Austenland Page #2

Martin,

hurry up with those bags.

My God, look at those.

Hallelujah. Oh!

Do you think those

are their real faces?

And for you, Miss Charming, we have

our finest Platinum level room.

Oh!

How old-fashioned.

Miss Erstwhile.

If you follow me.

Hey! It's bloody brilliant!

Where are you? We can't dilly-dally.

And you, of course, have one of

our loveliest Copper level rooms.

We meet for dinner at 8:00.

I expect you can find your

own way to the drawing room.

I wouldn't miss

it for the world.

With me? Yes.

Jane!

Jane? Come here.

All the statues look at you!

Look. It's one of

those Mr. Darcy guys.

May I present Miss

Elizabeth Charming.

Heiress to the vast

Charming fortune.

Top of the evening to you.

And Miss Jane Erstwhile.

An orphan of no fortune,

who we've taken in

out of the goodness

of our hearts.

Colonel Andrews, the second

son of the Earl of Denton.

I have never before

beheld such beauty...

And class.

What a very pleasant

pleasure it is indeed.

And my dear nephew,

Henry Nobley.

Goody.

There's one for each of us.

And, of course, our honored

guest, Lady Amelia Heartwright.

What the H?

I've been so lonely here without

other young women to entertain me.

All day, stuck with these men.

And that is my husband.

Do sit down.

I do hope it will not

rain on us tomorrow.

It would be so lovely to take

a turn around the gardens.

I sure would like you

to turn me upside

down in the garden.

Pardon me?

I think Miss Charming just

means she loves the outdoors.

Right.

Bless.

Do you see something in my eye?

I'm afraid I can't

see in this low light.

Oh, Mr. Nobley.

You really are quite a bloke.

It would appear to be my duty

to gaze into your eyes.

I'm a military man,

I'd never shirk my duty.

Allow me, Miss Charming.

Yes. Yes, there is

something there. Fire.

I say, Miss Charming, you certainly

do live up to your name.

Tally-ho!

I do hope

you all enjoy the food.

Have you lost

your appetite, Mr. Nobley?

Somewhat.

Something on your mind?

Absolutely nothing's

on my mind, thank you.

Prudence, a little bit more of the

peacock pat, when you're ready.

I can't believe

I'm really here.

Jane.

Yeah?

Why don't you try out

some of that fancy talk?

Mr. Nobley, I hear there is

a ball on our last night.

Do you enjoy dancing?

Not particularly.

Scandalous.

I am sure you have escorted many a

fine lady on to the dance floor.

I would say

that manners maketh man.

I look forward to having the

pleasure of standing opposite you.

But dancing is the true hallmark...

You do?

...of a gentilhomme d'honneur.

Pass the

sheep's eyeballs, will you?

Traditionally, dancing

is a match-making custom.

Oh, yes.

However, it fails

unless both partners

are equally fond of each other.

You could say the same

about any social intercourse.

Intercourse?

Such as talking to someone

or having dinner with them.

Society demands that we engage in a social

intercourse in order to seem courteous.

Yet, in most cases, such

actions are ultimately vulgar.

I really adore conversating.

Do you really believe,

Mr. Nobley,

that you can know the worth

of a person at a glance?

Can you tell me that

within the first few moments

of meeting each

person in this room,

you didn't form firm opinions

of their character?

Well, it would be a shame if my first

impression of you proved correct.

Well, Miss Erstwhile, I for one

am so pleased you are here.

Another woman who understands,

as I do, the rocky road of love.

Mrs. Wattlesbrook told me

of your tragic story.

What?

I try to learn a great

deal about my clients

so that I can better

prepare for their stay.

You have been unlucky

in love, shall we say?

We most definitely

should say.

At your age,

with no husband, no kinder...

I'm sorry.

The clock is ticking. Tick-took,

tick-took. Oh, bugger.

How unfortunate.

Excuse me.

Good duck.

Jane. Jane! Jane.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You know, I know how it feels to

be treated badly by stupid men.

I really do.

Jane, come on.

Give me a hug.

Come on. At least it's not

gonna happen at this place.

Besides, you'll feel

totally different tomorrow.

Think about all the people in

the world that hang themselves.

And then the next day,

they feel different,

but there's nothing

they can do about it.

Don't hang yourself, Jane.

Mmm-hmm.

Anyway, if you need anything,

just call me. I'm right down the hall.

Well, actually,

I'm not right down the hall

because you're in the servants' wing.

You're in the creepy tower.

God, sometimes I think

about you here at night.

Must be really scary.

It's okay.

Anyway.

And, Jane,

the maid told me that...

FYI, she said don't

use the chamber pots.

Apparently the toilets

really do flush here,

and they don't know what to do

if it's just piled high.

Right.

Of course,

he made all his money

selling quicklime

on the continent.

You can never have enough whitewash,

as my grandfather used to say.

Then he contracted

dysentery and died.

Tap-tap.

Good morrow, sir.

'Tis I.

Shall we promenade?

Oh. Oh, I say.

Miss Erstwhile, do join us.

Yes, make haste.

I think I'll go

find some shade.

Really? How peculiar.

She's been too much in the sun.

Come, sir.

Your hunting excursion is commencing

on the upper

paddock at the stable

where you will be assigned

an appropriate mount.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm not spying on you.

I'm afraid you caught me

at an unladylike moment.

Mrs. Wattlesbrook will probably

rap my knuckles or something.

Tell me about it.

So you hail from

the former colonies?

I'm sorry, that's pretty bad. I'm not

really here to do the "ye olde" stuff.

I'm probably not supposed to be

talking to the servants anyway.

I thought I'd come here and be a total

pro at this, but I don't know...

Yeah. Maybe you need

a coach or something.

Yeah. I'm definitely not

supposed to talk to you.

And yet,

here you are.

That's... I have to...

Where are you?

Miss Erstwhile, there you are.

Yes, hello. I... I was

just saying to Nobley here

our divine Miss Erstwhile

seems to have escaped us.

And let us not see if

we cannot find her out...

I was hot so I stopped in here,

you know, and then I sat...

I say, Miss Erstwhile,

you are tongue-tied today.

What sordid secrets is your

mouth trying to hide from us?

No, no secrets. No.

Do tell me at once.

I simply must know.

Andrews!

Can't you see

that she's unwell?

No, I'm fine.

Thank you...

Unwell? Perhaps you have a

touch of the vapors? Or mange?

Either way,

bell jar on the tummy.

Sucks out all

the vicious vapors.

And leeches on the ankles...

Andrews, shut up.

What?

Hi. Ladies and gents,

please take notice!

I've just got the schedule,

and look, it says we get

to go hunting on horseback.

Can you believe it?

Real horses and real guns!

Release the hounds!

Tally-ho.

A-hunting we will go.

The British are coming.

The British are coming!

Shall we go?

Shall we?

Hey, stable boy.

You're way too slow! Come on!

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