Baby Boom Page #2

Oh, no, neither did I, but it was very awful.

I mean, you know, what happened, so...

I have a lunch meeting in 40 minutes so

if I could sign for whatever it is I inherited.

Certainly. I just need you

to sign one thing. There.

So... what is it? A million dollars?

I beg your pardon?

- What is it? What is it that I inherited?

- Why, Elizabeth, of course.

- What Elizabeth of course? I mean...

- Your cousin Andrew's Elizabeth.

Are you jo... are you joking?!

Didn't Mrs Simpson tell you?

What?!

What? Wait a minute now.

I... Are you telling me I inherited a baby

from a cousin I haven't seen since 1954?

No! No way, uh-uh. This isn't possible.

Sorry. I assumed you understood

the nature of my trip.

Well, that's the funny thing. I can't have

a baby as I have a 12.30 lunch meeting.

I'm sorry, I have to reboard. I'm

on my way to visit relatives in Florida.

Now, Elizabeth, this is your Aunt JC,

the one I was telling you about.

You're going to live with her now. She'll

take care of you and love you very much.

- Mrs Atwood...

- Here are her things in there...

...a copy of the Wiatts' will,

and Elizabeth's birth certificate.

- I'm not the right person for this.

- You're the only person, Miss Wiatt.

She's agreeable. Once you get the hang

of it, you'll be a wonderful mother.

I don't... I...

Mother?!

Oh! Oh, oh. Agh, agh...

Armand! No, just get... Yeah.

Now, careful, Armand.

Her diaper's just a little bit damp.

- (Elizabeth sneezes)

- Gesundheit.

- Would you mind?

- No, I don't mind. What?

Oh, yeah. There.

- Anything to check?

- Yes!

- No, no, no!

- Just for an hour. She's very agreeable.

- Hughes... JC Wiatt.

- Good to meet you.

Good to meet you. I'm so sorry I'm late.

Thank you. Would you like...

I see. You have something to drink.

I'll join you. Waiter, I would like

a glass of wine, the same as Mr Larrabee.

- Yes, ma'am.

- (crying)

So, how long you in diapers for?

In town for?

Just a day.

- I can't take too much of a good thing.

- (bawling)

That's very funny.

I wanted to tell you I was just so knocked

out when Fritz told me about your call.

- I've always been a huge fan of yours...

- Armand, what is going on?

Let me handle it. I'll find out.

Excuse me, Hughes, Armand.

Sh, sh, sh.

Look, miss. Miss! I'm in the middle of

a major meeting. Keep her quiet, OK?

- Look, if it's so easy, you try it!

- I don't know how to...

- (stops crying)

- She wanted her mama.

I am not her mother. By the way, she has

been through a traumatic experience...

...so a little compassion

would not be out of line, OK?

I will give you a very big tip.

I'll give you my Visa card.

Can you believe somebody

would actually bring a baby here?

- (crying)

- As I was saying...

...I'm intrigued by

the panache of The Food Chain.

- Tell me about you.

- Me, huh? Me.

Well, I... I... Oh, I just... I'm assigned

to all our Fortune 100 companies.

I personally handle

IBM, Xerox, DuPont, Polaroid...

- Excuse me?

...Texas Instruments, uh, uh...

...Atlantic Overseas...

- Yo!

- What?

- Your baby just barfed all over my boss.

This is not my baby! I... I went to Harvard

and Yale, and I don't have children.

She just... She's... She belongs...

Look, I'm gonna hold her for just a minute

but this is not going to affect me. Um, yes.

Let's see, who else do I handle?

I also handle Hewlett-Packard...

...um, Citicorp, Eastman Kodak. They

always ask for me. They love me there.

Oh, God. Oh!

Um, Luvs, here we go. Pampers.

God. Huggies Supertrim. OK, large.

23 pounds and over.

Hey! Medium...

...20. 12. 12 to 24 pounds...

...and newborns up to 14 pounds.

OK, so... You're not newborn, are you?

How much do you weigh anyway?

22... Oh, 22 pounds. OK.

Oh, my God.

There.

Hi.

Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I need a drink.

OK. I'm leaving you for a few minutes,

so I'm trusting you not to touch anything.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.

(key turning in lock)

JC!

I'm home!

Mm, great hunting boots.

Now if I only hunted.

- Hi!

- Argh!

- (Elizabeth screams)

- God! Whoa!

(crash/)

- What is this?

- A baby.

- What is it doing here?

- You know that pin I thought I inherited?

- Yes.

- Well, it wasn't a pin.

Ah, here it is. "We hereby request

that JC Wiatt act as guardian...

...to our only child, Elizabeth Wiatt."

- Mm-hm.

"If JC Wiatt is unable to act as guardian,

we leave it to her discretion...

...to find suitable adoptive parents."

Thank God you have an out clause!

- You do want the out clause?

- Of course! What do you think?

I thought I heard

your biological clock ticking.

Oh, Steven, please! Tomorrow I'll contact

whoever it is who finds adoptive parents...

...but in the meantime we'll make do.

Would you hold her?

- Oh, no, no.

- I can't...

- I never held a baby.

- Oh, I see. What, I have?

- Oh, God.

- Thank you very much.

Look, there is nothing

in the world to get uptight about.

We're two summa cum laudes. We can

handle one little baby for eight hours.

- (Steven humming)

- (JC) Mm. Yum.

Mm-hm. Thank you very much.

(Steven) It's linguini time.

I think you're gonna like this.

(JC) Here you go.

Bon apptit.

Great idea. Give her linguini. Wonderful.

Ugh! I think it would

be easier to just move.

What are you doing?

Spaghetti's dropping from the ceiling.

"Put between baby's legs, release tapes,

position over front of absorbent padding."

(sighs)

Now... Oh.

"Release the tapes."

There.

"Front of absorbent..."

Agh!

This is really fabulous.

"Position over front

of absorbent padding."

OK, I've got it!

Perfect!

(coos and laughs)

(Elizabeth) Agh!

(Elizabeth laughs)

- (Elizabeth cries)

- Yes, now the diaper... OK.

Oh.

Sit. Yes, now, there. Sit.

Play with it. Here.

Yes, you can play with that.

Fine. You're doing splendidly.

- Speed it up a little/

- (canned laughter)

A lot of them. There must be 30, 40.

26/

(applause)

Weinberger insisted he needs everything

he asked for to negotiate with the Soviets.

This opportunity to go over

the growing nature...

(crying drowns out speech)

Do you mind? I'm trying... JC, please.

- I don't know what to do.

- All right, I'll handle this.

- Stop crying, please. Stop. I'll pay you.

- Elizabeth, now listen.

It is 11.53 and it's time

for you to go to sleep.

It's late, we have a lot of work to do,

and we need some peace and quiet.

Elizabeth, grow up. I have a conference in

Boston tomorrow. I need to concentrate.

Now, lie down, close your eyes and

stop crying by the time I count to three.

Don't shake your head at me, Elizabeth.

I'm speaking to you. Are you ready?

One...

...two...

...two and a half...

...three.

- Worked.

- Good.

All right, now just kiss

Uncle Steven good night.

Ow! Jesus!

What? She just bit me!

(giggles)

I hope this doesn't appear like

I'm a terrible person for not keeping her.

- You forgot this page.

- Oh, thank you. Thanks. Goodness.

Anyway, her parents, I never really

knew them and I'm not the motherly type.

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