Awful Nice

Can I borrow that for a second?

[Breaking glass]

Ugh.

Jim?

Sup stupid?

So dad...

Like, dad, dad?

Like our- like our dad?

Who else's dad would I

be talking to you about?

That's nuts.

When's the funeral?

In Kansas City, which

means we have to leave...

Wait, did you say tomorrow?

- Yeah.

Oh, I can't go to that, dude.

What do you mean? Yeah you can.

No I can't. I have a lot

of sh*t going on here.

I can't just leave

everything, ok?

Ten minutes ago you were

passed out in a wigwam.

Yeah, well... no

it wasn't a wigwam.

Name one thing that

you have to do.

One.

Like tomorrow?

Well tomorrow is kind

of more of a setup day.

But I've got a lot

of things to...

If I named it, you wouldn't

understand it because...

It would- they're so

long-range that you wouldn't

understand how they work.

Just name one thing. One thing.

I'm getting a bird tomorrow.

I'm getting a bird. I can't

have the guy drop the bird

off tomorrow and me not be there

Yeah, I'm being

extremely serious, dude.

It sounds like it's

not a big thing...

That doesn't count, Dave.

That's not...

Dude, I appreciate this

whole thing about you

And don't think it doesn't

touch me right here, dude.

But... bottom line,

I just can't go.

I'll give you a hundred

and fifty dollars if you

get in my car right now.

Let's go.

Hey dude, get dressed.

We got to meet mom and

Michelle at the steak-

get out of my room!

It's my room too, Dave.

You left and now

it's my room, ok?

Yeah, that's not how it works.

That's kind of exactly

how it works. It's called

the case of finders versus

keepers, and you're not involved

what are you looking for?

I'm looking for my Alonzo

mourning rookie card.

And please get out, because

I'm trying to find it and

your gonna screw up my

whole process.

But that's not why I want the

card. The card's worth like-

where the hell are my avs

posters?

You're avs posters are gone.

I took those down.

Why'd you take down

my avalanche posters?

Because the

avalanche suck, dude. Ok?

Redwings are where it was at.

I don't want any

losers on my walls.

Well where'd you put 'em?

I don't- I don't want people

thinking I'm a chelio's fan.

Nobody's gonna mistake

you for a chelios fan, ok.

Dude's a f***ing warrior.

You're definitely more

of a forsberg guy.

I think people can tell that.

Please, get out of my room!

I'm trying to help you.

You're trying to bother me

when I'm trying to work.

Stop!

If I wasn't so scared about

tombstome pile driving you on

top of the card I'm looking for

and breaking it, your ass would

be on the ground right now. Ok?

Dude, an Alonzo mourning card

is not worth a lot of money.

It's gotta be worth at least

ten grand by right now.

I bet you ten grand that

it's not worth ten grand.

I'll be you ten grand that

if you hit me with that

umbrella again, I'm gonna

knock your teeth out.

Oww! F***, stop doing that!

So you wanna shove that whole

garbage bag behind the toilet

for like... two weeks, right?

Pop a straw in it, make

sure it doesn't blow up.

There you go, you have

a big bag of wine.

You know it's free, right?

What? Yeah. Just uh...

Saving this for later.

Jeez is that ok?

My dad's dead, and this guy's

being a f***ing a**hole.

Yeah, last time I saw

Devin he looked horrible.

Devin? Who's that?

Shut up, you don't know 'em.

His hair's falling out.

- Gross.

He's super fat.

- Woof.

Looks like he has a

sunburn all the time.

My two boys!

Oh mom, you found the wine.

Hi mom.

It's so good to see the

two of you together again.

I'm just glad we could

get this guy down here.

I just wish your

father was here to see

how handsome you both look.

He always was so...

It made him so happy to

see his two boys together.

Oh, I'm sorry honey.

I... I'm going to go grab

some of nonna's biscotti.

Can I bring either of

you anything?

I'm good.

- It's fine, thank you.

Bye mom.

Ok, here we go.

I'll tell you what,she's right

though. We do look pretty fly.

You look like an idiot.

You're wearing a

tuxedo to a funeral.

You look like a valet.

It's what you wear to a funeral.

You don't wear a sweater

and like a sweater tie,

or whatever that is, ok?

A sweater tie?

- You wear black.

Hey, you know what time it is?

Oh.

You're wearing a watch

which is what's f***ed up.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, what's up?

What's that?

Uh... our inheritance.

Oh, nice. We rich, man?

Not quite. We did get

the lake house though.

Awesome, what else?

Uh, that's it.

Yeah, but apparently

it's worth a fortune.

Great. So I need

you to sign here.

Then I'm going to go down

to branson, talk to dad's

business partner charbineau.

He's gonna sell it for us,

we'll get big checks,

I'll give you yours,

I'll get mine...

Because I need to get

changed before we go.

I'm definitely coming with-

you're not going by yourself.

Dude, you're not coming with me.

You're- I know what

you're trying to do.

Dude, there's no deal. It's

all laid out in the will.

It's simple. We sign it over.

not gonna know what to get,

and what I need, ok?

Oh, all my f***ing basketball-

- of value.

All my f***ing baseball cards.

- Of value.

My Alonzo mourning rookie card.

I have a game worn belford

Jersey, three or four Simon

games, I don't think you

can even buy anymore.

I don't even think Milton

Bradley makes those anymore.

Six month's later, everything

seems to be ok, right?

No he didn't say I could borrow

the car, but I knew he was gonna

be passed out all day, so

the next thing I know,

I'm getting pulled over.

Whatever. I gotta

couple fake ids.

What's in the trunk? Case of

Antonio menderes cologne.

Stolen. Hot.

Malik told me it fell

off a truck later, I

don't believe that

anyway, I get called in, become

a guest of the state for a

couple months, and uh...

Jim!

- Stop! Did you see that?

I didn't do anything.

It's an umbrella.

Jim?

- It's an umbrella.

Bad luck, illegal.

Not- shouldn't be

doing it at dinner.

Why would you do that?

- Are you twelve?

Anyway, what were

we talkin' about?

Horsemilk? You said horsemilk.

I like chocolate milk.

That's why that whole

story came out of that.

Speaking of horsemilk,

where's Matt?

Max.

His name's Max.

He's asleep.

He's tired.

He's sleeping?

Does he- is he austistic?

David?

- Why would you say that?

What?

No, he doesn't have autism.

He's four, dude. Little

kids sleep all the time.

It's like they get tired.

They get real tired.

So Dave, where are

you living now?

Because we keep sending you

Christmas cards and you never

why I'm not getting

those. But uh...

In regards to where I live,

I've been kind of on the road.

I've been kind of in and out of

places the last couple of years.

Lot of private security things

that I've been puttin' together.

Yeah, he worked at uh- he worked

at pranks for eight months,

until he accidentally

pepper sprayed himself.

And his partner.

What? No that's a f***in' lie.

Who told you that?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes