Austenland Page #4

leaving you always to

bring up the rear alone.

If you'll excuse me,

I think I'm gonna

go to the library

for a little while.

Jane.

I'm reading.

You're not really allowed to read

down on the sluice gate. Okay?

You know, this is off-limits,

okay? This is...

This is really very

dangerous down here. Okay?

Anything could happen.

I mean,

I don't have to be reading.

I just...

Martin, come on.

I'll go crazy if I have to sit

up in that house all afternoon.

You love it up there.

All those guys

paid to adore you.

Come on, check out the butler.

He's got a 14-pack.

You're right,

I'm gonna go find him.

Yeah?

You win.

Looking from

the window above

It's like a story of life

Can you hear me?

Came back only yesterday

Who went further away

Want you near me

All I needed was

the love you gave

All I needed for another day

And all I ever knew

Only you

Sometimes when

I think of her name

When it's only a game

And I need you

Listen to the words

that you say

It's getting harder to stay

When I see you

Martin, the birds.

I'll see you later?

Yeah. I just gotta put away a few fake

birds. Maybe see you at the stables?

Okay.

Awful as spread, is this one.

But really. Never before...

I'm gonna need a new

inkwell in my room.

Are you?

Yeah, it's empty.

Really?

And what are you going to pen

while you're there?

Maybe a little journal

of your time and experiences?

Maybe the Declaration of Independence.

Really?

Sumptuous beans.

My favorite.

Yummy.

How does one go about

eating a fish this big?

They're so delicious!

Baked, stewed.

Refried.

Marvelous.

Everyone. I have great news.

Captain George East has just

arrived from the West Indies.

Good morning, ladies.

You're beautiful.

I hear you were

just made captain.

Do tell us the story.

Yes, we like stories. Please do.

Can't wait.

I were raised on the sea. Ferrying

goods between the islands.

But when Napoleon struck, I joined

arms with me British brothers.

Bravi, bravi.

Within months

I were first mate,

and then came my

moment of destiny.

Imagine one lone

British frigate,

surrounded by four

French war crafts,

cap'n dead on the deck.

"Surrender," came the cry.

Anyone buying this?

"Never," said I.

Did you die?

Now I were tempted to surrender,

but I had to hearten me men.

"Death first. "

But surely there could be

no dishonor in surrender

with your captain dead

and your men so outnumbered?

When my seaman's heart

tell me what to do,

I do not fear to

follow through.

That rhymes. That rhymes.

But right now,

my seaman's heart

bid me do thusly.

You are a most

sensual creature.

Thank you.

On.

I say.

Steady on, Captain.

This is absurd.

Oh!

Oh!

Watch out, Nobley.

No, don't get up

too quickly, George.

I believe the ladies are needed

in the drawing room

with Mrs. Wattlesbrook.

Lizzie darling.

I'll be along shortly.

I'm your humble servant,

My Lady.

Ladies,

please join me in the parlor

for my lecture series

on bonnets, bosoms and vices.

Hi.

Hey.

What do we have planned today?

What, you couldn't find anyone

else to flirt with today?

I saw you parading

around with those actors.

I thought you

weren't into that stuff.

Maybe I am.

Well, I've never

really been able to

respect the kind of

women that come here.

So I guess I was fooling myself

that you weren't one of them.

What, so are you

breaking up with me?

Breaking up?

I didn't realize

we were going steady.

No, sorry, I didn't mean it.

If I was sane when I shot

you, I would have aimed for your head.

Did you see that?

That was amazing, George.

I mean,

really beautiful acting.

I had to

drink human breast milk

supplements to get arms that big.

Ugh!

Mean...

Must be what makes

your hair so shiny.

Can I use your power socket?

But you'll have to turn off the telly.

George, do you mind?

Well, I...

Well, we'll watch it later.

Okay.

Welcome to the Pleasure Dome.

Thank you.

Hey, George.

Hey, Martin. You good?

Yeah.

Welcome back, eh.

How are the ladies

treating you this year?

Well, I can't complain.

I can't complain.

You really let yourself go.

What? Really? What?

Don't. Leave the boy alone.

How is life in the stables?

My horses are less

trouble than women.

What do you guys

think of that girl, Jane?

What's its name?

You know, Miss...

Erstwhile.

Yeah, I could

slap that between a bun.

Well, she's a bit peculiar.

She's hot.

She's all right.

No flower of her kindred

No rosebud is nigh

To reflect back her blushes

Give sigh for sigh

Perfect,

Lady Heartwright. Perfect.

I have no words to describe it.

I say.

I would die enraptured to hear

you play, Miss Erstwhile.

No, not tonight, not tonight.

Go on, go on.

Please.

Miss Erstwhile, I insist.

Okay.

Allow me.

Thank you.

I only really know one song.

Play that one then.

Not surprising.

So I'll just play that.

It's getting hot in here

So take off all your clothes

I am getting so hot

I'm gonna take my clothes off

I never

I think I will retire early.

That was frigging awesome.

Where are you going?

Whoa!

Sorry. Sorry.

I didn't know

I became a ninja when

startled in a strange place.

My father, if he were alive,

would die of shame.

And here was I thinking

that any father would be

delighted to have

a ninja as a daughter.

Excuse me.

Miss Erstwhile.

Yes.

I don't know if

you realize that

it's not proper in this

particular time, or any time,

for a lady to be

alone after dark...

Okay. Let alone cavorting

with the servants...

Cavort?

When doing so might lead to...

Did you just say "cavort"?

There's just something about

that guy I really don't...

Aren't you all righteous

concern, Mr. Nobley?

Thank goodness you've saved me from

sullying myself with the help.

Don't be so ridiculous.

Insufferable.

Well,

good evening, Miss Erstwhile.

Good evening,

Mr. Wattlesbrook.

Still awake, are you?

Up to some mischief, I hope.

Just needed some fresh air.

If you'll excuse me.

No, no, stay a moment.

We might engage in

a private game of whist.

That's a four-person game.

We could be partners.

Little wink-wink, little

nudge-nudge, under the table.

I think I should go to bed now.

Precisely my point.

No.

This is so not

Regency appropriate!

We can make it part of the game.

Do a little role play.

Get off of me.

Get off of me!

Miss Erstwhile?

Are you all right?

Whatever is the matter? I didn't

have time to locate my breeches.

Why, Mr. Wattlesbrook,

not again.

Little slag attacked me!

Well, obviously.

She is a ninja.

Come here.

I have to tell you,

the lads are not gonna

cover up for you anymore.

I promise you.

Just don't tell the missus!

Well, I won't

tell the missus, but...

I'll escort

you to your room.

I'm okay now.

Thank you. I just...

As long as there aren't any other

Mr. Wattlesbrooks lurking around.

I cannot give Andrews

a glowing reference,

though I do believe

you could take him down.

Miss Erstwhile, are you sure there's

nothing more I can do for you?

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