.

Ahh.

Mm. Thank you.

- Open your eyes.

- Oh.

Open your eyes.

Open your eyes.

Oh, my God. Open your eyes.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I am starting to get

Middleton as intimate.

Oh! No. Really?

So this is the church of Santos

Dominicus Ignatius Aloysius

and my favorite thing about this

place is the reverberation.

Sometimes I just come

in here and I sing.

Amen.

You know?

Jesus.

Stuff like that.

So I'm not a religious person,

but I find it very powerful,

so I come here on the tours.

Just halfway through.

We can just take a break

and, yeah, have a seat.

If... if, you know,

you feel like prayer, pray.

And if you feel just like

cooling off, taking a break,

it's fine to do that.

Just take a deep breath.

Hallelujah.

It's so small.

Compared to what?

On the virtual tour,

it seemed bigger.

Well, there's always Princeton.

And what does that mean?

It just doesn't seem that you

like this place very much.

Well, that's because

I love this place.

Why?

Roland Emerson.

I hear he only works

with upperclassmen.

What? That's bullshit.

Sit back, please.

He's one of the premier linguistic

scholars in the country.

And?

And linguistics is the perfect

foundation for any number of careers.

- Like?

- Like law, business.

So what are you gonna study?

I'm just keeping my options open.

Hmm.

Yeah, yeah, that's a really

strong department.

I'm just saying.

Whew.

How come this...

they put a bench in

front of a tree?

It blocks the view.

- Well...

- What was here first?

The tree was here first,

judging by the girth.

- See that boy over there?

- Mm-hmm.

Ronald.

- He is from Battle Creek, Michigan.

- Mm-hmm.

He will try,

but fail to discover the cure

for restless leg syndrome.

That one over there.

Oh, that's either

Adonis or Samson, right?

One of the two.

He majors in geology and...

see how he's looking up?

- Astronomy.

- Uh-huh.

Which makes him, of course,

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