Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me Page #4

I think we could get down

to some serious business here.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I don't like that insolent tone.

-l meant nothing by it.

-You want to run things?

No, not at all.

You want to be Daddy,

is that it?

Number Two, you want to wear

the Daddy pants?

You gonna cry?

You gonna cry?

What are you doing?

Are you gonna squirt some?

You gonna cry?

See, you were gonna cry.

You're a big man now, huh?

Yeah, thought so.

About what happened last night--

You don't have to explain.

You don't understand.

You see...

Ive lost my mojo.

Oh, so that's why you--

I thought you didn't like me.

Oh, no, baby.

You're very shagadelic.

I just didn't want

to fall in love again...

and I thought you'd never

love me without my mojo.

Its not you.

You're fab, switched on,

a bit of all right. Yes!

That is so great.

There's something

I should tell you, too.

Last night, I planted

a homing device on Fat Bastard.

Smashing, baby.

Then we can track down

Fat Bastard...

get my mojo,

go back to my place...

hop on the good foot

and do the bad thing. Yes!

But there's more.

In order to get close

to Fat Bastard, I had to--

Hello, hello.

The signal's coming through.

He's at Paddington Station.

Let's go!

-We're close, baby.

-This way.

Straight--no, no, left.

Through here.

We've got him.

Private, bring up the ram.

Go, go, go!

Where is he?

Oh, my God!

Fat Bastard left a floater!

In the name

of all things sacred...

that is the most

foul-smelling thing ever!

Somebody flush it down!

No, nobody touch anything.

We have to get the sample

to the lab to be analyzed.

Im gonna give.

Austin, there you are.

Has the sample been analyzed?

Cor, baby.

You look very shagadelic!

But do we really have

to be here, Felicity?

I mean, it's so boring.

I don't believe in science.

When it comes to the spy game,

to me, it's all instinct.

-Hello, everybody.

-Hello, Basil.

The results are in.

We've discovered trace elements

of a rare vegetable...

found only on one island,

here, in the Caribbean.

What does it all mean, Basil?

It means that this is

the location of Dr. Evil's lair.

Smashing, Basil.

Cor!

This coffee smells like sh*t.

It is sh*t, Austin.

Oh, good, then it's not just me.

Its a bit nutty.

Excuse me, Dr. Evil.

I have to speak to you

about this Mini-Me.

He's not fitting in?

Is he giving off too much

of a creepy Oompa Loompa vibe?

No, it's just that he bites.

He's a biter.

What's wrong, Mini-Me?

Something you want to tell us?

Teething.

Get me the president

of the United States of America!

Oh, he's on.

What do you want, Dr. Evil?

Mr. President,

in twelve hours...

I will destroy Washington D.C.

with this giant laser.

What the--?

Mini-Me, stop humping the laser.

OK, honest to God...

why don't you and the giant

laser get a frickin' room?

Mr. President, after

I destroy Washington D.C...

I will destroy another major

city every hour on the hour.

That is, unless, of course,

you pay me...

one hundred billion dollars.

Dr. Evil, this is 1969.

That amount of money

doesn't even exist.

That's like saying, l want

a kajillion bajillion dollars.

Come on, Mr. President,

show me the money.

Show you what money?

Show me the money,

show me the money.

You had me at hello.

Tear. Nothing? No?

Psst! Its 1969.

Jerry Maguire won't come out

for another thirty years.

Nobody knows what

you're talking about, ass.

Scott, Daddy's working, OK?

And when you're

in the main chamber...

try and use

the big boy voice, OK?

Thank you.

Mr. President,

allow me to demonstrate...

the awesome lethality

of the Alan Parsons Project.

Fire the laser!

Damage report! Damage report!

Its OK.

Its all right. Come on.

Actually, that was footage

from Independence Day...

but the real laser

would be a lot like that.

Yeah, scary.

Now, Dr. Evil--

Talk to the hand, 'cause

the face don't want to hear it.

What hand? Talk to your hand?

You ain't all that

and a bag of potato chips.

What are you talking about?

Don't go there, girlfriend.

Whose girlfriend?

Don't mess with me,

Im one crazy mo-fo.

I had to pop a cop...

'cause he wasn't giving me

my props in Oaktown.

No? I heard that somewhere.

You're an idiot.

Mr. President, I think

we have an understanding.

Dr. Evil, what are our plans

regarding Austin Powers?

Austin Powers?

He's the snake to my mongoose.

Or the mongoose to my snake.

Either way, it's bad.

I don't know animals.

But I do know this--

This time it's personal.

Kill him.

There's Dr. Evil's island.

Let's set up camp.

Be careful with that bag!

There's explosives in it.

This could be dangerous.

What if God was one of us?

Just a slob like one of us

Well done, very good.

Dr. Evil, that was fantastic.

Thank you, Number Two.

I wrote that, yeah.

Dad, he put this in my bed.

Who?

Your stupid mini-you.

He put road kill in my sheets!

What--Mini-Me,

don't you ever do that again.

You hear me,

don't you ever do that again!

I can't stay mad at you.

Look at that punum.

Dr. Evil's headquarters

is right over that next ridge.

Let me look.

Damn it. How do we get in?

Hello, Mummy.

Can I have some chocolates?

I want some Mars Bars.

Don't smack my bottom, Mummy.

Sorry, love.

I got stuck

in your dirty pillows.

Let's look at the map.

Austin, what's our plan?

According to this map...

the entire island is crawling

with Dr. Evil's guards.

I want to make sure

the explosives didn't get wet...

but I can't find them.

Look in the bottom.

OK, Ill dig a little deeper.

Wow, this bag is really full.

Just keep digging, darling.

Ill just feel around for them.

Good lord, Austin.

What do you keep in here?

Anything that catches

my fancy, you know.

Give it a good tug.

Do we really need this?

Ill ask you not to open that

inside, thank you very much.

Oh, my God.

Oops, it went off.

Yes, it does that

from time to time.

Eww. Yuck.

Yeah, that's nasty.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Smelly.

These people make me sick.

Can you snap me a beer?

What is it?

Its a gerbil.

How did that get in your bag?

I don't know.

Dr. Evil, we have a problem.

Austin Powers is on the island.

Bring him to me...alive.

You.

Hit it!

This is

a very sensitive subject.

Just the two of us

Just the two of us

From the moment I heard

Frau say I had a clone

I knew that I'd be safe

'cause I'd never be alone

An evil doctor shouldn't

speak aloud about his feelings

My hurt and my pain

don't make me too appealin'

Id hoped Scott

would look up to me

Run the business of the family

Head an evil empire

just like his dear old dad

Give him my love

and the things I never had

Scott would think

I was a cool guy

Return the love I have,

make me want to cry

Be evil,

but have my feelings, too

Change my life with

Oprah and Maya Angelou

But Scott rejected me,

c'est la vie

Life is cruel,

treats you unfairly

Even so, a God there must be

Mini-Me, you complete me

Just the two of us

We can make it if we try

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