Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me Page #6

Well, it looks like you

have a choice, Mr. Powers--

save the world...

or save your girlfriend.

Don't worry about me, Austin.

You've got to save the world.

Kill him!

Fire the laser.

Target locking.

God!

Laser set to full vitality.

Judo kick!

You may have won the battle,

Mr. Powers...

but you lost the war.

Wake up, Felicity. Wake up!

Escape pod ninety-five.

I love you, Felicity.

I love you.

Dr. Evil! Ill kill him!

Gotcha!

You shot me, you a-hole.

And now Im going to kill you.

Before you do that...

know this...

I am your father.

Really?

No, not really.

I can't back that up.

Right. Idiot. Yes.

But isn't it interesting,

Mr. Powers...

that you would rather kill me...

than save

your precious Felicity?

What do you mean?

Remember, there's a time portal

in the main chamber.

You could go back and save her.

Ill do that.

Good work!

Well, it looks like you

have a choice, Mr. Powers--

save the world

or save your girlfriend.

Don't worry about me, Austin.

You gotta save the world.

I choose love, baby.

Wait a tick. Who are you?

Im you, ten minutes from now.

Damn it! You are handsome.

I was just thinking the same.

We are sexy.

We are sexy b*tches. Yeah!

All right.

This is ri-goddamn-diculous.

Kill them both!

Fire the laser.

Listen, past Austin...

can you save the world

while I go get the girl?

Sure, Austin-from-

ten-minutes-from-now.

Lock in target.

Laser set to full vitality.

Come on. Are you all right?

Yeah, come on.

You all right?

You OK?

Say, what's the policy

on mnage a trois?

You are adorable!

Looking for this, Mr. Powers?

My mojo.

Self-destruct in

two minutes and counting.

Watch out!

See you in hell, Powers.

Hey, Austin-from-

ten-minutes-from-now!

This place is gonna blow.

Let's go. Come on.

Thirty seconds and counting.

Twenty-nine...

-Let's go.

-My mojo!

We have to go now.

My mojo. Im useless without it.

You've had it all along.

What do you mean?

You defeated Dr. Evil,

you saved the world...

and believe me,

you're gonna get the girl.

All right then, maybe later.

Yeah, come on.

Go!

Ill set the controls for 1967.

Felicity, why don't you come

with me to 1999?

I don't know.

The Sixties were so groovy.

I want to see what happens

in the Seventies and Eighties.

The Seventies and the Eighties?

You're not missing anything.

I looked into it.

There's a gas shortage

and a Flock of Seagulls.

That's about it.

Let's go.

I love you, Austin Powers.

And I love you,

Felicity Shagwell.

Wherever we go...

there we are.

Special delivery.

Surprise, surprise.

Listen, missy,

do you fancy another go?

'Cause once you've had fat,

you never go back.

You shut your mouth,

you bastard...

who is fat.

Yeah, that's very good.

Before you kill us,

let me ask you one question.

Are you happy?

What kind of stupid ass

question is that?

Im rich, and Im dead sexy.

You didn't answer my question.

Are you happy?

Of course Im not happy.

Look at me, Im a big fat slob.

Ive got bigger titties

than you do.

Ive got more chins

than a Chinese phone book.

Ive not seen my willie

in two years...

which is long enough

to declare it legally dead.

I can't stop eating.

I eat because Im unhappy.

Im unhappy because I eat.

Its a vicious cycle.

If you'll excuse me...

there's someone I have to get

in touch with and forgive.

Myself.

Oh, God.

Sorry, I farted.

Its a long road ahead.

Who am I kidding?

Im going to kill you anyway.

Judo chop!

Right in the mommy-daddy button!

That's for calling me crap,

you fatty.

Listen, baby, I don't care

if he is a Fat Bastard...

you don't give a man

a shot in the pills.

Its just not cricket.

Do you think Ill be happy

here in the Nineties?

Well, I know the Nineties

might sound boring...

but as far as Im concerned...

Ive brought the best part

of the Sixties back with me.

You.

Wait a minute.

Where are you going?

Did we get Dr. Evil?

No. He got away in that rocket

that looks like a huge...

Penis.

The male reproductive organ.

Also known as tally whacker,

schlong, or...

Wiener?

Any of you kids

want another wiener?

Dad, what's that?

I don't know, son,

but it's got great big...

Nuts! Hot, salty nuts!

Who wants some?

Lord almighty!

That looks just like

my husband's...

One-eyed monster.

Step right up and see

the one-eyed monster!

Hey, what's that?

It looks like a big...

Woody! Woody Harrelson?

Can I have your autograph?

Sure, no problem.

Oh, my Lord. Look at that thing.

Its so big.

Ive seen bigger. That's...

Just a little prick.

Its a flu shot.

You've been

in the coldness of space.

I don't want you to get sick.

Its one thing to attack me.

Its quite another

to attack my Mini-Me.

Im gonna get you,

Austin Powers.

Im gonna get you.

Thank you. Welcome back.

Today we're doing a follow-up...

to a segment

we did several months ago...

on Fathers who are trying

to take over the world.

Let's begin with Scott Evil.

What's going on with your dad?

Well, my dad tried to take

over the world...

with a giant laser on the moon.

I know.

We have a surprise for you.

What, my dad?

No, it's not your father.

Its your mother.

Come on out.

Mom?

Scott, you are my love child

with Dr. Evil.

I thought

I was a test-tube baby.

Lies. All lies!

I love you, Mom.

I love you, too, son.

Thank you.

You know,

what have we learned here today?

Perhaps it's that

no one can take your mojo.

You can look around

all you want...

but what you're really trying

to find is on the inside.

Take care of yourself

and each other.

I think Im gonna like it

in the Nineties.

I never knew

it could be this way!

Oh, baby, baby, baby.

That's good.

How could you?

I thought that--

Past Austin?

Technically,

it's not cheating, baby.

Felicity, I can't blame you.

The man is handsome, baby!

We're just plain handsome, man.

Am I wrong,

but this makes me horny, baby.

Very randy!

Well, one thing's for sure--

Ive got my mojo back.

Its definitely back.

Hello. You all right?

Me spuds are boiling.

Come on, darling,

let's hop on the good foot...

and do the bad thing.

Paging Dr. Freud.

Hello up there.

Is the movie over?

Im still down here...

and Im still in

quite a lot of pain.

Maybe someone in the lobby

could call an ambulance.

Oh, the pain

is really quite severe.

I've fashioned

a makeshift splint.

Here goes nothing.

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