Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me Page #5

Just the two of us

Just the two of us

Just the two of us

Building castles in the sky

Just the two of us

You and l

You've got this packed

really tight.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I just got a bit

of a back cramp, that's all.

Just keep packing it in.

God.

I found the explosives.

Help me check them.

You're surrounded!

Drop your weapons!

Hands up!

Move out!

Ladies and gentlemen,

in just a few moments...

we're going to place

a giant laser on the moon.

From my Death Star...

I will destroy

every city on the planet.

Get off of me.

Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell...

welcome to my

hollowed-out volcano.

This is my associate

Fat Bastard.

Felicity, I think you two

may have already met.

Unfortunately.

Is that all the thanks I get

for the night of hot sex?

Im dead sexy.

You were crap!

In your dreams.

Felicity would never

sleep with you.

Right?

I did what I had to do.

Im a secret agent.

What?

All right, that's enough,

Fat Bastard.

As much as I like

seeing Powers in agony--

and I do--

the thought of you naked

is just gross.

You can't stop me now,

Mr. Powers.

I have your mojo...

and Im taking it with me

to the moon.

Put them in a jail cell.

My mojo! Ill get you, Dr. Evil!

Look at me, Im shaking

in my little space boots.

I want my mojo!

Great plan, Einstein.

You're gonna put him in a cell

with one inept guard...

and they'll escape!

God, you do this every time!

You know, Scott...

Ive been a frickin' evil doctor

for thirty frickin' years, OK?

Cut me some frickin' slack.

You forget, Scott,

we're in a volcano.

We're surrounded

by liquid hot magma.

What are you drawing?

Its just a good-bye card,

that's all.

Its sweet.

Hey, get him. Get the baby!

Back off.

Simmer down. Simmer down.

He's my posse.

You take special care of him.

He's my special boy.

Attention, prepare for launch.

Repeat, all technicians

to launch position.

Gentlemen,

Im about to go to the moon.

Initiate pre-launch sequence.

Main rocket engines, ignition.

Frau...

begin the countdown.

Five...four...

three...two--

Frau!

Begin the countdown at thirty.

Thirty!

twenty-nine...twenty-eight...

twenty-seven...

twenty-six...twenty-five...

twenty-four...twenty-three...

twenty-two...twenty-one...

twenty...nineteen...

eighteen....

seventeen...sixteen...

fifteen...fourteen...thirteen--

You know what?

When the doors close...

just say go. Better.

Go!

Colonel, you better

take a look at this radar.

What is it, son?

I don't know, sir.

But it looks like

a giant--

-Dick!

-Yeah?

Take a look out of starboard.

Oh, my God,

it looks like a huge--

-Pecker!

-Oh, where?

Wait, that's not a woodpecker.

It looks like someone's--

Privates!

We have reports of

an unidentified flying object.

It is a long, smooth shaft,

complete with--

Two balls! What is that?

That looks just

like an enormous--

Wang! Pay attention.

I was distracted by

that enormous flying--

-Willie...

-Yeah?

What's that?

Well, it looks

like a giant--

-Johnson?!

-Yes, sir.

Call British Intelligence

and let them know about this.

What do we do?

Why don't you just shag

Fat Bastard again?

This is no time to get jealous.

How could you do it?

I was just doing my job.

No, I mean literally,

how could you do it?

The man's so fat...

the sheer mechanics of it

are mind-boggling.

Don't lay your hang-ups on me,

just 'cause you lost your mojo.

Ouch, baby.

Very ouch.

Look, Austin,

we're running out of time.

Im sorry.

I just did what I thought you

would do in the same situation.

You're the reason

that I became a spy.

I thought I wanted to be you,

but then I realized that...

I want to be with you.

You do?

Hang on, baby.

Alleyoop!

We should talk about this later.

First we need to get past

that one inept guard.

Right, here's the plan.

What if I pretend to be ill

with food poisoning?

The guard, drawn by my cries

of pain, comes to investigate.

Meanwhile, you dig a pit...

line it with makeshift

punji sticks...

made from sharpened

toothbrushes.

The guard falls in,

Bob's your uncle, we escape.

What do you think?

That might work,

but what about this?

What do you think of these?

Mommy.

What a...burn?

That sort of thing

could get a man...fired.

I think he was...

hot...for...you.

-That's enough.

-Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to my moon base.

You've all been chosen to be

part of my elite moon unit.

Which is divided into

two divisions...

Moon Unit Alpha...

and Moon Unit Zappa.

In exactly six hours...

the moon will move

in its orbit around the earth...

bringing Washington D.C.

within range of my giant...

laser.

Begin laser...

ignition sequence.

Begin laser ignition!

Attention, Moon Unit Zappa

to firing stations.

Initiation sequence in progress.

OK, all right.

All I asked for was a frickin'

rotating chair, OK?

Getting a little afraid.

I need an old priest

and a young priest.

The power of Christ compels you.

The power of Christ compels you.

Sick as a dog now.

Gonna vomit.

We need to hitch a ride

to the moon, baby.

Apollo Eleven is good to go.

Crew to all stations.

We will have liftoff

in T minus five seconds...

four...three...two.

We have liftoff.

Apollo Eleven

has cleared the tower...

and is heading

for a rendezvous with the moon.

Arm the laser.

Arming the laser!

Attention,

arming the Death Star.

Battle stations.

Laser on!

All crew at battle stations.

Get me the president.

You're gonna like this part,

Mini-Me.

This is the part where

we threaten the world leader.

I know we do it every time,

however it is important to--

Where are you?

Can someone put a frickin' bell

on him or something?

Great!

Somebody get the stick.

Just grab on to the hook,

all right?

You complete me.

I love you.

Hang in there, Mini-Me.

If anything

should happen to you...

I don't know what I would do.

Id probably move on,

get another replica.

But there'd be

a ten-minute period there...

when I would just be

inconsolable.

We have your money, Dr. Evil,

but it wasn't easy.

Papa has to do some work, OK?

Well, you have exactly

thirty minutes to get it to me.

Ciao.

Jiminy jumpin' Jesus,

I can't believe

we're gonna pay that madman.

I got nukes up the ying-yang.

Just let me launch one,

for God's sake.

Are you suggesting

that we blow up the moon?

Would you miss it?

Would you miss it?

Mission control,

the swinger has landed.

Airlock, open.

Re-pressurize.

Let's find Dr. Evil.

Enjoy your stay on the moon.

There he is.

Ill cover your rear.

No, you go ahead.

This time it's personal.

No more.

I can't take it anymore.

Peace?

You brought my glasses.

Bless your little heart.

Well, that's not right.

Don't--That's just--

Now Im pissed.

Judo flip!

Poor little bugger.

He's so small.

He's like a dog or something.

Poor little bugger.

Get off!

Get out of my suit!

It tickles. It tickles.

Gotcha!

Poor little bugger.

I salute you.

All right, slap-head.

Turn around.

Where's my mojo?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes