Back to School

Thorny.

You call this a report card?

What kind of marks is these?

How you gonna go to college

with marks like these?

I don't want to go to college.

I want to work

in the shop with you.

You want to work

in the shop with me, huh?

Listen to me.

I said it once,

and I'll say it again...

I don't care how rich

or successful a man is...

if he don't got an education,

he's got nothing.

- I tried, Pop. I can't do it.

- Then try harder!

You can do anything in life

you want to do.

Remember... you're a Meloni.

Hi there.

Are you a large person?

Pleasantly plump? A little

on the hefty side, perhaps?

Well, let's face it.

Are you fat?

When you go jogging,

do you leave potholes?

When you make love,

do you have to give directions?

At the zoo, do elephants

throw you peanuts?

Do you look at a menu

and say, "OK"?

Well, now you can

eat all you want...

because at Thornton Melon's

Tall and Fat stores...

we've got you covered.

That's right... fine woolen

and woolen blend suits...

and sport coats

in all the larger sizes...

husky, stout, extra-stout

and the new Hindenburg line.

And for you ladies,

we have caftans, muumuus...

and our own exclusive A-frame

in all colors and patterns.

Yes, we have

miles and miles of fabric.

So take it from me,

Thornton Melon...

if you want to look thin,

you hang out with fat people.

Thornton Melon's Tall and Fat...

Lou, did you see the new spot?

Yeah, I seen it.

Do I look fat in it?

You could lose

a couple of pounds.

I gotta get bigger actors.

Pocahontas, how are you?

Ophelia, hold some of my calls.

Yes, sir, Mr. Melon.

Good morning, everyone.

Morning.

Take it easy, will ya?

And don't get any on the walls.

OK, folks. What's up?

Mr. Melon,

we have a serious offer...

on your commercial property

in south Florida...

and we feel you should sell.

No. Hold it for one more year,

take the depreciation...

then transfer title

to the California Corporation.

Show it as a capital gain.

We should do great.

What else?

The toy division has come up

with a new doll idea...

to go along with our

children's clothing line.

We call them Melon Patch Kids.

Now, the competition

exploits the notion...

that their dolls are orphans.

The Melon Patch Kids

are not orphans.

They're abandoned.

We think it's a winner.

OK, go with it.

But keep the unit cost

under five bucks.

Last year, we took a bath

on those Chubby Tubby Tub toys.

- Jason's on the phone.

- Jason.

OK, everybody, take a break.

Excuse me, Mr. Melon,

but we have a very long agenda.

- Later. My son's on the phone.

- But, Mr. Melon!

Beat it, punk.

Jason, how are you?

How you doin'?

How's the diving going?

Oh, it's great.

We just finished up practice.

Oh, keep it up, keep it up!

And the fraternity...

I'll bet you're having fun

in the fraternity, huh?

What do you think?

Yeah, it's great.

Oh, that's great.

You're not doing too much,

are you? You studying?

Well, right now,

we're between semesters...

so classes don't start up

again for another week.

No classes? Then come home.

Tonight, your mother and I

are having a big party.

It's our fifth anniversary.

Whoa, Dad. She's not my mother,

she's your wife...

and I don't get the feeling

she wants me around.

OK, let's not start that again.

I'll tell you what.

I'll come up there to see you.

No. Bad. Bad idea.

I got this big dive meet

coming up.

I gotta practice. I wouldn't

have any time to see you.

- It's a rotten time.

- OK. I understand.

Look, Dad, I promise...

I'll come down for a visit

next break I get, OK?

All right?

Look, I gotta go, OK?

OK, Jason.

Take care of yourself.

I love you.

Yeah, I love you, too.

All right. Bye-bye.

Melon, I told you

to clean my locker.

If it's too much for you...

we'll get ourselves

a new towel boy.

Right. Look, I'm sorry, Chas.

I'll get on it as soon as I can.

Home sweet home.

- I liked the old house better.

- So did I.

I liked the old wife

better, too.

Lay off Vanessa.

She gives great headache.

Lou, I can't believe it.

Married five years.

Seems like yesterday.

And you know what a lousy day

yesterday was.

Please don't throw your clothes

on the Breuer chair.

How come all our furniture

has names?

I have absolutely

nothing to wear.

You got six closets

full of nothing to wear.

Are you saying

I spend too much money?

You, spend too much money? No.

Lots of people go to Switzerland

to get their watch fixed.

You have no taste, Thornton.

You're right.

I married you, didn't I?

I don't have time to argue.

Our friends will be here

any minute.

You mean your friends.

They are my friends,

and I'd like to keep them.

So please,

just behave yourself tonight.

Don't worry. If the roast beef

is right, they'll be back.

Jennifer, you look divine.

And, Peter, I thought

you were still in Portofino.

Why haven't you called?

- She's a lovely gal.

- Oh, yes, she is.

Oh, Ramon,

you look fantastic.

I thought you were still

in Tijuana.

- Excuse me, seor?

- Nothing. It's all right.

- Gimme a beer.

- I'm sorry, seor.

All we have is martinis

and champagne.

My own house,

I can't get a beer.

Mrs. Melon gave us

strict orders... no cerveza.

It's all right.

I'll get it myself.

Hey! Adam and evil.

Mr. Melon.

We was just...

Iooking for some

cocktail napkins.

Where? Under her dress?

You're impossible.

And you're easy.

I love Klimt, don't you?

Mr. Melon, your wife

was just showing us her Klimt.

You too, huh? She's showin' it

to everybody.

- She's very proud of it.

- I'm proud of mine, too.

I don't wave it around

at parties.

- It's an exceptional painting.

- Oh, the painting.

Yeah. Drink up,

enjoy yourself, huh?

I hate small food, you know?

Hey, buddy,

come here, will you?

Put your hand

right over there, will you?

I learned this in Europe.

Look out, coming through.

Hot stuff. Look out.

I'd like you to meet

Mr. And Mrs. Stuyvesant.

Right, right.

- How do you do?

- Thornton!

How you doin'?

Hi there, sir. How are you?

Never mind. I got my own here.

It's all right.

Millicent, you look charming.

I love your dress.

Don't you, Thornton?

It's such a lovely shade

of green.

Yeah. If that dress had pockets,

you'd look like a pool table.

You should try

my Tall and Fat stores.

No offense.

May I speak to you

privately, please?

Watch my sandwich, will you?

I can't take any more of this!

You've insulted our friends,

you've insulted me...

and you've gone out of your way

to ruin this party.

Party? Are you kiddin'?

It's a dog show out there.

Your friends, they come here

for free food, free booze...

and to suck up to you

for donations.

You have no class, Thornton,

and I am tired of it.

I want a divorce.

Divorce. I knew

we had something in common.

Here, sign these.

I'm afraid it's not gonna be

that easy, honey.

This is gonna cost you...

plenty!

Oh, yeah?

Let's talk about class

a minute, all right?

Here's you and Giorgio

in the guest room.

Classy, isn't it?

Rate this script:4.0 / 2 votes