Authors Anonymous Page #7

Guys, guys! Come on!

Guys, why don't you

just go on ahead?

I'm just saying

it's not, that's all.

Just, you know, because

there's more of us.

I just simply wanted to say

that I felt that it was unfair.

Let's go, let's go.

Thirteen. Thirteen. Thirteen.

Thirteen. Thirteen.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

eleven, twelve, thirteen!

Uf.

Hi.

I'm a sh*t for

exploding at Hannah.

I'm really sorry.

Poor sweet, superstitious...

She's so superstitious, I

don't know what that is.

Everybody loves Hannah.

I love Hannah.

She's a good girl.

But you know if Hannah

can do it, then so can I.

You know, we were born

to succeed not to fail.

Who said that? I don't know.

Somebody famous.

Somebody with an agent.

Haha.

Somebody with an agent,

I'm sure.

And I'll tell you what.

You know, I can't do anything

without an agent, so if

they don't come to me, then

I'm going to go to them.

Your writers block...

Yeah?

It's because you're always

focused on everything else.

You know?

Fitzgerald.

Gatsby.

Me.

Listen to me, Henry obert.

The writing must come first.

You've got to take all

this passion you have

and put it on the page.

You know?

Forget about everything else.

All you're doing is

wasting your talent.

You know what I mean?

From ze books.

Wow.

Do you mean that all

of the books at the

hardware store sold?

Ya. Every one.

What did I tell you, strudel?

What did I tell you?

If you write it,

they will read it.

I want you to get some

more books down to that

hardware store right away.

No wait.

Wait a minute strudel.

This is the time

for a book tour.

A big one.

Bakersfield.

Fresno.

Stockton.

Yeah, strudel. I want you to get

on the phone and I want you

to call every one of those

bookstores and you tell them

that John k butzin,

published author...

Is on his way.

Lock and load, strudel.

Lock and load.

Auf wiedersehen.

Hello?

Excuse me?

I'm here to see

Lois pepper, please?

Hello?

Uh yes, no. Unsolicited.

Um, I just need five minutes.

Just one, two, three, four,

five minutes of her time.

If you could just maybe lean

you're head in a little bit, and

say my name is Colette

mooney. M-o-o-n-e-y.

I have a manuscript that

I know she's absolutely,

positively going to want.

I know she is very busy but-

if I have to read one more

vampire novel, I swear I'm going

to drive a stake through

my own goddamn heart.

Vampires.

Zombies.

Harry Potter knockoffs.

People writing about their dogs.

Manuscript, and it has nothing

to do with vampires or dogs-

doctor xiroman, I

can't believe you're here.

How lovely to see you again.

Were you just in

the neighborhood?

He has taken a vow of silence.

Please, please come

in for a second.

My family talks about

you all the time.

You were so helpful

to my sister.

But...

Oh sh*t.

Can you believe this?

Look at my desk, Dr. xiroman.

Look at it.

It's all crap.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

I hate my job.

I hate my life.

I envy you, Dr. xiroman.

I mean look at your life.

Your work.

You've really helped my sister.

You've helped so many people.

You just have such a positive

message to share.

He does.

Wait a minute.

Positive message to share.

Helping people.

That's it!

Dr. xiroman, you

should write a book.

What?

My novel will have to

wait a while longer.

Niet, Colette, not yet.

But I'll be a co-author.

Well actually I'll be listed

as junior author.

It's not exactly what I

wanted, but at least now I

finally have an agent

and book deal.

Thank you.

You're late pizza boy.

Sorry.

Hey, what's this?

Oh don't worry about them.

They're with me, so...

Your total is $19.65, sir.

There you go.

Hey babe, you got a

single for pizza boy?

Coming.

Thanks.

Thank you.

No distractions.

Writing comes first.

Henry, I...

He is making me a

much better writer.

I'll bet he his.

And how much better of a writer

could he be making you, Hannah?

Why don't you show us?

Who wrote slaughter house five?

Please don't do this.

This could be educational

for all of us.

How about the native

son, or catch 22.

Why isn't enough

that I'm your friend?

Lord of the flies.

Portnoy's complaint.

Ooh, Harry Potter.

I'll bet you know Harry Potter.

Why isn't it enough that

I believe in your writing?

Sophie's choice.

Who wrote that?

Published in the

English language.

It's just not enough that I've

always believed in you.

You never even read

gatsby. Did you?

Didn't even crack

the book, I bet.

Well...

At least I'm not delivering

pizzas for a living.

So you've read all

these fancy novels.

My book's being published.

Is yours?

Sorry I'm late.

What have you got there?

New pages.

I am ready to read.

Way to go Henry.

Have a seat right here.

Hello everyone.

Who is this guy?

I have invited my spiritual

advisor, Dr. xiroman,

to join our writing group.

You must be joking, Colette.

No I'm not joking, Alan.

The doctor and I will

soon be published authors.

We have signed with

the Lois pepper agency.

Yay!

No, you can't do this.

But why not?

Because.. Since William is gone

there is an open space.

We all have to agree

on new members.

I don't care about

your silly rules.

I am the leader of the group.

Please.

I am the leader of the group!

And Dr. xiroman is my co-author

and he is joining the group.

He is not.

Yes he is.

Is not.

Is too.

Is not!

Is too!

Stop! Stop!

Sorry.

Um, I just... I have

something I need to say.

Um, I'm leaving this group.

No you can't leave.

Hannah, come on, all for one.

I know, Alan, I'm sorry.

Um...

Richard is going to be

mentoring me now, so...

And today is the twenty second,

so, you know, two and two

equals four and you know four is

one of my luckier numbers...

Oh gosh.

I'm quitting this.

I'm sorry, Alan.

You're just doing this to

upstage the fact that

we've landed an agency.

Yes, this is what it's

all about, isn't it?

The spotlight's always on

little miss sunshine over here.

With her agent and her book

deal and her movie deal,

and her new iPad.

Didn't miss that!

I got a news flash

for all of you.

John k butzin is

saying sayonara.

This group has done

nothing but stifle the

creativity of a certain writer.

What's going on with you two?

He thinks your writing's crap.

Oh really?

Oh who cares what this phony

balogna whatever he is says

about anything, alright?

Because there is a certain

Mr. Clint Eastwood.

He's gonna see my writing.

He's gonna see my writing

when I go on the-the tour.

You know what, I'm

done with all of you.

As far as I'm concerned,

you're all a bunch of pussies.

P*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy,

p*ssy, pussies.

Get out.

Now.

As the leader of this group,

I've determined your actions are

contrary to our stated purpose.

Get out.

You can not throw me out, Alan.

Then go to your room

and take him with you.

Won't be the first guy.

Well we certainly will

have a lot to talk about

You go by yourself. I am done.

It's just like Alan

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