Awaydays Page #5

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Woollyback!

# There's a Woolly over there

Over there!

# And he's wearing underwear

Underwear

# With a three-star jumper

Halfway up his back

# He's a f***ing Woollyback!

Woollyback!

What's the matter, Carty?

Thought you'd be off with the lads,

having a f***ing grin.

You're f*** all without me, you ponce.

Take us home, will you?

You going anywhere near ours?

Come on, get in.

So, what did he tell you about me?

Doesn't matter.

So what's the holiday got in store

for Wirral Comp's wildest girl?

Hey, you! I am not boring.

It's just...

Well, you know how it is. My two

special boys have to come first, OK?

That's all very well and good,

but you need to get out more, sis.

Do you want to know the sum total

of my social offers this holiday?

Go 'ead.

The Caldy Rugby Colts piss-up.

You should go.

Will Harnault and the massed ranks

of the Heswall Young Conservatives?

I tend to think not, thanks.

You should go.

You've no idea what a grin you'll have.

It's what Ma would've wanted.

- But what will Cinders wear to the ball?

- Money, money, money.

That's all you think about.

- Bevvy, lad?

- Don't know. I'm trying to give it up.

Give up at Crimbo?

You off your head or what?

I'm getting my head together.

Might even go back,

finish my foundation course.

Are you messing?

Lad, I'm made up for you. It's the best

bit of news I've heard in a long time.

Right, then,

we're definitely drinking to that.

If you insist, then.

- Only cos you've got no mates.

- You cheeky...

# Gaudete! Gaudete!

Christus est natus

# Ex Maria virginae

# Gaudete... #

Berlin.

- Who's your girlfriend, lad?

- No one.

- State of his hair!

- State of her! Move your hand.

Why do you read these magazines?

Ta-da!

Wow, honey! You look amazing!

Oh, thanks.

So go on.

What do you think of your sister, then?

Wow. You want to watch yourself,

young lady.

I have no intention of coming home

until I've had at least 17 gin and tonics

and been ragged senseless

on the bonnet of a mini.

- Just have a good time. And behave.

- I will.

Now, then, you.

Doubts have been raised by one Mark

"Elvis" Elways about your sexuality.

Completely unfounded.

# So this is permanence

# Love's shattered pride

# What once was innocence

# Turned on its side

# Grey cloud hangs over me

# Marks every move

# Deep in the memory

# What once was love #

Hello, sexy.

- Please, Will.

- Come on.

Will!

Will, I've tried telling you nicely.

Nicely?

She's tried telling me nicely!

Look, just shove off, will you?

Feisty. You weren't saying that

when I was buying you a drink.

I said yes to the drink

to get rid of you!

I didn't know

you were gonna stalk me all night.

Hard luck, Casanova!

I think somebody needs to teach

that young lady some manners.

Whoa, here we go!

Come 'ead, Robbie! Do your robot, la!

Come on!

Here we are.

Emergency, emergency.

Better.

It had to be Robbie, though, eh?

You know he's not all there.

Behave. Look at him.

Lad's f***ing loving it.

Here we go!

Lubrication for the patient!

It was a c*nt's trick, that.

F*** off, John. Everything's

a f***ing c*nt's trick with you.

- It's funny how it's always you, though.

- F*** you, you squaddie c*nt.

What did you say, shitehawk?

Nothing personal, Johnno.

Boys.

John? John?

John? Someone's f***ing stabbed him.

- Aren't you gonna get that?

- Be f***ing carol singers, won't it?

Pug! Pug!

- Sh*t.

- Pug!

- Oh!

- Jesus, Moll!

- Baby, what's happened?

- I had a grin.

Here.

Sit down.

- I'll get her some water, eh?

- Molly?

Moll? What's happened?

The boys. Will and that.

Who's Will?

From the rugby club.

Those rugby c*nts!

Where are you going?

You can't leave her like that.

Stay with her. I won't be long.

- D'you know where Will is?

- I think he's over there.

Which one of youse is C*nt?

'Are you all right? '

'Me? It's not me

you should be worrying about.'

Well, I am worried.

Who do you think I done all this for?

I don't know, Pug. You tell me.

'You're my sister.

'Do you honestly think I'm gonna let

these pricks do that to my sister? '

'That's the burning question,

isn't it? '

Baby,

when are you gonna stop all this?

'Soon.'

F***ing hell!

If it ain't the return

of the magnificent Carthorse!

Hold on there, you nutter.

Jesus.

I've missed you, you c*nt.

Missed you, too, mate.

Jesus.

Most impressive... la.

Impressive.

So...

What happened?

That's what I wanted

to talk to you about.

This is the thing, la, and your Uncle EI's

only being a buddy to you now, yeah?

But how it stands, like,

the lads are far from being sure

about the enigmatic Professor Carty.

D'you know what I'm saying? He comes,

he goes. No one really knows him.

The jury is definitely out on the Carty

question, especially now JG's gone.

- Godden?

- Gone 'un.

- Where to?

- Where...? You divvy. Baby done him.

- F***, he's bad, like?

- Bad? He's f***ing dead, amigo.

Brown f***ing bread.

F*** me. Has Baby been nicked?

Nicked? Behave.

Oh, Christ. John Boy Godden, eh?

Indeedy. It's like I'm telling you.

You're not gonna have him

to back you up.

I've got you. Look,

if I could do it by myself, I would...

Carty. My little angel.

F*** me! Where will it end?

Where will it end?

Look, I'll see what I can do.

But no promises.

# Here are the young men

# The weight on their shoulders

# Here are the young men

# Well, where have they been?

# Where have they been?

# Where have they been?

# Where have they been?

# Where have they been?

All right, lads?

So this is Cartyville, eh?

This is where it all happens.

Come 'ead, lads.

They're all in there.

Just up the road, eh?

Come on, man or mouse? Come on,

man or f***ing mouse? Come on!

- Do it!

- Huh-huh-huh-huh!

- Oh, you f***ing dick!

- Jesus! Bastard!

Tits like f***ing melons.

- Let me explain.

- No need for introductions.

Man or mouse, Will?

Man or f***ing mouse?

- C*nt! F***ing yuppie c*nt!

- Calm down, lads. Enough's enough.

En... enough?

- Oh!

- What's enough?

What the f*** are you looking at?

You f***ing rapist c*nt!

You saw f*** all, get me? Get me?

Uh!

Elvis?

Elvis?

Elvis, mate, what's the matter?

Come 'ead, EI.

- That's it, now, isn't it?

- That's what?

That's us now, isn't it?

Elvis, mate,

I don't know what you mean.

Yeah, you do.

EI? Look, Elvis la, I'm made up with you

for helping us out tonight, and I owe you.

- F***ing no.

- Yes, I do!

Look, Carty.

You don't owe me nothing.

# Hold thou thy cross

Before my closing eyes

# Shine through the gloom

And point me to the skies

# Heaven's morning breaks

And earth's vain shadows flee

# In life, in death, O Lord

Abide with me #

Please be seated.

Jesus said, "I am the resurrection

and I am the light.

"He who believes in me,

though he die, yet shall he live.

"And whoever lives and believes in me

shall never die."

- All right?

- Yeah, mate. Glad I made the effort.

- Stay.

- Why?

I'm just asking, like. Will you...

will you stay with us for a while?

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