Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me Page #3

I fear it might be gangrenous.

The wound is beginning to smell

a little like almonds...

which is not good.

Please?

No one?

Sorry.

Ill try the other leg.

Two of my assassins are dead.

I will not tolerate failure.

Im the man who will

maintain the dignity...

of this evil organization.

What the hell was that?

Volcanic eruption!

May I present to you my spy

in the Ministry of Defense...

Fat Bastard.

First things first!

Where's your shitter?

Ive got a turtle head

poking out.

Charming.

Im not kidding.

I got a crap on deck

that could choke a donkey.

Its squidgey!

Christ, Im getting

all emotional from it, you know?

Right.

Fat Bastard,

could I have my mojo, please?

Where's my money?

All right, give him his money.

Jesus Christ, he's tiny!

Ive had bigger chunks of corn

in my crap.

Wait a minute.

He kinda looks like a baby.

Come here! Im gonna eat you!

Im bigger than you.

Im higher on the food chain.

Get in my belly!

Come on!

You're lucky, wee man!

Can I have a hug?

Let me make you a deal,

all right?

You get the mojo,

you keep your money...

and Ill get your baby.

Right.

I want my baby back, baby back

Baby back, baby back,

baby back ribs

I want my baby back, baby back

Baby back, baby back,

baby back ribs

Excuse me.

Chili

Baby back ribs

Dr. Evil, what are we

going to do about Powers?

Austin Powers

is no longer a threat to me.

I have his mojo.

All right, everyone,

you're dismissed.

Private time.

Dr. Evil, I don't want this

to interfere with our work.

Don't worry, mama.

Things won't get weird.

One for me...

and one for my homies.

Herr Doktor.

So what happened here?

Apparently a rogue agent

named Fat Bastard...

infiltrated the unit...

assigned to guard

your cryogenic chamber.

He used some sort of nerve gas.

These men don't

remember a thing.

Captain, why don't you...

cross-check

Fat Bastard's profile...

with the mainframe at Langley?

Yes, ma'am.

Can I borrow that, please?

Thank you.

Look at me.

Im a sexy b*tch, baby. Yeah!

You're a Popsicle, yes.

And Im spent.

Let's go, baby, yeah!

Hey there. How are you?

Come on, Felicity.

Yeah, babe.

Shall we sit down?

This is great.

Groovy!

So, Austin,

what's the future like?

Well,

everyone has a flying car...

entire meals

come in pill form...

and the Earth is ruled

by damned dirty apes!

Oh, my God!

Had you for a second.

You can have me for even longer,

if you want.

You're one groovy baby...

baby.

Too many babies.

Dont you dare move.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Burt Bacharach...

and Mr. Elvis Costello.

What do you get

when you fall in love?

A guy with a pin

to burst your bubble

Would you care to dance?

I'd love to.

For all your trouble

Ill

Never fall in love again

Ill never fall in love again

Don't tell me

what it's all about

'Cause Ive been there

and Im glad Im out

Out of the those chains,

those chains that bind you

That is why

Im here to remind you

What do you get

when you fall in love?

You only get lies

and pain and sorrow

So for at least until tomorrow

Ill

Never fall in love again

Ill

Never fall in love

Again

You're quite good on your feet.

Im even better off my feet.

Oh, behave, baby.

-Hi.

-Hi there.

How are things?

Good, Herr Doktor. And you?

Great.

Just taking a break?

Try the Hot Pockets.

They're breathtaking.

It got weird, didn't it?

-Ja.

-l knew it.

You haven't called.

We talked about this.

We promised each other

it wouldn't get weird.

I can't let my feelings

for you interfere...

with my taking over the world,

you know that.

You know,

I will never love another man.

Yes, that's true.

Dr. Evil, Im late.

No, you got here right on time.

No, I mean Im late.

Dad.

Hey there, sport.

What are you doing here?

I was just thinking that maybe

we could work all this out.

After all, you are my father.

Scott, you had your chance, OK?

I already had someone

created in my image.

He's evil, he wants

to take over the world...

and he fits easily

into most overhead storage bins.

Him?

Look at him, he's crazy.

He's like a vicious

little Chihuahua thing.

He'll kill me

the first chance he gets.

Probably.

I love you.

I am a sexy b*tch. Yes.

Felicity,

make yourself at home, baby.

What do you think of

my shag pad, darling?

Its amazing, Austin.

Wait a tick.

That's how my mojo was stolen.

Fat Bastard.

She's a professional agent.

She's not interested

in shagging!

Please, God.

Spectacles, testicles,

wallet, and watch.

Austin, Im waiting.

How about one of

your world-famous massages?

You mean a sensual massage?

Right, then.

OK, here we go. Yes.

Wait a minute,

something's itching me.

That's better.

Crikey.

How does that feel, baby?

Lower.

How does that feel, baby?

What?

You don't have to be cute

with me.

We're way past that.

We are?

What do you think?

Listen, Felicity...

Im sorry.

I can't do this.

I have to go.

Is it me?

I can't explain.

Hello, Agent Shagwell.

Where's Austin?

I must've said something wrong,

so he just left all of a sudden.

Listen, I don't want you

getting too close to Austin.

Its not meant to be.

I don't get too close

to anybody, Basil.

My interest in this case

is purely professional.

Good.

Then you won't mind tracking

down Fat Bastard tonight.

No problem.

We need you to plant

this homing device on him...

by any means necessary.

No problem.

Keep up the good work.

Remember,

by any means necessary.

Look at yourself.

You used to be so virile.

You were a swinger, man.

And now you're nothing.

But at least

it can't get any worse.

Well, surprise, surprise, huh!

Look at that meal.

Im dead sexy.

Look at my sexy body.

Oh, look, Im like a singer.

Oh, sexy man, sexy man

Eating like a sexy man can

By the way,

would you like some chicken?

Ive got more.

No, thanks.

What have we got here?

Done with that.

All right, that's done.

Remember,

by any means necessary.

Frisky, are we?

Give it up!

Ladies and gentlemen...

we're about to begin phase two

of our evil project...

or is it phase--

I don't know phases.

Anyways, this is the phase...

in which we put

a giant laser on the moon.

As you know, the moon rotates

around the Earth, like so.

When the moon reaches...

its appropriate

lunar alignment...

it will destroy

Washington D.C.

You see, Ive turned the moon...

into what I like to call

a Death Star.

-What?

-Nothing, Darth.

What did you call me?

Nothing. Rip-off!

Bless you.

Anyways, the key to this plan

is the giant laser.

It was invented by the noted

Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons.

Therefore, we shall call it

the Alan Parsons Project.

Oh, my God.

What now?

The Alan Parsons Project is a

progressive rock band in 1982.

Why don't you just call it

Operation Wang Chung, ass?

What should we--

Im sure Operation Bananarama

will be huge.

What are you saying?

-If you wanted--

-Shh!

Trying to be hip--

WWW.shh.com.org.

-You're so--

-Shh!

If we could put aside

the family squabbling...

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