Bachelor Party

FADE IN:

EXT. ST. ANN'S SCHOOL - DAY

CAMERA PANS a group of freshly-scrubbed, innocent children,

obediently standing in line, like recruits for the Holy

Crusade. PULL BACK to REVEAL they are wearing the gray

blazers, striped ties and navy slacks of St. Luke's School.

They are waiting patiently at the curbside in front of the

statue of the school's sainted namesake. One of the fifth

grade BOYS pokes the KID next to him with his elbow. The

other Kid is about to retaliate when SISTER MARY FRANCIS, a

stern-faced nun, appears behind them, grabbing them both

firmly by the shoulders.

SISTER MARY FRACIS

Make one more move and you'll both

be staying late for the rest of the

week.

THE BOYS:

(softly; in unison)

Sorry, Sister Mary Francis.

SISTER MARY FRANCIS

I didn't hear you.

THE BOYS:

(louder)

Sorry, Sister Mary Francis.

Sister Mary Francis checks her watch. She scowls and looks

out past the parking lot gate.

Suddenly we HEAR the SOUND of an ENGINE roaring at full

throttle. There is a SCREECHING of BRAKES, followed by the

loud GRINDING of GEARS. It sounds like the Indy 500 is taking

place around the corner.

SISTER MARY FRANCIS

(used to this)

Step away from the curb, children.

ANOTHER ANGLE:

Zooming through the parking lot gates is a large yellow school

bus. It practically takes the last turn on just two wheels.

The bus driver quickly slams on the brakes, leaving ten feet

of rubber behind him as the bus comes to an ear-splitting

halt right in front of them. The front door immediately swings

open and RICK STAHL, the driver, hops out. Rick is the life

of the party, even when there isn't any party going on.

While chronologically older than the St. Luke students, the

only thing that sets him apart from them is that he has a

driver's license. Rick figures he'll live up to his

capabilities and get serious in his next life... This

incarnation's strictly for laughs. Sister Mary Francis steps

up to him.

SISTER MARY FRANCIS

You're late again, Rick.

RICK:

I know, Sister, but I have a very

good excuse.

SISTER MARY FRANCIS

There can be no excuse for tardiness.

RICK:

You're absolutely right. I should

never have stopped to save that

drowning infant. I'm just weak,

Sister; I'm so weak.

He starts sobbing softly into his hands.

SISTER MARY FRANCIS

All right, stop that... Children, on

the bus.

The kids obediently file past Rick, who makes like he is

drying his tears with his handkerchief.

RICK:

Sister, do you ever get lonely after

vespers? If you do, why don't you

give me a call. I'm in the book.

SISTER MARY FRANCIS

(smiling despite

herself)

Get going, Rick... you're late enough

as it is.

RICK:

Right... Think it over.

He hops on the bus, closes the door and gently backs the bus

out of the parking lot.

INT. BUS - DAY

As soon as the bus is out of sight of the school, all hell

breaks loose. The formally well-mannered children are acting

like normal kids... hitting each other over the heads with

books, running up and down the aisles, screaming at the top

of their lungs.

ANGLE - RICK

He removes the St. Christopher statue from the dashboard,

revealing a hulaing Hawaiian girl in a grass skirt. He watches

the madness behind him in his rearview mirror, picks up the

P.A. microphone and rationally attempts to restore order.

RICK:

(over mike)

If you don't all calm down I'm gonna

drive this thing over a cliff.

The kids pay no attention to him.

RICK:

(continuing;

philosophically)

Ah... youth.

EXT. THE BUS

Rick's bus pulls up to a light and another school bus filled

with kids (from a public school) pulls up alongside of it.

The other DRIVER gives Rick a competitive smirk and guns his

engine. Rick counters by gunning his.

INT. THE BUS

All the kids start screaming "Race... race." "Wipe 'em out."

"Go for it." Etc. Some of the kids even start taking out

money and start betting one another on the race's outcome.

ANGLE - RICK

as he readies for action.

EXT. THE BUSES

The light turns green and they're off. Or as off as two lunky

school buses filled with kids can be.

WIDE SHOT - ANOTHER STREET

The two buses come zooming down the street.

INT. RICK'S BUS

The kids are screaming at Rick to go faster. One of the little

boys looks nauseous as he clutches the seat in front of him.

EXT. THE STREET - LOW ANGLE

The buses squeeze down a narrow street, neck and neck with

one another.

INT. THE BUS

The kids are all yelling words of encouragement to Rick, who

is hunched over in his seat, driving with the determination

of Andy Granitelli. The nauseous kid is now turning a pale

shade of green. He moves to an open window, straining to

control the inevitable.

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