Bachelorette

Things have been going well.

I've been working

with these sick kids,

kids who've been

diagnosed with cancer.

And chemo when you're

twelve, like, sucks.

But...I mean, chemo

sucks in general,

but twelve sucks It's

when it happens.

When what happens?

Are you girls ready to order?

Oh, I'll get the Cobb

Salad, with the... oh,

no chicken, no bacon, no

cheese and no avocado.

Mm... I'll get the

burger and fries.

but maybe with her

bacon and her cheese,

and do not bring

me a dessert menu.

I already know I

want the cheesecake,

the brownie cheesecake.

I'm so glad you're not on

that stupid diet anymore.

It was making me

a miserable person.

So, I have some news.

What are you doing right now?

Just like your

typical Sunday morning.

It's Monday and it's

like noon in L.A.

Uh, how do you know that?

You don't even

f***in' live here.

Okay. Well... you don't

even know my day right now.

I was having lunch with Becky.

We went to that place,

F***er!

I haven't started the story yet.

No. Ugh.

I just realized that the

guy I slept with sucks.

Would you stop thinking

about yourself

and your weird little

life for five seconds?

I was having lunch with Becky...

I have some news.

My point is, imagine

chemo on top of twelve.

It really makes you

appreciate what we have.

Yeah, it does.

So, things have been

getting pretty serious

with Dale and I, and I

haven't really told anyone

Can I say something?

Stop. Stop, stop, stop.

I gotta conference in Katie.

Oh, for Chris sakes!

Tell her later.

No.

This story is so

f***ing long already,

I'm not gonna

remember any of it.

So just hold on.

Welcome to Club Monaco.

That's totally cute.

We don't have like anything

that cute in the store.

Okay.

Well um, hey, why don't

we try folding stuff?

Hello?

Katie!

Oh. I gotta take this.

It's work.

You're at work.

Hey, what's up?

I don't know. It's like...

some drama with Becky.

Tell me everything.

I haven't really told

anyone Can I say something?

And I'm only saying this because

you're my friend and

I really care about you.

Do I have something on my face?

Guys like Dale,

born wealthy guys,

they hate going public

And if he doesn't

want to be with you,

it's because he's an a**hole,

not because you're... .

..one-eighth Jewish.

I mean, she's our friend.

I love her.

She has a pretty face.

Do you remember in high school,

all the boys used

to call her Pig Face.

Everybody called her

Pig Face in high school.

I mean, behind her back.

We've been friends since we

were little girls, Becky.

I want you to be with someone

who shouts it from the rooftops.

I know.

That's why I can't really

keep it a secret anymore

Dale asked me to marry him.

Oh... - That's insane.

- That's insane.

Okay. Back me up here.

I like, was...

totally gonna be the

one to get married first.

Yeah. He's also like

super good-looking.

I Googled him like

a-a few months ago.

Like, it's alarming.

I wanna date a

guy who has a job.

You know, we're all gonna have

to be in this wedding now.

Silver lining.

We're gonna get to throw

a bachelorette party

We're gonna get to

dress up and be cool.

It's gonna be just like prom.

I don't need to parade

around a bunch of people

that I used to know.

Clyde's gonna be there.

I'll probably go.

I've gotta go to work.

Yeah, sh*t.

I'm fired by now.

I've gotta go read some

books to these cancer kids.

Love you Beeeeees!

#ah-ah-ah-ah#

#deaf chords, dead ends#

#sling set can't

meet their demands#

#devil horns, best friends#

#infinity guitars, go head#

#ah-ah-ah-ah#

#street wars, straight men#

#cowboys, indians#

#red souls, red friends#

#infinity guitars, your heart#

#ah-ah-ah-ah#

#ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah#

#ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah#

#ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah#

#ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah#

Are you so excited

for your big night?

I'm so excited.

I've been waiting for this for like...

...six months.

No...longer.

I've been waiting for

this my whole life.

I've just been wanting

something to happen,

and now it is, and

all the Bee-Faces

are gonna be back

together again!

And I had a spray tan!

Ooh!

So excited! Hey!

Hey.

Um, do you think I

can get away with this,

or do I look like I'm

just one of the help?

No, you look really cute.

Did you just make a face?

Uh, no. No, she-she's retarded.

Uh, I mean sh-she

uh, Asper- Asperger's.

She has Asperger's.

She can't control her face.

LooVery f***ing professional.

Okay. Now, I gotta

get on the train.

You got the deets for the

Bachelorette party?

Affirmative.

Deets, check.

Oh... Just in case.

Mm, you think of everything.

I do.

Wish me luck!

Good luck!

The dress is really nice!

F*** you!

Now don't wear boots.

F***ing cogs!

Just get it together fast, okay.

Don't you dare miss this flight.

God, stop yelling at me, okay?

I'm not the one

getting f***ing married.

What are you even

doing right now?

You're such a competent and

calming maid of honor, Regan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy on the sugar.

She still has to fit

in her dress tomorrow.

Oh, Chinatown,

I need a limo to JFK.

Do you understand that?

And I need um, champagne

sent up to my suite.

Wait,

No.

Plans have changed, okay?

The bride wants a

bachelorette party now.

Oh, okay...Well, why

am I the last to know?

I can't believe you

get paid for this,

and I'm just a good friend.

about blowj*bs,

if you want to hear it.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Yeah?

It's very interesting.

All right.

I-I personally think

that blowj*bs are

an extremely delicate thing.

You know, like if you're..

if you're ranking them

on a scale of 1 to 10,

and 10 being I'm, you know,

choking on just semen,

vomit just everywhere.

I think you gotta start

off with 4s and with 5s.

Like just enough so the...

so that you know that

I know exactly what I'm doing,

but with zero enthusiasm.

I'm giving you nothing,

because then you're

gonna be like

all right, fine. I'll

just f*** her, you know?

'Cause if I start off with

a 10, I got nowhere to go.

I mean, why are you gonna

spend any time f***ing me?

You just came all over my face.

So you start off small, right?

But you build.

I'll give you a 6

after a fight, when

we're making up.

And then an 8

when you spend a

shitload of money on me,

or get me something

that's like a sweet...

gift or whatever,

I'll do full 8.

But then, I circle it back.

Back to the 3s, the 4s, and

the 5s, because that sh*t,

every time, without fail,

makes the guy's

dick alarm go off.

You know what I mean

when I say dick alarm.

Right?

And you're gonna be like,

"Hey, baby.

What's wrong with you?

You're acting funny.

Why so sad?"

When really what you're

telling me is, "God dammit,

just like suck my dick harder."

So... um... let's just

say um, like, what...

what would merit a 10?

What's an example?

I don't know,

you're like on a...

on an airplane, you're going

to a wedding of this girl

that you went to

high school with.

Uh, two more?

Sure.

And your ex-boyfriend uh...

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