Baby On Board Page #2

Angela Marks,

are you still there?

Yes, I'm still here.

Mary would like

to see you in her office.

- I'll be right there.

- Jesus! That was fast.

Seriously, that was great.

I thought I'd never get out

of that pre-nup.

Honey, come here and meet Curtis.

I told you he'd do it.

This is my ex-wife's cousin.

Worth every penny.

Come on.

Let's go buy a sex swing.

Okay, Uncle Phil.

- You are amazing.

- Excuse me?

I'm sorry.

My name is Arlene Jenkins.

Everyone says the same thing

about you, "There's none better,"

but I had to see it for myself.

Oh, my. I grew faint just the way

you pounded away at that woman.

What can I do for you, Mrs. Jenkins?

There's a lot you can do to me.

Okay.

It's my husband.

He's a liar.

But I'm sad to say

I see a lot of that.

The son of a b*tch

told me he was dying,

and that's the only reason

I married him.

So, he is...?

Oh.

Have you ever had

a 97-year-old man on top of you?

It's like f***ing a beanbag chair.

I didn't need to hear that.

We just got his medical report.

Besides the fact that he's on an

oxygen tank, he's healthy as a hog.

He'll probably outlive me.

I'm not sure

what you want me to do.

This is my pre-nup.

I need a way out.

Sure you want to leave with...?

With as much as I can carry.

Ms. Jenkins, I shouldn't be looking

at this material.

- Mr. Marks.

- Curtis.

Curtis.

I need you.

Okay, I will take a look at this,

and my office will be in touch.

Thank you...

...Curtis.

You can sit...

...unless sitting makes

your problem worse.

I'm really sorry about that.

I think I'm okay now.

Is this your family?

- Wow, your daughter is so...

- No. It came with the frame.

with a woman who has a family.

You know how many men want

to hire a woman that has a family?

Which just proves conclusively

that men are stupid.

Now, speaking of stupid,

for the woman

who is about to start a family,

I should have thrown you

out of that conference room

for suggesting something

so Sesame Street,

but unfortunately I have a board

that I have to answer to,

and they have voted.

You're approved.

Now, listen to me.

Listen to me really good.

You screw this up,

it is your ass on the line.

Now, I expect a budget and marketing

analysis on my desk in one week.

Get out.

- Wow! What's that for?

- I missed you today.

Me too. Guess what?

Tell me, how did it go?

Mary said yes.

- She said yes?

- Yes! She said yes!

Fist-pound.

Angela, I don't believe this.

This is... This is amazing.

You are gonna have

your own perfume line.

I know. I mean,

this is put up or shut up time.

All those years

in college and business school

and then months

slaving away as an intern.

Can you believe this?

Vice-president of one

of the biggest cosmetic companies

in all of the world!

This is huge!

This is my everything!

Everything?

Well, present company excluded.

Mm.

Um, Angela,

since this "Baby on Board" thing

is such a big deal,

maybe you and I should start trying.

Trying?

Trying to make a baby.

You know, lose the condoms.

Ahh...

You okay?

Hmm.

Here we are.

- Why would we want to do that?

- For research.

We'll get you pregnant,

and then you'll know exactly...

Sorry.

Sorry about that.

Here you go.

You're certainly eating a lot.

Before you get mad,

I don't mean that in a fat-people way.

I just mean that you're consuming

more food than usual.

Well, it emptied me out,

and now I got to fill me back up.

Are you listening to me?

No one's listening to you,

you big lush.

Look. All I'm saying is

guys like the chase.

You take a guy, he gets married,

and it's like, it's like putting

a wolf in a cage, all right?

Every chick that walks by,

it's like a fresh, tasty rib-eye.

Danny, come on.

Maybe we should

get a breath of fresh air.

What? I'm just trying

to make a point.

And that would be what?

Tell them.

- Me?

- Yeah, you tell them.

Uh, well, we're all aware of the fact

that wealthy men pay for sex.

Oh, we are? Are we?

- I think it's disgusting.

- Good.

Are you having sex with prostitutes?

No.

Wait, Sylvie. Did I tell you

about my meeting today with Mary?

Danny, did I tell you

about the new client that we got?

Look, all I'm saying is

there are some guys out there

who get a little gash on the side,

and they have to pay for it.

It's the only way

they can get it, all right?

And I don't have that problem,

'cause I got the looks,

and I got the money.

I got it all, baby! High-five!

You know, women are looking

for a lot more in a relationship

than looks and money.

You're so drunk.

I'm not that drunk.

Um, you know what? Why don't we

actually just get out of here?

That makes you feel special?

Going out four nights a week,

getting drunk, paying for sex?

You be my guest.

But why don't we put the shoe

on the other foot, Danny?

Why don't you

raise the kids for a while

while I go out and find every possible

excuse to stay away from the house?

Then you can spend all day

with the carpools, and the play dates,

and the vomit, and the laundry,

and the groceries,

and shoveling the goddamn snow

in the f***ing driveway.

Why don't you do all those things,

and then you can pay whoever

the hell you want to f*** you!

Okay.

You think that I don't bust my ass

every goddamn day

for you and those kids, huh?

You want to talk about stress?

Maybe I should go visit

a Korean hand-job parlor

like the rest of the guys

in the office do.

F*** it.

Can't beat 'em, join 'em.

You know what?

Maybe I will join them.

Honey, nobody wants to f*** you.

Well, wait, Sylvie, um...

Sylvie! Sylvie!

That was awkward.

Oh, baby, baby! Oh, my God!

I'm almost there! Don't stop!

Yeah, I know. Me too.

It's knocking at the door.

- Please let me take the condom off.

- Oh, baby, no!

I can't get pregnant now.

Are you nuts?

Please...

Oh... Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

That, uh, makes it a moot point now.

- Was that good for you?

- Mm-hmm.

Sorry about that.

Baby?

Mm-hmm.

Do you still think that I'm beautiful?

Of course

I think that you're beautiful.

I just lasted three minutes

with two condoms on.

I wish you were a little more fat

or a little more ugly.

I might last a little longer.

Do you think that I've gained weight?

I don't care if you've gained weight.

So you think I'm fat?

I'm in hell.

Baby, I just, I saw Danny and Sylvie

tonight, and I got scared.

Angie, I married you for you.

And if that means

that at some point down the road

you get a little spare tire,

maybe some thunder thighs,

varicose veins, arm fat, triple chin,

I did say

"for better or for worse," right?

But how about we keep it

on the "better" side

for at least a little while?

Well, what if one day

I'm not good enough?

Honey, come on.

You'll always be good enough.

Good night.

I mean, better than good enough.

I mean, fantastic.

Good night, Curtis.

Wonderful...

Marvelous...

Oh, yeah!

Let me f*** your titties.

Oh, yeah. F*** you.

F***ing... Come on!

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