Back to School Page #2

Here's you and Giorgio

in the rumpus room.

Another classy one, huh?

This one I can't figure out.

There's you, there's Giorgio...

what's with the midget

over here?

Hey, wait! I got more!

What happened in there?

What happened?

I got rid of Vanessa.

I feel like I just got paroled.

I'll tell you what bothers me...

I let her come

between me and Jason.

Lou, pack our bags.

We're going up to that college

to see my son!

Boy, will Jason be surprised.

Look, there's Greek letters.

That must be the house.

Is that an "amigo"

or a unicorn?

Beats me.

Don't you know any Greek?

The only Greek I know owns

a coffee shop on State Street.

Jimmy Pitsos, remember him?

He had an ugly wife...

four ugly kids,

and good coffee.

Wait here, I'll try this one.

Hello, hello!

Anybody here?

Jason, where are you?

Hey, I need some help here!

Buddy, I'm talking to you.

I need some help here!

Take it easy, honey!

I didn't see a thing.

You're perfect.

You jerk!

Perfectly understandable,

Mr. Melon.

It was an honest mistake.

Let's just call it a bad day.

Yeah, but a great view.

You're all right, officer.

Here, a little something

for the kids.

- Take that, it's OK.

- I don't have any kids.

No kids? Well, here,

get yourself some kids.

Take it all, all right?

And just remember...

the best thing about kids

is making 'em.

Even if I do manage

to graduate... ha ha...

what do I do then?

There's the private sector...

but look how bad

the job market is.

There's Valerie Desmond.

See you guys.

Look how tight

her ass is today.

Oh, man. You think

there's any way...

she would ever go out with me?

- No.

- Oh, thanks.

It's this whole stupid

capitalist system, you know?

It's set up to heap rewards...

on the advantaged

and the aggressive...

and to make sure

that two regular schmoes...

like you and me never get a date

with girls like Valerie Desmond.

I hate the whole bourgeois

mentality of this school.

Let me ask you

something else, man.

Do you make this bullshit up

as you go along...

- or do you actually read this?

- I read this. It's Karl Marx.

Famous book.

"Proletarian Chicks in Bondage."

It's a Condom House book.

Comes with a leather hood.

Is that the one

with the pictures?

- Can I borrow that?

- Let's move on.

Well, no, it's, you know...

Oh, yeah. Well, you know.

Dad, what are you doin' here?

I'm robbin' your room,

that's what I'm doin' here.

We drive 300 miles

to see the kid...

that's the greeting we get.

Come here, will ya?

How ya doin' there?

I'm sorry.

I'm really glad to see you...

but I wish

I knew you were coming.

I'll bet you did, huh?

I looked for you

at that fraternity house.

- They said you weren't a member.

- I can explain that.

They also told me

you're not on the diving team.

They said you were

the towel boy.

- I can explain that, too.

- OK, explain it.

- I lied.

- Great. That explains it, huh?

Jason, you don't lie to me.

You lie to girls.

Who's this?

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is my roommate.

That's Derek Lutz.

This is the dad,

and that's Lou.

- Is that your real hair?

- What do you think?

I think you're trying

to get back at your parents.

Show me the campus.

I want to talk to you.

Oh, good.

Boy, what a great-lookin' place.

When I used to dream

about going to college...

this is the way

I always pictured it.

Wait a minute. When did you

dream about going to college?

When I used to fall asleep

in high school.

Dad, I know how much

all this means to you...

- and I'm sorry I lied to you.

- You don't have to lie to me.

No matter what you do,

I'll love you just the same.

Will you love me

no matter what?

No matter what.

- I'm droppin' out.

- You're droppin' out?

You just got here.

You just started.

I know,

but I'm not making it here.

I don't fit in, you know?

I got one friend... Derek.

He's got no friends.

The girls don't like me,

the fraternities don't want me.

The diving coach

won't even talk to me.

Look at it this way...

at least you're getting

an education.

Dad, last semester

I got nothing but "Cs."

A, B, C...

you're in the top three.

What are you worrying about?

I just think I'd be

a lot better off...

gettin' a job or something.

You never went to college.

Look how great you're doin'.

Jason, I said it before

and I'll say it again.

I don't care how rich

and successful a man is.

Without an education,

he's nothing.

I mean, stay in school.

Study harder.

You can be whatever

you want to be.

You want to be a loser,

be a loser.

You want to be a winner,

be a winner.

Jason, it's up to you.

You can do it.

Remember, you're a Melon!

Dad, that's easy for you to say.

You don't have to do any of it.

OK, then.

I'll do it with you.

What do you mean,

you'll do it with me?

I mean just what I said.

I'm going to college.

What do you think?

What do I think?

I think you're nuts.

Nuts, huh? Who made the rules?

Come here. I'm going to college!

I'm going to college!

Let me get this straight,

Mr. Melon.

You wish to enter

this widely esteemed...

Grand Lakes University of ours

as a freshman?

That's right, Dean Martin.

- Are you comfortable?

- I'm fine, yeah.

Oh, the chair. I'm sorry.

This is an awkward moment

for me, Mr. Melon...

since I realize you're

a highly respected member...

of our business community.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Our student body here

is handpicked by me...

from the crme de la crme...

of students all across

this great land of ours.

That's one of the things

I like about this place.

Yes. The point is, though...

since you have

no high school diploma...

and no transcripts of any kind,

no S.A.T. Scores...

and you're 30 to 40 years older

than our average freshman...

how can this university

ever see its way clear...

to accept you as a student?

As Calvin Coolidge once said...

"The business of America

is business"...

and the business of

an educational institution...

such as ours

is to create young minds...

that understand that

the business of America...

is the kind of business

that it actually is.

So, whatever it is that

I have said here today...

the point is

that we are here to honor...

our most generous benefactor...

and newest freshman...

the man who's

made it possible...

for us to break ground

here today...

Mr. Thornton Melon.

Dean Martin, great speech.

There's nothing like good,

clean business, huh?

And a little monkey business.

Oh, Philip. I'm so glad

you could make it.

Mr. Melon, I'd like for you

to meet Dr. Philip Barbay...

who's the dean

of our school of business.

David, I just want

to get it on record...

that I am totally against this.

I don't think

that selling admission...

to an obviously

unqualified student...

is very ethical or honorable.

Right, Phil,

but I'd just like to say...

in all fairness

to Mr. Melon here...

it was a really big check.

It's a simple matter

of this man's presence...

undermining the efforts

of our legitimate students...

Rate this script:4.0 / 2 votes