Austenland Page #3

I've never shot

a hunting rifle before.

Now, the whole thing with the

gun, darling, is that you have to cock it.

Just hold the barrel. There.

And then gently

pull the trigger.

Have you ever

fired a loaded weapon before?

Actually, I think you might

be quite impressed by my...

Big cock.

... skills.

I will be.

Ow!

Just a little closer there.

Yeah,

I think I get the basics.

Ready, ladies?

Face down range.

Load. And make ready.

And, pull!

Fly in my eye.

My... Miss Erstwhile. What a

talented little nut you are.

Yeah.

I guess I get the basics of it.

I didn't think we were really

supposed to kill them.

What are we supposed

to eat for dinner?

Anyone for pheasant? Me.

Of course, all these

horses are thoroughbreds.

They come from the local stud.

Well, I'm too busy, you see.

There's something

wrong with the horse.

Crap Copper package.

Little bit tight. Have

to give you a rub down tonight.

Excuse me?

The horse.

Right, sorry.

There we go.

Oh!

Thank you.

I'll be back in

a crack with a new horse.

Okay.

Somewhere there's

a book of me

Waiting for someone to read it

And I really believe it

Just wish that

I could see it

And I keep losing track

of where I'm meant to be

If you know it you would be there

'Cause I know

that you're a good man

But you like

to keep that secret

Oh. Hi.

Did that stable

boy abandon you?

No, he's coming right back.

Well, I wasn't raised to leave

a woman alone in the woods.

I'm really... I'm fine.

Well, there's...

All right, come on.

Get up.

Both of us on the one horse?

I don't know if that's gonna

really work for me...

Right, are you ready?

One, two, three.

No, no.

Okay.

We're not gonna be able to outrun the

storm unless you straddle the horse.

Straddle... Not possible

in this rig. Sorry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Get forward. Forward. That's it, more.

Forward? Okay. Well...

Take the reins.

Now, anyone who can shoot a gun

like that can ride a horse.

Come on.

Do you have me?

I've got you fine.

Thank you.

Jane.

Come here.

I know,

but it's a little hard...

No, your leg, your leg. No.

Yeah, okay.

Thank you.

Jane.

What the hell do you think you were

doing leaving her alone like that?

I'm sorry, I was coming.

No, I was fine,

actually, Mr. Nobley.

There you are, Mr. Nobley. I was about

to arouse a search party.

Miss Erstwhile. What ghastly

thing happened to you?

I think I'm just

gonna go powder my nose.

Everyone, please

assemble in the drawing room

for this evening's whist drive.

Partners will be assigned according

to ability and package status.

I do believe

I start this one, do I not?

I'm just

so happy. I...

See if you can beat that.

Well,

there's a card.

A proper lady does not doodle the

evening away, Miss Erstwhile.

You're looking well,

Mr. Nobley.

The rain refreshed

your spirits, did it?

Hardly.

I say, who needs

the outdoors when

you ladies are such

a breath of fresh air?

Colonel, you really

are a saucy monkey.

Miss Erstwhile, what's that

earthy smell about you?

Is it perfume?

I'm not wearing any perfume.

Must be your essence.

Colonel. Tremendous play.

I didn't see that one.

No, no one ever does.

It's my sneaky maneuver

I picked up in the Punjab.

Oh! Exotic!

My, Miss Charming, what

beauteous skin you possess.

Reawy?

Well, that's because late at

night when I'm all alone,

I put my face in the fire.

Really?

It's like a porcelain plate.

It's like being in a kiln.

Wake up and

suddenly you're in love

Sorry.

I didn't mean to bother you

if you're in the

middle of something or...

You are a little lost?

No.

I was just walking around, and

then I heard music and so...

Quick. Get in before Wattlesbrook

confiscates this thing.

Let's hope you're not her spy.

Mrs. Wattlesbrook?

Yeah.

She made me sign half a dozen

proper behavior agreements...

Right.

Swear to keep any modern contraption

out of sight of the guests.

Right.

Including you, Miss Erstwhile.

I'm not a spy.

I swear.

And you don't have to call me

Miss Erstwhile. It's Jane.

Martin.

I am so sorry

about this afternoon.

No, no. Don't be.

Don't even worry about it.

I would have

been absolutely fine

if it weren't for

Prince Valiant showing up.

The actors are

paid to be valiant.

Right.

They have some "Most Valiant

Player of the Month" award.

Still, it's nice to have

a little break from them.

Do you mind if I

turn back on your music?

No, of course not.

You're a real easy

listening kinda guy, huh?

Yeah. It relaxes me.

Yeah. The easier...

The easier, the better.

Here it comes.

I used to think that

love was just a fairy tale

You're a really great singer.

You've got really

great taste in gowns.

You make it

a little hard for me

to take myself

seriously in this getup.

Where are you in there?

There you are, yeah.

Do you slow dance?

Sure.

Suddenly life has

new meaning to me

I don't remember Wattlesbrook

teaching us that move.

Yeah, neither will those

posh boys up at the house.

Ah. I almost forgot about it.

Do you have another girl

hidden around here somewhere?

Yeah.

What was that?

Shh.

You don't wanna scare her.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Wow. You put

all the girls at ease?

Only the wild ones.

We almost missed it.

Is this horse about to

have a baby right here?

I've never seen

anything being born.

Go get me some straw.

Wait a second.

Are you gonna have to stick your hands

up in and flip it or something?

Jane, just go get her some straw.

Yeah, all right.

Breathe, you can do this.

Straw. Get it.

Yeah.

I found some!

Okay. Thanks, Jane.

My God, what's that?

Jane.

I'm coming right now.

Get the straw, Jane!

Push! Push! Push!

That's it...

Oh, my... Sparkle.

I found it!

Jane, it's beautiful.

Got the straw.

Oh, my gosh!

It's the miracle of birth.

There you go.

Up you get, buddy.

Run free, little Sparkle.

Prince Valiant

couldn't do that.

No.

That was amazing, though.

That was really amazing.

I should probably get going.

You got...

Might not want that.

Can I give you something first?

Just

Wanted to do that for a while.

Good night, Jane Erstwhile.

Good night.

"She had had many a hint from Mr.

Knightley, and some from her own heart. "

I have one, too.

Ooh.

Mr. Darcy said to Jane,

"Jane, listen.

Listen right now.

"If you were to

sleep with me tonight,

"I would actually

speak to you the next day,

"unlike any man that you will

meet 100 years from now. "

Please.

Please shut your hole.

Men and women wouldn't even

touch before marriage,

let alone be alone in

the same room together.

I don't think he would ever say

something like that,

and he was a gentleman.

Why are we sewing again?

I guess this is how women must

have spent a lot of their time.

Well, if the men don't

come back from hunting soon,

I'm gonna ask for a refund.

What about you, Miss Erstwhile?

Are you enjoying yourself?

It is a shame we are

so awkwardly grouped.

Two gentlemen and three ladies,

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