Austenland Page #5

I'm fine.

I should just go to bed.

Good night.

Apparently I bought

the cheap package.

The cheap package?

You kidding me?

No.

I don't even think

my character gets

the "happily ever

after" storyline.

I am going to kill

that travel agent.

I'm so mad I wasted

all my money.

Okay, enough is enough.

You just need to come home

and buy your Tercel back.

Molly, I'm kind of

a mess, aren't I?

That's an understatement.

I wanna get over

all of this stuff,

but if I leave now,

I'll always wonder "What if?"

So, what are you gonna do?

I'm going to take

charge of my story.

An Austen heroine gets engaged

by the end of the book,

so that is what

I'm going to do.

Why don't you go

for Captain East?

Look how hot he is.

And he's a soap star.

Captain East?

Okay. East it is.

But can you help me, please?

I mean, this is not gonna work.

I've prepared my entire life

for this very moment.

Someone's coming, hurry up.

Heartwright had

millions of them.

She's as dumb as a light post.

She'll never notice.

Oh, my God.

Look at this one.

I love stealing

things from her.

Watch my mouth.

Blast.

Blast.

Good. Good.

Bloody Americans.

Bloody Americans.

You got it.

You are the queen.

Really?

Her hair is Harlow gold

Her lips sweet surprise

Her hands are never cold

She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll turn the music on you

You won't have

to think twice

She's pure as New York snow

She got Bette Davis eyes

And she'll tease you

She'll unease you

All the better

just to please you

She's precocious

And she knows just

What it takes

to make a pro blush

...the family

name's not Nobley at all,

and that's a French affectation.

In fact, it's Knobble.

Knobble, just Knobble.

You can tell by the way he uses his

chalk that he's a ladies' man.

He doesn't have time for

that kind of conversation.

Don't mind me.

It's unusual

sometimes, but he is rather shy.

Do you think he hears us?

He doesn't look over and yet

his expressions and mannerisms

are a bit too determined,

don't you think?

Right you are, Miss Erstwhile.

'Course I hear you.

Have to be deaf not to the way

you lot are prattling on.

I say, Nobley, you are being

awfully tedious today.

Good one.

You know, alone with the chaps,

he's really quite

a pleasant fellow.

Really?

Yes.

No, baby.

My little kumquat.

You made yourself all wet.

Allow me.

Oh.

Look at you, all moist.

Couldn't you just

use a handkerchief?

Captain.

Perhaps I don't find the

conversation of women to be

stimulating.

I just can't imagine

why you're still single.

Don't see a ring

on your finger.

Nobley.

No, no, no, it's all right.

I asked for it.

I am single

because, apparently,

the only good

men are fictional.

Touch.

And you think that there's

any good women out there?

No, no, no.

They profess

honesty and fidelity,

and while you're away

lecturing in Switzerland,

they run off to

Brazil with your mate!

Get on with

the game, you old windbag!

Someone departing?

That's my trunk.

I have discovered an unmentionable

amongst your things.

Now I believe I

made it perfectly clear

about the rules,

Miss Erstwhile.

We thank you for your stay,

but I regret that

your actions have

forced me to cut it short.

What?

First, that horrid

little song and now this.

You're really

gonna kick me out?

I'm afraid it is

time for you to leave.

Go get 'em, Charming.

I'm so sorry, Jane.

If you would be so kind

as to step on to the cart.

Mrs. Wattlesbrook.

Please, wait.

This is all my fault.

The modern contraption is mine.

I did not realize I had

it until I first arrived.

And I was so distressed,

Miss Erstwhile kindly offered

to keep it for me

where I would not have to

look upon the eyesore...

Oh. Well,

I see.

So, apparently this appears

to be an accident,

and I think the best thing is we

should pretend like it never happened.

Lady Heartwright,

I do so hope that you will

continue to honor us

with your presence.

Yes. Of course.

Thank you.

I forbid you to leave,

ever, Miss Erstwhile.

We were just getting

to know each other.

Miss Erstwhile.

Yeah. Hi.

Thank you for back there

with Mrs. Wattlesbrook.

It was a pleasure to save you.

And, please,

you must call me Amelia.

Really?

Make haste.

Quickly.

Amelia?

Dear Jane, now that

we are bosom sisters,

I can at last

confide in someone.

Oh, Janey,

last year, at the ball,

Georgie...

George East and I

became engaged.

It is true.

But alas, he was a poor sailor,

and my father broke off the

engagement without my assent.

If I try to

explain this to him now,

George will think

I only want him back

because he has

become a wealthy captain.

What am I to do?

I sort of thought you were

into Nobley, or is that not...

No, no, no!

Dear Jane, I know

you will help me

find a way to be

alone with Captain East.

I don't really

know what I could do.

It pained me to be so dishonest

with Mrs. Wattlesbrook

back there.

But so long as you

are my dearest friend,

I'll keep your secret.

Oh.

Or should I say secrets?

Farewell, bosom sister.

You know, I think being creative

is a waste of time and money.

Well, I love ribbons

and feathers and colors.

Another blue tit,

please, Miss Charming.

All right, but don't

copy everything I do.

I'll try.

We're not worthy,

Mrs. Wattlesbrook.

Their hearts will positively

burst from the rapture.

I have something of the

utmost urgency to report.

Who's game for

a bit of amusement?

Me! Me! I'm so bored.

Well, well, my cupcake,

Mrs. Wattlesbrook has only

gone and surpassed herself

and has completed

a brilliant theatrical.

You don't look like

you could read or write.

It's just a trifle.

Now, there are six parts.

Three sets of lovers.

And I thought, give us something

to pass the time until the ball,

we could rehearse

it and perform it

for our illustrious

and distinguished authoress.

Now are there any questions?

No.

No what?

You can't make me do a play.

It's humiliating.

That's not a question. It's out

of the question, I'm afraid.

I've got a question.

Who gets to pick the lovers?

Well, I'm thinking

maybe ladies' choice.

You know, maybe alphabetically.

Goody, goody.

Eeny, meeny, miny... You!

Ma chrie.

And you, Miss Erstwhile?

Pick wisely, Jane.

I guess Mr. Nobley.

Sorry. Sorry.

That's okay.

Sorry.

Okay, since we have to spend so

much time rehearsing this thing,

let's just... Let's try

not to annoy each other.

You don't annoy me.

You make me nervous.

So, are you enjoying your stay?

Really?

We're making small talk now?

Okay.

Well, the house is amazing, but

it's kind of like a corset.

I like the way it looks,

but it's just...

Hard to relax in it.

Yes, exactly.

But there is so

much to love here.

I mean, the civility.

The manners.

The grandeur, you know.

Simplicity.

The men.

The women.

The paintings.

They're really...

Yes, you are an artist.

No, no, no.

The thing is, those aren't real.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes