Baby Mama Page #9

Well, the upside is, it

looks like I might be a dad.

So if it's a boy,

I want to marry you.

Oh, my God.

What?

I'm so sorry

about what's happened.

But I think it's best to wait until

the pregnancy is far enough along

for DNA testing, before

we do anything drastic.

That was quite a kick.

How can you

be pregnant?

Your eggs are

from the '40s.

You're upset.

And you're saying hurtful

things. It's understandable.

We'll have a DNA sample sent to the lab.

The rest will be

handled in family court.

Of course, if the baby turns out not

to be yours, we'll waive our fees.

What about all

the background checks?

Passed.

With flying colors.

You were living with her, and

you didn't notice anything.

She fooled us, Kate.

She fooled us all.

I fooled myself.

I booked you a room here,

until we sort this out.

So you're done with me, now, is

that it? You don't need me anymore?

Gonna try to find some

other lowlife you can use

to give you everything

you ever wanted?

I'm not gonna do this.

You know, you think

you're better than me...

I am certain that I am better than you.

Okay, we're being honest now?

Here's one. I can have

a baby, and you can't.

And that drives you crazy.

Get out of my car.

Your stupid space car's

locked me in.

Don't touch it

when I'm touching it.

Just open it!

Yeah, you bang on the door,

that's how you open it.

Well, you can't

even find the stupid...

Raised by wolves!

Tell me

how to open it!

Stop touching it,

and I will open it.

It is open now.

Good.

Look, buddy, you don't have to

sell me on the product, I'm already in.

Here's what I'm asking.

Do you have a discount policy if you're

related to one of the girls that's gone wild?

Enjoy it, Kate.

This is your baby.

I'm going to go hide this

shell somewhere in the store.

Hey.

Can I get an Orange You

Glad I Didn't Say Banana?

All right.

Holbrook v. Ostrowiski.

Present.

I take it this is

a paternity case.

Actually, it's a

maternity case, Your Honor.

Katherine Holbrook hired this

woman to be her surrogate,

now we're not sure

whose egg this is in here.

What are you doing here?

Angie needed some legal

help, so I'm helping.

- And you are?

- I'm Rob Ackerman,

formerly with the firm

Swanson and Weisberg.

- Formerly?

- Yeah, now he makes

fruit smoothies.

You mean like Jamba Juice?

Yes, Your Honor, it's

exactly like Jamba Juice.

'Cause I love Jamba Juice.

- Yeah.

- Who doesn't?

You don't need a lawyer,

you know, we're just

here to read some results.

But I know that I have

the right to a lawyer.

Objection.

And you are?

Carl Loomis,

Your Highness.

I'm here to seek joint

custody of that fetus.

Your Honor, this dummy

used to be my husband.

Did you provide a DNA

sample, Mr. Loomis?

Uh-huh.

What's that now?

Did you give someone a hair

follicle or a vial of your blood?

No. Not as it pertains

to this case.

All right, then you're

going to have to take a seat.

And if you disrupt

the proceedings again,

I'll ask the bailiff

to escort you out.

Not scared of her.

May I have the lab results, please?

Okay, I would like to testify

on behalf of the prosecution.

There is no prosecution.

Aye, aye, sir.

If you insist,

you can make a statement and

have it entered on the record.

- No, no, that's not necessary.

- No, I insist.

I would like to say something.

I'm sorry.

I never should

have listened to Carl.

I should have done

the right thing. I just...

This whole thing

made you feel so happy.

And it made me

feel so important.

I should have told you the

truth. And I'm sorry I didn't.

I was just scared.

I also want to thank you.

I didn't like it sometimes,

but you made me grow up.

I know I was supposed to

help you have a baby.

But you ended up teaching me

how to be a mother.

So thank you.

And I'm sorry.

She'd be a great mom,

Your Honor.

Kid wouldn't

get away with sh*t.

Let's watch the language, please.

Freedom of speech, look

it up, it's in the thing...

What Ms. Ostrowiski is

trying to say, Your Honor,

is that what

she did was wrong.

It was extremely wrong.

Cool it, you're my lawyer.

And one of these lies, that's

so easy to spin out of control.

This guy, Carl Loomis, he lied to Angie.

And then Angie lied to Kate,

and Kate lied to me,

and it was a mistake.

I mean, it was a...

It's a mess, this is all a...

It's a mess. This is a real mess.

That's the worst closing

argument I've ever heard.

Yeah, I know.

I know. I'm a little rusty.

Kate. I just never wanted to come

back into a courtroom ever again.

And I came here for you.

Thank you.

I rest my case.

You Honor, I think we are more than

ready for you to read the results.

Let the record show that the DNA

test indicates that Ms. Holbrook

is not the mother

of this child.

Okay to get home?

Of course.

Yeah.

I remember the day I found

out I was going to have a kid.

Wow. I'll never take it

for granted again.

Well, I'd still like

to meet that kid some time.

I'll give you a call.

You come by the store.

Okay, I'll definitely come by.

Okay.

I'm sorry, Kate.

It's okay.

I just threw up.

You look nice in a suit,

by the way.

Angie.

Hey.

So, I guess

I'll see you later?

Probably not, actually.

Right.

I've been off Dr. Pepper for two weeks.

This is water.

Good for you.

Thanks.

Angie, I think

your water broke.

Wait, what?

Your water is breaking.

I got to get a bus to

take me to the hospital.

Let me drive you,

I'll drive you.

Okay, hold this.

- I'm not due for three weeks.

- I know.

Should we

clean that up?

No, somebody else

will get that.

This is really happening,

isn't it?

This is really happening.

It's so weird,

'cause I feel totally calm.

- Come on, it feels like I'm shitting a knife.

- Okay.

Why won't you

b*tches help me?

Just breathe.

Okay, I'll take it

from here.

I want to go with her.

Are you family?

She's my sister.

Well, okay.

Oh, God, holy...

This way.

Sorry, sorry.

- Give me some drugs. Give me this.

- You don't need drugs.

- I want those drugs.

- No.

You'll never

get me, pig!

Get out of my way!

Oh, God!

Angie!

Is that guy dead?

Is he dead?

We need some olive

oil to rub on my taint.

It's too late.

It's too late.

Okay, this is

gonna go great.

Yeah.

Kate.

It's twins.

Gross.

I don't know

what you're crying about.

I gotta walk out

of here alone.

That's a good joke,

Dr. Manheim.

Okay.

Okay, and give me

a big one.

Big one! Whoa!

Nothing. Okay.

All right, ready?

Kate, I'm so glad

you're here.

You don't look good,

by the way.

I feel a little dizzy.

- Okay.

- Okay, and give me a big one.

Big one. Whoa.

Good morning.

- Hi.

- How are you feeling?

Embarrassed. I fainted

in the delivery room.

Well, Oscar's bringing you

a change of clothes,

and Mom is here,

in case you die.

Great.

And somebody else

wants to say hi. Hey.

It's embarrassing.

I'm scared your friend, Angie,

has me on speed dial.

She called me, like, 10 times to

get down here and take care of you.

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