Authors Anonymous Page #6

than Charlie at dak to.

Since sigrid works at a

hardware store, they're gonna

let her favorite author

sign a few books.

More than a few books.

Many, many books ya?

Ya strudel.

Many, many books.

Attention shoppers.

Famous author Mr. John k butzin

signing new best seller

at front of store.

John k butzin.

Also special today in

plumbing department.

Ballcocks, two for one.

All customers guaranteed for

to be satisfied, ya.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, strudel.

Looks like John k butzin

is shooting blanks today.

Author, author!

There he is!

Look at this. The

cavalry has arrived.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

John, we would never

miss your signing.

Congratulations, John.

Book signing!

Thank you. What a nice

surprise this is.

Where's the, uh,

bukowski wanna be?

I think he's gonna... he

said he'd meet us later.

Kids a big turd anyway.

Never cared for him.

Maybe he is. Maybe

I should go check.

Maybe you should.

This is in Chinese.

Hmm?

Oh, the international

edition, ya.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's uh...

We're breaking with that first.

Oh wow.

Is this a dog?

Because it's a lion

in the title...

You see in the particular

province in China

where we're breaking...

The dog replaces the lion.

Oh, of course.

Alan, open the champagne.

Come on. You can

open it any day now.

Yep. I'm right on that honey.

That hardware store

manager told me that today

was their most successful

book signing ever.

I don't know how many other

book signings they've had,

but he says mine was

the most successful.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten.

Eleven books-

She used one to

prop open the door.

Ten books.

Ten books. That means

there's ten families in

California who have books

written by melville,

Hemingway, Clancy, and butzin.

It's a humbling thought.

I've made an important

decision as group leader.

I've decided to ask

William to leave the group.

Now it has absolutely

nothing to do with

that incident at our house.

I believe Colette.

I believe William.

It has nothing to do with

the fact that I'm now

sleeping in my guest room.

Let's face it.

The kid's a slacker.

No contribution to the group.

Zero. Zip. Nada.

I'm sure he'll be fine with it.

There's no need to be so upset.

Fine.

I was gonna quit anyway,

ya bunch of losers.

With your stupid recorder,

and your stupid ideas,

and your stupid character names.

And you.

Gi Joe over here.

With your self

published piece of crap.

When are you gonna realize

nobody's gonna make a movie

out of roaring lion?

Just ignore him.

And you know what...

The great Henry o.

Man, you got the gift bro.

The only problem is you've got

your head so far up your ass

over sweet, successful

Hannah here...

Lucky Hannah.

I'm just as good a

writer as you are.

But you sure do look good

in a mini skirt, don't ya?

Hey, that's enough.

I don't need any of you.

I don't need any more of your

pitiful pedestrian feedback.

You've got three goddamn pages.

And they are great

three goddamn pages.

You just don't

appreciate my dedication.

You are a pretend

writer, William.

She's right.

You act the part.

You hit on women, and

you quote bukowski.

But people like bukowski

do the work do the work.

They write. Every day

they write.

And that's your problem.

You don't do the work.

I don't do the work?

Man, that sounds fricking

hilarious coming from you.

When was the last time

you wrote anything?

Hey guys.

Not the sign!

Oh!

Angry young man.

Oh, Alan.

Ok, uh...

Moving on. Next item.

Richard broadwell is

going to be doing a

book signing next Saturday.

Who wants to go?

I'll go.

Alright.

Idea for novel.

Jealous husband murders tramp

of a wife and buries her

chopped up body in the backyard.

Mr. broadwell, I just...

Wanna say that.

Mr. broadwell, you've

inspired my writing.

Hi, I'm Henry.

I just think you're

the greatest-

Henry. Henry, let me tell

you something. Ok?

One day, I'm going to have a

book signing just like this.

No, I will not be going to that

book signing for Richard

whatever his name is, ok?

No.

John k butzin, author,

doesn't stand in lines.

No. This-

this soon to be best-selling

author, is spending every

minute, every nickel that

he has on promoting his

own book, roaring lion.

Thank you.

Strudel, would you check

my sales ranking, please?

One million, six hundred,

and forty-four thousand,

nine hundred and seventy-three.

That's great. I mean look at how

far I've moved up already.

Tom Clancy.

Twelve.

Next please.

What's your name?

What?

Sir, your name?

Henry.

Henry.

What? Absolutely not.

I'll sue the bastard first.

Thank you.

Yeah, are you kidding me?

Sir, come on, we've got to

keep the lining moving.

Sir, move the line along.

Thank you, sir.

I'm Alan mooney.

Thank you.

You completely cut me in line.

What's your name?

Hi, my name's Colette.

C-o-l-e-t-t-e.

Negative.

No, you're done, thank you.

Next please.

No, no, no! Damnit, you don't-

Hannah.

I've got to call you back.

Hi.

Hello.

Hannah?

Yes.

I'm actually a writer.

Ahh I knew that.

You did?

How did you? Is it the

glasses? 'Cuz they're new.

It was also, you're giving

off a very creative energy.

You know my pen

began to vibrate.

I think that was part of it.

That's so sweet.

Hey.

What'd he say?

Who?

You know the guy that just held

up the line for five minutes

while he was talking to you.

It was ten. It was

closer to ten.

Oh, no. It was nothing.

We just talked.

He sure seemed to like you.

Look, I told him about my book,

and he started asking questions.

Kind of writer to writer.

Talking to Richard

broadwell was no big deal?

Really?

You gave him your phone number.

You guys, look, he reads

more books in a week than

Why would he ever

bother to call me?

Hello?

Who?

Richard?

Hi.

Oh my God.

Did she say Richard?

Yeah. Really? Coffee?

I really appreciate the

invitation but it's not

really a great time, so...

Um, yeah you could

call me later.

I will think about it, yes.

Oh my God.

Ok, bye.

That's amzaing.

This is unfair.

This is just... not fair.

First you get an agent,

and then the book deal,

and then the big movie-

please darling-

no, it's not fair.

And now Richard...

What's his name?

Broadwell wants to

have coffee with you.

This happened to

you and only to you.

There's more of us here.

You know, isn't there a way

something, anything...

A cosmic creative crumb

that the rest of us

I don't like what you're

insinuating, Colette.

You know how hard I work

and how devoted I am.

Plus I've been so

supportive of you.

I've encouraged your

writing all along.

But you didn't introduce you

to your agent, do you remember?

I asked him.

He didn't want to meet you.

Hannah has earned her success.

Butt out, Mr. idea man.

You didn't tell me that.

Hannah is a writer, ok?

She devotes herself

%100 to writing.

Not 100% to sleeping

with writers.

Oh dear God, it

was research Alan.

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