Baby Boom Page #6

- Uh, nope.

Uh-huh. Do you know the ballpark?

Well, somewhere in

the neighbourhood of $7-8,000.

- What? Are you sure?

- Yup.

Uh, Mr Boone.

One more question.

Are you the only plumber in town?

Uh, yup.

God!

(spits)

So...

So, how's the roof?

You've seen worse, right?

Uh, nope.

What are you saying?

I need a whole new roof?

Uh, yup.

(phone)

(JC) Hello?

Elyse?

Oh, hi! It's so good to hear your voice.

Oh, I'm fine. Really.

I've never been happier.

Um, right now? Well, actually

I'm making baby apple sauce.

No, it's not from jars.

No, it's from real apples.

I told you about my orchards, right?

Well, I invented this recipe for Elizabeth...

...and, you know, I mean

she really loves it and, well, it...

It gives me something to do

while it snows.

So tell me, what's going on in New York?

Oh, hectic. Oh, right.

You did? Ha!

You mean you got the big corner office?

We're talking about the big, big one?

Oh, well, I mean, congratulations.

Oh, yeah.

You did?

It was, huh?

Well, yeah, yeah.

Sounds like fun if you're into

that New York kind of nightlife, sure.

Really? You did?

Oh.

Yeah. Where'd you meet him?

(radio) I'll never

Smile again

Until I smile at you

I'll never laugh...

Give me Waterman at Atlantic Overseas.

(sighs) I'm pathetic.

(DJ) This is the Night Owl

on WHD Y, Hadleyville...

... signing off and wishing you

a pleasant tomorrow.

And it's gonna be a nice one.

Only 17 below. Enjoy it.

No!

(Mr Boone) Uh-oh.

- Your well's dried up.

- Oh. Oh, God, that's good.

I thought it was serious. We can just fill

it up because there's a hose around back.

(Mr Boone chuckles)

- Fill it... fill it up?!

- What?

Fill it up?

Lady, you're... you're out of water. You're

gonna have to tap into the county line.

- (groans)

- And that's three miles down the road.

I am almost out of money, Mr Boone.

I don't understand these technicalities.

Just tell me one thing, OK?

Is this going to be expensive?

Yup.

Do you know approximately

how much this is gonna cost me?

- Nope.

- No. Right. Well, just guess!

Uh, $5,000, $6,000. Maybe more.

Oh, well, that's just fine. That's it!

I've had it! I can't make it here, OK?

I mean, I am not...

I am not Paul Bunyan, all right?

I went to Harvard.

I graduated at the top of my class.

For what? To spend my life

fixing up this dilapidated shack?!

Well, you can just forget it

because I am gonna get outta here.

You see, I need to work.

I need people, I need a social life.

I need sex!

P-p-p-please, I'm a married man.

(sobs) I'm gonna shrivel up and die here!

I mean, how much baby food is a person

supposed to make in their lifetime?

I am a career woman. I am used to

having phone lists and dinner meetings.

- Do you know what I mean?

- Uh, nope.

(screams) No?! I have been "yupped"

and "noped" to death by you guys.

I have had it with whiskers and plaids!

Look at me. I am going nuts!

I used to be... cute.

I am not prepared for wells that run dry.

I just wanna turn on the faucet

and have water!

I don't wanna know

where it's coming from!

Argh! Another six thousand!

- Argh!

- Oh.

Hi.

I'm Doctor Cooper.

You passed out and Mr Boone

brought you here to my office.

- You OK?

- Yeah. Where's the baby?

- Oh, she's fine. She's with my nurse.

- Oh.

- I fainted?

- Yeah.

Really? I did?

Oh, I've never fainted before, Doctor.

Is there any chance

you might be expecting, Mrs Wiatt?

No. There's absolutely

no chance of that, Doctor.

Zero chance of that. Less than zero.

Well, it's OK.

You can talk about it if you want.

No, I can't.

- I can't talk about it!

- Wait...

Here you are. Here.

Don't get upset. It's just...

Oh, Doctor!

You thought that I...

you thought that I was pregnant?

- Well...

- Fat chance.

But, you see... but that's not

why I'm crying, you know, because...

...I haven't had any...

I haven't had any, you know...

...sex.

It's getting that I can hardly say the word

and I was never that into it...

...but when it's gone and you have no

prospects of it in the future, it's upsetting.

I... I hope you don't mind

my talking to you like this and all.

No. No. Just... just... just relax.

I don't know how to relax.

It's not in my nature.

You know, I mean,

I moved here from New York...

...foolishly thinking that

the country would be good for me.

I thought that...

I needed to slow down and...

I wanted to...

I wanted to, um...

...I wanted to think and

I wanted to put things into perspective...

...but now I just wanna go home.

I am broke, I have nothing but

this 200-year-old house that I hate.

I just...

I'm so...

I'm so lonely, Doctor.

- I'm so lonely!

- It's OK.

(neighing)

- What is that? What's that?

- That's my next patient.

- What do you mean?

- I'm a vet.

- Hi, Jo.

- You're a what?!

- I'm a veterinarian.

- I'm spilling my guts out to a vet!

I'm lying on a vet's table telling you about

my sex life! Do I have horse hair on me?!

- I thought you knew.

- Based on what? What?

You're wearing a white jacket.

You've got diplomas and a stethoscope.

- Relax. I wasn't gonna put you to sleep.

- What's that supposed to be, vet humour?

Dr Cooper, I think it's unethical of you

to allow an emotionally unglued woman...

...to sit here and think you're a real doctor!

I think I should report you to the AMA

or the AVA or the VMA or whatever...

(screams and gasps)

Now, look, may I please have my coat

before your next patient eats it?

- Here.

- I'll sell my house, go back to civilisation.

I'll get myself a nice little apartment,

watch HBO and have a real life again!

Oh...

- Reckon she'll be able to sell the place?

- Not likely.

Place was for sale for five years.

She was their only nibble.

Five years and I was the only nibble?

If I can't sell the house, I can't afford

to move back to New York. I know, honey.

- We'll do the best we can, dear.

- No. Five years and I'm the only nibble?

(sighs)

- Almost too pretty to eat.

- I got carried away during the last storm.

The twins loved the last batch,

and they don't eat nothing out of a jar.

- Ugh!

- What?

(clears throat) Oh, dear. I got some

of this aspirin stuck in my throat.

- Could I have just a piece of bread or...?

- Oh, yeah, sure. Some white bread.

- Oh, my God!

- Just try this.

Oh. Oh.

(mutters) If I could just...

- Excuse me?

- Hm?

Are you feeling all right?

I heard about your collapse

over at the town meeting.

Dr Cooper's nurse

is also our mayor, you know.

I didn't know that.

So I'm the talk of the town?

- Well, so to speak.

- Well, that's very comforting to hear.

- Listen, Sam, I could use a few things.

- Mm-hm.

A half a gallon of milk, two bottles of

apple juice, a box of Hamburger Helper...

...and, um, two dozen cans

of that kerosene.

Yeah, I'm working on

a small project at home.

- (bell rings)

- (chatter)

- I wanna get back to the pottery place.

- Isn't this place cute?

- The whole state is cute.

- Yale, did you lock the car?

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